Applause for the Wallflower

I honestly don't know why I put myself through this. I knew it would happen. He says its because I broke his trust. He trusted me to stop talking to Lee...but did I? No. I didn't. He's right. I'm wrong. But I just don't understand why he can't see it from where I'm coming from. He says he does, but does he really understand that what he wants from me is much more than he thinks. You know...I don't want us to become another one of those couples who breaks up just because we're talking to people the other doesn't like...and to be honest, I sense myself leaning that way now...though definitely not that extreme. I've always been a jealous person, but with Carlos, I never really exercise that jealousy because I've always trusted that he'd never do anything with any of them, even if he did flirt. But now that he doesn't, this relationship doesn't work anymore because he thinks I still do. He's afraid that I'm going to cheat on him or leave him for Lee just like I did this summer, which I guess if you're standing in his shoes is a valid fear. But in all honesty, as much as I'd like to be friends with Lee, I love Carlos too much to let him do this to us again.

But haven't I learned my lesson already? If it's not one thing, it's another...and nothing will ever be perfect with us. Either he wants it, or I do. Maybe we're just destined to be one of those couples who love each other so much, but the circumstances aren't ever right.

One thing that bothers me though..."One girl isn't worth this." You know what? Saying he'd die for me...saying he'd do anything for me... He expects this in return, but how can I possibly fathom that when he isn't willing to work this out. I understand that it's way more complex than just this...just the fact that I'm talking to Lee. It's that his trust is broken. But as much as he's said he's changed, no matter what he ever said, I always had a feeling that eventually, I'd get farther into than I ever imagined, much deeper than he possibly could. I don't even know if he loves me anymore...but why should I wait around to find out? I know that this is what we're destined to become.

This is a one way street to hell. Something will always interfere with us being happy together. But he will always interfere with me being happy with someone else. Either way, I'm screwed.

My god, I just realized how much I can't wait for winter season... Mr. Broadbent was talking about how the guard judge this weekend is the "head WGI guy" and will basically decide at our invitational whether we'll be where we want to be next season or not. It's weird how just a year ago, I wasn't really all that seriously into guard. My life was all about twirling, something that I've done for the better part of my life on this earth. And just to think that I'm not doing it anymore? God, it feels crazy not going some place after school on Mondays and Wednesday without my baton in my hand...or in practice clothes and cougars. But look at this place now. Look at where I've gotten to and what I've become. I'm not one that likes to be in places I'm unfamiliar with and uncomfortable simply because it makes me feel inferior. Guard was one of those things that made me feel uncomfortable and inferior in the beginning. But the transition was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Looking at it all in retrospect, I guess I can't really say I was as inferior as I claim simply because I had a lot more previous experience and background with spinning and dancing than other girls did...but who really cares...lol

I remember talking to Evan during english last year second semester about how if it were going to be any year our NJROTC were to become national champions, it would be then. I thought about that statement...and how it applied to the guard. If there's any year we're to become world champions, it's this one. I've talked about it so much I feel like I've exhausted the topic by now, but it's almost as if we've built this momentum by ourselves. This is the year. And I'm not going to get superstitious on this one. This is the year we go from 4th to 1st. This is the year we prove how hard we've worked...and this is the year all the years after will be compared to. Anything from its show, the floor, the costumes, its members, to its captains... This is the year I learn from. This is the year I make my notes and learn what is to be done.

God, I can't wait.

I don't understand why I do this to myself. I am such a happy person, you know? It's really hard for me to be unhappy around people. It's really hard for me to not smile in the presense of other people. But lately, it's been becoming increasingly difficult to paste that smile again and again. I find myself wanting to retreat to my own thoughts and be alone during lunch. So I make an effort to sit with people I talk to at lunch...I make it a point to be with a friend more often than not. I don't understand what's happening, to be honest. Its not like I have anything to be seriously upset about. I haven't lost the friend I thought I did, I'm still spinning and dancing and doing what I love, I'm surrounded by people that I care about and care about me...what do I have to complain about? But I've come to the conclusion that its more than just that. It's everything that I have and everything I won't. The future I don't see for myself now...the future that I do see. They both have their pros and cons...

It's all too early to pick out my retirement home just yet, so I think I'll leave this topic be for the time being. Good night.

Yes, I still think about it... It goes through my mind every time I look at you, every time I talk to you, every time I think about you. That feeling isn't unfamiliar but it goes through me and envokes this...shiver that's almost seductive to me. I need it to stop. You have no idea how badly I need this to stop. But you have no idea how badly I don't want it to. No, I don't love you. But neither do you. You miss the idea of me...having finally had someone to hold and finally knowing what it all was...what was so great about it. I made it fathomable for you. But that doesn't make what it was any less real. It is what it is. We can't change what this is. If only........

So here's what I've been dying to admit for weeks. This is all riding on the hope that he still reads my blog...which may very well be untrue, but it's worth a shot, isn't it? Ok, so here it goes.

It's all stuff I've told him before...that I want to be friends...that I want to still be close. There are some secrets that I can't confess to anyone, not even on this because I know that there are some ways of it getting out and even though no one would really care, just the fact that other people know something so significant to me and care so little would kill me. But there are some things that I want so much to spill to him...to give light to for him, but he'd rather sit in utter darkness than accept a flashlight when someone else is standing in the stadium lights. It makes me so upset...so hurt to know that just being of my selfishness, I've lost a person that I want so much more from than just a passing glance in the hallways...or not even that. What we have now? It's one of those looks...the kind where you look over your shoulder just to see if they're watching you walk away and once you realize you do see them staring at you, you turn your head and pretend you never even looked with that intention. You walk away satisfied that for just that moment, you ran through their mind. Well I'm tired of that. I'm sick of being that girl. Dammit, I want a best friend from this and I mean that. I don't think he understands that I mean it. But even if he did, he doesn't want the same thing, so why do I constantly push? He wants me completely or not at all...and why do I have such a hard time with just leaving him alone? My life was fine without him in it, and it should be completely sane and normal without him in it again, if not better, just to reduce the number of fights Carlos and I get into on a daily basis. You know what, though? Its to the point where I don't even care if I'm in a fight every night if I have to be. I love Carlos with everything I've got for reasons that my own reasoning has yet to how me...but this is that one thing he wants that I could never give him. For some reason, this bit of my heart wants to maintain some form of relationship with Lee. I don't even know why.

I sat up last night thinking about what happened this summer. I thought about that month I had absolutely no contact with the single person I loved the most and I threw myself into every love story I had. I watched The Notebook for the first time since it was in theaters...I read the novel. I purchased James Patterson's Sam's Letters to Jennifer and the sequel to The Notebook. I don't know what it was, but something inside me made me believe so much that romances with such power could work and that someday I'd be living out my life like that. But when he broke up with me...it was like that something just died. I didn't want to believe anymore and I couldn't. I threw myself into whatever novel I had that had nothing to do with romance. I ended up with the 5th and 6th Harry Potter books before the final one released. I've told the story time and time again. But I gave myself every distraction to keep from thinking the one thing that would send me into another "Month of May" as I call it. And then I started to feel happy again...happy on my own. I started noticing myself smile more and I started to laugh. I stayed out with my friends and I rarely even thought about this boy I had been so crazy about. And Lee... My comfort. My lighthouse through the stormy weathers. My pillar of strength through the earthquake. He seemed to become my stability for a short period of time. And through that time, I got to know just how great of a person he can be. How insightful, he was. And I miss talking to him like that...so much. I miss texting him. And I miss the things he used to say. And I miss the little things he'd remember. And.....everything. Carlos...he can make me breakfast in bed, tell me the sweetest lines, rub my back and let me fall asleep in his sweater and somehow the way Lee made me feel when he did just a fraction of these things...would add up to everything Carlos could have managed to do. That isn't to say I don't love Carlos. And that's isn't to say that I love Lee. I'm just saying that Carlos could never remember just how I like my back tickled and in what pattern...he could never remember I don't like eggs...he could never use his words just the right way to tell me he loves me. But because he can't...that's exactly why I love him. For everything single thing he can't remember to do...everything he couldn't do right...I love him just as much because for that one thing he didn't have, he had another. As for Lee...he was everything I expected. My expectations of him were not exceeded and they were not unreached. And for that, I'll still always have him in my heart.

I definitely went off the rabbit trail, didn't I? Anyway, the point of this blog was to say that I need Lee right now to feel ok. I have nothing to worry about in life like my father having cancer or getting into massive fights with my mother or having a handicapped brother whom I need to take care of. No. I don't have those things...but just because my life isn't as weighted as someone else's may be doesn't mean I don't have the right to be sad and mad and upset and a bit depressed. I am all those things when I'm alone. I don't want to be anymore. I want to be able to say I can make my own happiness and sustain it...but because of all this...I can't. I have so much standing in my way and I can fix it. I know I can. I don't even need Lee to fix it. But I want him. I want him in my life. Is that so bad? God, why am I pleading to some imaginary life force? It's not like this damn blog makes my decisions in life anyway.

I should really delete this...

Its officially my 400th post on my blog...hence the Happy 400 lol... The slash October part is because its the first day of my birthday month! I should just do like Carlos's mom and celebrate October as my birthday month instead of just the 28th as my date of birth.

Anyway, so I haven't posted in about a week... I feel bad that I'm lagging in current happenings in my life, but lately I haven't had much time to talk about anything interesting going on...or rather, anything in my life, whether interesting or not, that's for you to decide. I personally don't think its very interesting at all. Quite frankly, I'm so sick and tired of being in the same situation I've been in for what seems like months, when in reality it's only been a few short weeks. But I'll revisit this point in a paragraph or two.

So I can officially say that I've had the most eventfully unplanned-uneventful weekend with the band in my two short seasons at Flanagan. That doesn't make any sense. What I meant to say was that this past weekend was planned to be eventful, but not like it actually was. It was made out to go smoothly and nice and give us the results we were to sow. I must admit, it definitely didn't end up going that way. On Friday night, the football game resulted in 1) a massive throwdown between Miramar and Flanagan (resulting in a massive feud/rivalry that will most likely remain for years to follow (lucky us underclassmen who get to go to the next few years worth of football games...)) and 2) a complete meltdown from our leadership staff. *sigh* There's so much I could say about our leadership staff this year...but I'll save it for another post that'll probably never come...lol. Anyway, the point is Friday didn't turn out too hot. Saturday rehearsal was...long. We started at 9 and went to 1 but my god it felt like forever. It was probably just the heat. The whole day was just kind of crappy until we got to the competition. For the last couple weeks, I've been saying how slow this season is going to go...but Saturday just made me realize how little time we have. Now we're down to three more local shows, BOA, then FBA. And that's it. That's a month and a week. That's practically nothing compared to winterguard. A month and a week. It's so weird, but I have to admit that I love marching band just as much as I do winterguard. Sure the guard may share the stage, which for the most part, if you really know my personality, you'll know I don't share the spotlight easily with others, but I love the fact that I can now be proud of our band...not that I wasn't before. But to know such a powerful sound, such beauty in the form of music can be made from the people I call my peers, some I call my friends...that's amazing. But I'm not here to critique their performance...I can only tell you what I like to listen to...not what's technically classified as good. The point is we have such little time left for this show. The last show I'll ever be in with seniors that'll be graduating at the end of the year. What a loss...

So back to Saturday... The competition. We got there and went out to get food for dinner. When we got to the tent, they told us they had run out. Great. We went back to the stands where the band was supposed to meet up at 7 to recollect before warm-ups. Warm-ups sucked. Dropping fives...half-catches...bruises...tears of frustration. I just couldn't handle it to be honest. We walked out to the field for performance. I calmed down with the whole Starburst tradition thing. We were on the readyline (I don't really know if they call it the readyline, that's just what they say in baton...the readyline and the ready-to-be-readyline...lmao what a funny term) and the band before us performed and then it started drizzling. Then it started raining...then came the wind. Then it started pouring...and by pouring, I mean like torrential downpour and winds that could send your baby up in the air if you weren't holding tight enough. Cypress Creek got major props for continuing their show and at the end, the crowd was pretty wound up and crazy. When we took the field to set our equipment, the energy was pulsating through us and I knew we all felt it was going to be a fun show. The music started, I picked up my flag and tossed at the end of the song and everything in the stadium went completely dark. The lights and the power had all gone out. A second later, you could see a massive bolt of lightning and a big blue flash: the lightning hit a transformer and blew it up. I haven't ever heard a crowd scream quite as long since WGI. The feeling was electrifying as if the lightning had instead his each member on the field and given us some push of adrenaline that sent us whizzing through our entire show in the utter darkness that was the football field we were on. Once the show was over, the lights were turned back on and Mr. Rivero called us to the center of the field and told us how proud he was to say that we were his band...that he directed us. For someone that's such a hardass, that feeling is completely overwhelming and I'm so glad to have gotten that experience. Walking off the field, leading the line for the entire guard and band...so many people talked about how they loved us and how the show was officially owned by Flanagan...hearing our name being chanted by the audience. It's something I'll never forget. I just can't wait to see what else this season has in store for us. It's sure to be...eventful to say the least.