Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Shut up and let me go.
Not really...lol. The song's just stuck in my head. I don't know what I want to say. I guess I just needed a place to sort my thoughts, and usually this is where I go. I haven't written as much in here than I usually do just because I guess I just don't bother when I can't put the thoughts to word.
I don't know what it is. Something just feels...empty. Not for any specific reason. I'm trying really hard not to let this affect the relationship I've forged with Myles, but it's really hard when I can't tell him what's exactly going through my mind. I guess you could say the reason for that is a healthy mixture of two things: the fact that I forget when I'm with him, the fact that I don't know if he'd like what I'd have to say. I've put so much effort into letting go when I'm with him, forgetting, that sometimes I ignore what emotions I still have. But what are they?
We talked last night and I know I made him feel awful. I never wanted to hurt him with anything I had said, but I know some things just happen. I can't explain how he makes me feel, how comforted and safe I feel with him. Even when I'm not with him, just the thought of him brings a sense of security I've never known before. And even at night, when he falls asleep and I don't feel like I could settle enough to fall asleep myself, just his breathing steadies me. I don't know what it all means. He comforts me more than anyone I know. But I know he can't always be there.
I just need to get away from all this. Maybe forgetting could be the cure. I need to find a way to be happy and maybe it'll rub off on everything else. I just don't know what to do. I guess I'm not as sure as I once was. Go figure, right?
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Sunday, June 29, 2008
In the deep of the night...
Sometimes when I have a lot of time to think, I wonder what it would be like if I were still with Carlos. Not because I miss it, but just because it would be interesting to know, I guess. I wouldn't be happy, that I know. I was thinking today, listening to a Mariah Carey song (go figure), I realized how easy it is to just say you love someone. You know that saying that goes something like "If you love someone, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."? Sometimes I wonder if it's true. I mean, not that you have to let someone go to find out if you have their heart fully. But it's funny how things work out. He let me go so many times. And each and every time he set me free, I came back. A day, a week, a couple months, I still came back. So in reference to the quote, he had me. But I wonder if that would have happened for me. I guess thinking about it, probably not. I look at how I imagine him to be now with Marissa. I'm really happy for them. It sounds condescending coming from me, but I mean it. I mean look at how it worked out. Best of friends that fall in love? Lucky. We should all be so fortunate...too bad we aren't. The thought actually struck me the other day, but in a few short months, they'll both be legally able to start a life together. I mean, I don't really think either of them are so irrational as to plunge themselves into financial strain and most likely emotional turmoil, but just the fact that they know so full-heartedly, or at least he does (I don't know how she feels seeing as I'm not friends with her, this is all just my assumption), that the love they feel for one another is strong enough to ward off the stress of everyday living, and the fact that they can take that bond to be a legal committment... It's just a funny thought.
And that made me think of Myles. He's 20. My mom already had me by then. Married mother of one, working to pay the rent and to put food on the table. It's so weird. For so long, he'd had zero responsibility, living off his mom and dad, picking up gigs here and there, playing music for a living. There's nothing wrong with that. But I wonder when the right age is for everyone to just grow up? He's got a steady job now, a "9-to-5" job. He's picking up responsibility. And this sounds condescending as well, but in a weird way, I'm proud of him. Sometimes, and even though it may be a bit inaccurate, I feel like maybe I'm part of the reason he picked things up. That makes me wonder about me. Am I ready for that? For someone with a 9-5 job and benefits for a family? Should I be preparing my life with someone, regardless of how much I love him, who's pretty much already mapped out what he plans on doing? Yes, true, I love plans and schedules and knowing what I'm doing in a weekly, day-to-day, hourly way. But no, I don't want to admit my life is set in stone. Don't you ever feel like you just met someone at the wrong time? God, I love him, but I don't want my life to be one big plan. Married by 25, kids by 32, healthy career, retired by 65, all while living the all-american life. Maybe I don't want that. Maybe I want something different. But I don't even know what there is out there besides everything I've been exposed to. What else is there but the all-american lifestyle...and loneliness?
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Saturday, June 21, 2008
I forgot.
I sit here and I realize how long its been since I genuinely had an interest in a boy still attending high school. It sounds so condescending seeing as Myles and I have only been dating, what, two months? But I mean an honest to god interest where I could see myself being in a relationship with and really liking...which was over a year ago now. Its funny how I completely forgot how fickle high school students are in relationships. I'm still like that with Myles sometimes, but I don't think as much as when we first started dating. I'd like to say I've become a more decisive person since then. I mean I rarely second-guess myself these days. I guess maybe that's what I always hated about being in relationships with people like Carlos and Anthony and all my other exs. I hated never really knowing what they felt about me. It was always so hot and cold.
The text was so out of the blue. I hadn't even thought of him in...god, a week? Hadn't even crossed my mind, and then I get a text from him he didn't even mean to send to me. By accident. Like serendipity. Except I'm thinking it probably wasn't so much accident as it was "Whoops, wrong person...oh what if I "accidentally" his send...hmmmmm..."
I understand both sides of this. I remember a couple years ago, Lennon told me that was one thing he'd learned about me: I was always good at seeing both sides to an argument and understanding both points of view. I understand where he's coming from. He needs to keep away because if he doesn't, he'll get attached. That in itself is understandable. I guess maybe it's not that I'm not worried I personally won't get attached, it's that I need a friend so badly that I don't really care how he feels about me romantically. It's so self-centered, I know, but the way I look at it--or rather, the way I'm going to try and spin this--it's just me caring more to be a friend and overlook the romantic thoughts for strictly platonic feelings. Maybe I'm not explaining it right... I don't know, I guess it's hard to get your point across unless you know exactly what you're saying lol
I think the best way I can describe it is like how I felt for Lennon for basically the whole time we knew each other through middle school. I'd tell him every now and then I loved him, I guess maybe to quell him for the time being, but I didn't love him the way he loved me. Maybe I did for a little while, but I cared so much about him that it was almost like he was a brother to me, when it got to the point where I'd talk to him every day and got to know him and his quirks. No one was ever good enough for him besides me because, I assume, like an older sister, or parent, or family member, no one IS ever good enough for someone they love. And to this day, despite how far we've gotten from each other, no matter what's happened between us, who says what to whom, I still care deeply for him. I care about who he sees, whether she's good enough for him or not; I care about what danger he puts himself in; I care about his success with his band and his personal aspirations. In essence, I still love him like he were family.
And I think that's the type of vibe I get off Alex...like whatever relationship that could be found between the two of us was capable of forging a sort of love, but not the romantic type that had a flame that could be lit and kept burning hot like most good romances should have. That's what I have with Myles. No matter what happens, what issues we have with each other, through good communication on both ends, we shelter that flame from any detrimental "accidents". I just think Alex is someone I care about and have had a deep undertaking toward since we'd first started our whole communication "scandal" if that's what you want to call it. But I guess it's something I'll never really get to know. Not only goes Alex want more, but Myles would kill me if he knew what was going on. If I post this, that means I'll have to talk to him about this. Oh well, all the better to improve our relationship upon, I suppose. I just hope Alex can understand where I'm coming from. I only have the best of intentions. I want to be there for him, and I'd like him to be there for me as well. What is life without a helping hand, a platonic helping hand?
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Friday, June 13, 2008
Pissed.
You're a dumbass hoe. You really are. I usually try not to let shitheads like you piss me off to the point where I have to write it out on a whole blog, but whatever.
You don't know who I am. It's one thing to have an opinion and keep it to yourself. It's a totally different thing when you go off and tell the person what you think. You're in the right to have your opinions of me. Lord knows, whoever you are, I probably have my opinions of you, but never have I once sought you out specifically and told you what I thought. The worst part about it is that you're too much of a fucking pussy to show your identity. You must be some soft-ass mother fucker if you're not even going to reveal to ME who the fuck you are. For real. Look at me. What the fuck am I going to do to you?
You speak some heavy words for someone who's too afraid to show themselves, you condescending prick. If there's one thing in the world I hate most, it's condescending pricks. You think you're so fucking perfect? You think you'd handle my situation better than I am? Yeah, you know what? Fuck you. You probably don't even know who the fuck I am to begin with, so what makes you think you have the right to judge me and tell me that you think I need "help"?
And let's get this straight, I'm not obsessed with Carlos. He and I are long over. I use my experiences to better my future and, yeah I may talk about it in reference to how I used to feel or how it applies to my current relationship, but that does not make me obsessed with him.
As far as Myles goes, it's Myles, not Miles you ignorant asshole. If you have the nerve to read my fucking blog, you should at least have the intelligence it takes to remember how to spell a mother fucking name. Anyway, when I write about him, I write about how he's effected my life. I don't have to write to convince myself of the happiness I feel with him. I'm afraid you've got it backwards...that's how it was with Carlos.
Either way, it's none of your business. And don't pull that, "Well then don't put your business on the internet for everyone to see," card. Because you know what I'll say to that? I didn't give you the URL. You found it on your own time, sweetheart. You were the curious one that opened the window, hit the click or typed in the URL, and hit send. You were the one that, when the page loaded, scanned the entries for whatever interesting information you could find, formulated the opinions, and used my own precious thoughts and memories against me. So you know what? Fuck you, sir. Fuck you. You're not even worth the short amount of time it took me to write this blog. Now go burn in hell so you don't pollute the rest of the world with your condescending attitude.
15:24 Posted in Journal Entry | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Thank you.
I think half the work in making a relationship function properly is understanding who you are and accepting the things you cannot change about yourself. Like the fact that I'm pretty insecure, for instance. It's always been that way--something that can't be helped, but rather accepted as part of me. I don't think it's something a lot of people know as a character trait I'm well familiar with, but it's something that I think for all of my short life thus far, I've kept pretty close to my heart. Recently, I started recognizing it a lot more. Like tonight. After a long blog yesterday (mentioned in the previous blog) about how I truly felt about Carlos, I received numerous messages/comments in response to it from him. At first I wasn't really expecting him to have the balls to seriously say anything to me about it. I didn't think that after all the shit I spewed about him and how upset and hurt I still was, how I didn't care, he would write me about how he was "proud" that I'd finally scrounged up the nerve to tell the truth. It makes me wonder how much he knew about me that I didn't know. In any case, the real hard-hitter for me though was a text me sent me. He thanked me for coming back to him all those times and loving him the way he'd loved me. There was more than just those things, but those are the two details of the text that stick out the most, insecurity growing the more and more I analyze the meaning of the statement.
I guess the issue is that I wonder if he truly meant this, or whether it was some sarcastic ploy to, yet again, reiterate how unnecessary I always was to him. But I think what I'm mostly insecure about is what if he really did mean it? What if he meant thank you? I guess, essentially, the question should be what does it matter...and frankly, I don't really know what it would matter in the long run, but for some reason, it's just something that sticks with me. It's like finally, he's truly appreciating everything that I did do, the hardships I went through for him, how far I went because I truly cared... No one ever appreciates it till they don't have to anymore--when it doesn't matter, doesn't count.
I'm trying hard to learn from this and apply it to what I have now. But its not so easy. We fall into patterns of habitual fighting over the same topics--the same argument, it feels like, for days. I appreciate him and the things he does for me, as well as he. But why argue about it? Why must I insist on arguing a point I know he'll take no consideration for? While I am easily influenced, a change-of-heart kind of girl, he's dead-set in his ways, and me, the change-of-heart girl will always want to make the dead-set boy budge, to see him waver. Not because it brings me satisfaction in knowing I've changed him into someone he isn't, but because I've opened his eyes to greater possibilities--I've broadened his horizons. But I think it's time that change-of-heart girl let someone else broaden her horizons for once. I don't think it would be so bad to let someone else lead for a while. Maybe it'll do me some good...
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