Applause for the Wallflower

The truth will always be that I love him. The truth will always be that no matter who I'm with, he'll always have a piece of me... So much has changed. So much... He's changed, I've changed, circumstances...everything. And now look at us. We fought last night over essentially...a text. It wasn't the text itself, it was the idea the message conveyed. It was what I was doing...or wasn't. I don't know. But this fight...we've had it more than once. And the truth is I still don't know what to make of it. Sometimes I feel like I'll say or do anything to have the person I love be happy again...and last night was a clear example. I know he wants me to stop talking to him. He's said it more than once. And every time I get a text now, I know he wonders if its him. Every time I look away...or have my eyes wander to the top of the stadium...or look a little distant...I know he wonders if it's him I'm looking for or at, if its him I'm thinking about. The truth is, he's absolutely right. It is him I'm looking for... It's him I'm thinking about. Was I justified in doing all this? Was it right? Did I really give us a good enough shot?

But god, I love Carlos. When I'm not with him, I'm wishing I could spend the rest of eternity with him. When I am with him, I feel like nothing could even touch me...I feel so safe and protected...and loved. Lee...he's my lightning bolt in the thunderstorm. Bright and illuminating; beautiful and erratic; jagged and untouched; destructive. Was there a future with this boy? Could there have been something I didn't see before? Was there even a chance that I'd feel half of the things I do with and for Carlos for Lee? To be totally honest, I don't know. And I don't know what good an answer to those questions would do.

I just have to remember...this is all transition. Things will work out...and once marching band is over, we'll never be forced to sit in the same room as each other until the next year. And by then, things will have smoothed over. But is that what I want? ...to not have an excuse to look for him? ...to not be able to just turn around and see him playing...or watching me, too? Do I want to move on from this disaster? Or do I want to feel safe for the rest of my life?

Well the answer is obvious, isn't it? Every girl looks for security; stability in a flurry of gusting winds. I just never thought I'd ever say that Carlos was the one to give that to me...

Oh, how things change...and maybe a little too late...

An awful mess yesterday. Terrible. I don't know how else to explain it. I was with Carlos again yesterday and I guess we were alright in the beginning. Later that evening, we went to a surprise party for a couple kids in the band and Carlos saw me texting Lee. It was bad. I don't know. He wasn't upset that I was texting him, just that I didn't tell him what I was saying and that I was. What happened was I was reading a text Lee had sent me and Carlos walked up and as a reflex, I shut my phone really quick. I know I'm stupid and I know I shouldn't be doing things like this when I know they upset him, but the truth is I like talking to Lee. I don't really know how to explain it. I love Carlos but sometimes I want to be in the presence of someone other than a single person. Sometimes I just want to blame him for all this...I want to tell him that this is all his fault, the reason I act this way, that if he hadn't have fucked up this summer, we wouldn't be standing here. But the fact of the matter is that we are here and we can't turn back time to fix things. We can only fix what see as a problem in the future and what is laying infront of us right now. As an attempt to fix this, Carlos said he would bite his tongue every time he saw me doing something he didn't like, basically. He said that I could do whatever I needed to be happy and as long as I was happy, he would be too. But how can I be happy knowing that he's only feeding off my happiness? The fact of the matter is that no matter how much he wants this plan to work, the whole bit is a sham. I can't be happy knowing he isn't building it for himself and that I'm the reason he can't truly find his own happiness. I can't live and love him knowing that I'm hurting him by doing a bunch of stupid things that could be prevented. So what should I do? I know what I should do, but what can I do? God this is terrible. I'm thinking..."If I can't do the one thing I know will make him happy, do I really love him the way I say I do?" I don't know anymore. I do love him and I wouldn't be able to live life without him...but is the truth really just that I've gotten comfortable with him and would rather be with him than find someone else?

I don't know what the truth is anymore. I love Carlos with everything I have..."every fiber of my existence." And I'd give anything to live happily ever after with him... But is that enough to keep us together through this?

...ok, so it isn't. Been a long day. I'm so tired and it's only 9:11 right now... 9:11...it's funny how after him, I find myself looking at the clock at exactly that time. Anyway, so I spent the day with Carlos. Fun day. Just hung out, fell asleep...fought and yelled...just like always. Man, if this isn't love, I don't know what is... (Sarcastic, much?) Lol... But seriously, I don't know what to make of all this. I love Carlos so much...I care about him more than I could possibly say. But so many things have changed. Today while we were lying there together watching some TV, he said he loved me and I realized how before the summer, before all this, he was never the one to tell me he loved me... It was always me, and now, it's backwards. If there were a ratio for how many times Carlos has initiated the whole "I love you/I love you, too," thing to me, his number would be a lot bigger than mine. To tell you the truth, I hated sitting there realizing how much he didn't care about me back then...how all he really needed me for was sex. I hated realizing how I had to fall for some other guy for him to realize how much I meant to him, how much of an asset I was to his life. And then this morning when I had first got there, he took my cell phone from me and started reading all my text messages. I haven't had the courage yet to delete all the locked messages I have on my phone from Lee, so I started freaking out, not wanting him to read them. Eventually, he read them and one thing led to another and we got into this argument over the fact that I apparently don't tell him the truth. It all came abut because he asked me if I had a crush on Lee...I don't know, but isn't that just kind of assumed if you date someone? I know what he meant though. Oh well...

But I don't know...we have so many plans. It's a little scary to think of it all. I mean we've talked about living together and getting married...kids and their names... I don't know. I'm excited for the future, but I really don't want to get my hopes up. I'm a sophomore in high school for christ's sake. Sometimes I have to sit there and remind myself of this. I always get this feeling like I'm older than my age and I hate it, especially with Carlos being a senior this year. I am a sophomore. I'm only turning 16. I can't help but to feel like this will be that one major love of my life that when I'm older and settled and married, I'll think "Man I was such a stupid kid..." or "Young love..." I don't know. We could end up like Allie and Noah...wouldn't that be a story? I don't know. I just feel like my trust has been out-used though. He talks about how he feels like he can't trust me because I keep secrets from him, but I haven't been able to trust him since July. He says he won't hurt me again, but he said that the last time. I want to trust him so badly, but my heart's just been through so much with him. He's put me though so much unnecessary shit and I really don't know if I can take anymore. I don't know. Everything's been really great lately. I have to admit, I've been pushing his buttons on purpose just to test my limits and how far I was allowed to go, and every time I push him farther, he gets pissed for a fraction of a milli-second and then rebounds and says he's sorry for getting mad. It's so different. Everything is. Before, at the first level, he would have cracked and broken up with me in a second. I don't know what to make of it. I can tell he's making an effort to change, but what if it isn't enough for me? What is enough for me? What will he have to do to please me? What length does he have to walk? I don't know. God, I love him for everything he's done for me now, but I hate that he didn't care as much as I did before. God I hate it. I hate it so much. And I know which to listen to, but right now, hate is such a powerful feeling. It's dark and daunting...and it's almost consuming me whole.

I can't believe I haven't updated since Friday before I went to school. Well, I won't go into painful detail about exactly what happened on Friday, but basically Carlos took me home from the game and we talked... When I got home, I broke up with Lee. I hate saying that. I don't know.

I'm happy with Carlos. He's really different and almost everything about our relationship has changed without changing at all. It doesn't make sense, but if you were me, you'd get it. Anyway, this Carlos, this new and improved Carlos, he makes me happy. He tells me he loves me every chance he gets and tells me how much he needs me. He's proud to hold my hand and does so whenever possible. He finds a way to give me a passing kiss during a water break at rehearsal and whisper "I love you," as he walks away. This Carlos is everything I wanted the old Carlos to be back when I was that devoted. I don't really know how else to explain it. Before Lee, I thought I couldn't find happiness with anyone but him and I never questioned it, really. Every fiber of my existence was to make him happy. But then Lee walked into my life at just the right and wrong time, essentially. He gave me so much more than I could have ever bargained for and he really changed my opinion of how much I coud care for someone.

Even now I wonder if what I did was right. Its true, I love Carlos...but that doesn't mean I didn't love Lee. Or well...it doesn't mean I couldn't love Lee. I guess in the end, it came down to comfort. But all this, everything with Lee is still going to affect my relationship with Carlos. The truth is I still have feelings for him. My heart flutters at the thought of him watching me spin out on the field. My stomach gives a turn when I see him looking for me during a water break. I don't know... I'm sure that with time, things will go back to normal, especially when winterguard kicks in and I won't be seeing Lee quite as often, if ever, as I do during marching season. But for now, they'll stay as they are...

...especially after the note he wrote me. I think that's the most emotional I've ever gotten at a note someone's written for me personally. That happened today at lunch. Bouza gave it to me when I got there and I went off to go read it and stood there in a corridoor reading and bawling. I was sitting there wondering "What the hell did he ever see in me? Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't he have touched someone else's life?" I wrote back, but it won't evoke as strong of a response as his did for me. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish in telling him all I did. The truth is I don't know what I want from him. I don't know what I want Lee to be for me. He's an amazing person I would hate to lose, but honestly, if this contact continues, I'll never free myself of the hold he has on me and devote myself completely to Carlos the way he's finally open to doing for me...and I'm afraid that if I take too long, I'll be too late, just like he was for me. I need to figure it out before I lose track of what's ahead of me. I need to stay focused. But what to focus on...?

It's 5 o'clock in the morning right at this moment. I have my reasons for being awake an hour and fifteen minutes before my alarm actually is set to go off. But that isn't why I'm blogging. Everythings happening just like before...just like all my other past experiences. Ok, so just one past experience, but I can't live like this anymore. I hate being stressed out about it. I hate not being motivated to do anything because I'm so upset and torn over whose heart has to break. Ok, and so maybe that was a little dramatic, but you get the idea.

Lee is amazing. I don't know how else to put it. Sure he has his things that bother me just like I'm sure I have things about me that bother him. But there are so many little things that he does that I'm afraid Carlos wouldn't. Like little text messages. Last night before I fell asleep, he sent me one that said "Before you go to sleep... Just letting you know... You are the only thing on my mind. G'night" or the way he remembers that I like my back tickled. There are no cryptic messages when I talk to him. There's nothing behind that to figure out. He cares about me and I'd be a fool to think otherwise.

But on the other hand, I have Carlos...someone I have a lot of history with, someone I already know I can't live without. Carlos is flawed just like the rest of us and I'd be a fool in this case to try and change anything about him, but I know he's putting in the effort. Last night while in the middle of falling asleep, he called me. Basically I told him how Lee's innocent and obvious care for me was something I feel I never really got from him, he made the conscious effort to change himself...to show me that he did and does care. All I've ever wanted from him was to fight for me. I never knew it before, but that's what he's been doing this whole time. Behind all the "Stay with him because you're happy,"s and the "I need to move on because you have,"s there was always a message that said "Please don't leave me. I love you and I'd do anything to let you know." He's fought for me every step of the way, and with that knowledge I gain the security I feel I never had back in the beginning. And sure, the innocence has been taken from the relationship, but I can substitute innocence for tenderness anyday. This I fee will be the terms of our relationship if and/or when we decide its time.

I'm thinking right now about how there's no way for everyone to be peachy-keen. In the end, I will end up hurting someone...someone I care about, someone who has been there for me like both these two have. I think I already know in my heart what I must do, I'm just looking for something, anything, to tell me I'm right. In the long run, it'll be beneficial. I have to remind myself of this. This will be beneficial. I am not being a bad person for doing this, nor is it being selfish. I am doing what will make me happy. And eventually, I know the two of them will be happy too.

I hate being sick. I'm missing my fourth day of school today because I feel like absolute shit. I feel like my body is literally falling apart on me. My fingertips are peeling like a bastard, my eyes are still red from yesterday morning, I'm congested, I have a bad cough. BLEH! I hate complaining, but its really hard not to at this point.

So I'm blogging because of my last blog. I was thinking last night before I crashed into sleep without doing any of the homework I was supposed to, Carlos and I have taken to talking...a lot. I don't know... I try not to thinking about how this will affect my relationship with Lee, but its hard not to. For the most part though, the hardest thing for me to do is think of something to say when Carlos tells me he loves me still or when he says things like he wants to hold me... It's a mix between right and wrong, truth and falsehood. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say or do the right thing when it comes to him. This is such a mess. My mind is such a mess right now. What am I going to do? I feel so stuck where I am. I can't move forward without hurting myself, and I can't move back without hurting someone else, but staying stationary will also hurt someone too. I don't know what to do anymore...

I've been afraid to even say it out loud. The fact that speaking the words could possibly make the idea even fathomable makes the thought of me telling another soul completely out of the question. But I told one person. I couldn't keep it from him and he wouldn't tell a soul, that I know. But the point is, I can't even talk about it out loud when I'm alone. I haven't even been able to say the word aloud. But god...it was just like the first time. I remember it so vividly...is that normal? It was just like that first time, but instead of me extending my hands out...it was him. He showed me what it was like to miss something because you know you'll never been in its presence again, or because you know it will be long before you get to experience it once more. It was like the sweetest goodbye...knowing I'll never be alone, but knowing it could never be public. I sound so melodramatic...lol. But the truth is as much as I love where I am, I think I'd give it up to start it all over again...to fix this and make it right. But I know that that isn't possible. We must move on and live life; let it take us where it wants to go.

But god...it was like all my questions and insecurities were answers and fixed in that one moment. The world stopped for a minutes, and it was as if he meant it to express everything he couldn't say.

And I have to admit, I wonder sometimes if this will continue. Will it constantly be secret meeting after secret meeting to sustain something that even myself swore never to do? This is such a moral battle. I have my heart telling me one thing, and my head saying another, and I've always been the one to say "Follow your heart," but right now, all I can seem to do is what I know is right, and I can't say I find anything wrong with it. But what is right for both my head and heart contradict each other and there will come a point in time when someone gets hurt. But we've tried...so many times. We tried being just friends. We've tried not talking about us or the past, but that lasted a whole day and a half. We tried not talking at all...but I refused. I don't know what there is to do anymore. I used to say I couldn't let the past ruin my future, but what if I still feel the past is my future? Nothing has felt so right to me before. But then I have that other bit of me that is constantly falling more and more in love with what my head has to offer me. I have to admit, the upsides are pretty great, too. The lack of confusion and insecurity for one...the fact that I have the upper-hand. I know who I am and there is no constant struggle to define myself for him. And as we become closer, I only see that bit of me opening up and taking over me. But I've noticed something over these few weeks that's been different from everything else. As much as I am essentially me, I'm not. I'm not open like I usually am...and I don't let him in. We talk about nothing and I let myself make empty promises I can only hope to fill. I'm not accustomed to these things. I'm not used to saying yes but knowing the answer is no. I can't explain it. As truthful as I am to him, I know I hide so much, especially my opinions. But what can I do...

I've just got to wait this out and see where it brings me; watch the storm pass. But I have to admit...I'm a little afraid that by the time the storm clouds have all dissipated, there will be nothing behind the gray. So in essence, I feel as if I really am waiting for nothing.