Applause for the Wallflower

You see...when it happened, I didn't know. I had no idea. But slowly, I think I started to get the hint. We walked out of the bathroom and one of the girls was made because something had happened...and I just kind of knew. I think maybe from that point on, there was no denying it. Or maybe there was just a clue and it stuck with me the whole time. I immediately shook it out of my mind from that moment until he made it an issue. If it were up to me, I'd have just left it alone. If it were up to me, I'd have smiled and pretended and gone along with the game. But I didn't think I could lie to him. So I didn't. I don't think I could be any less close to ending the relationship at that point, to be honest. Had I not found out...had I not known...I wouldn't be sitting here telling you how in love with this kid I am. But at the time, when I didn't know...when things were more simple than anything is now, I was so close to slipping away. I was so close to calling it quits. But he helped me through one of the most nerve-wracking experiences I think I will ever go through in my entire life. This isn't like the first boy you ever make out with and think he's the one for you...the one you'll spend the rest of your life kissing. This isn't even like the first boy you have have sex with. No, it's more than that...this experience. And he held my hand the whole way. Sure I know guys who'd do the same thing, but they weren't the ones in the hot seat. God, this was such a trial for us. It was such a trial for me. All the ups and downs, my emotions running through me like a river.

But when it all boils down to the nitty gritty...I don't think anyone realizes how uncomfortable I am sitting in that guard room talking about topics relating to me, without them knowing it relates to me. I can't even begin to explain how much I want to tell them to fuck off and shut the hell up because they don't know what they're talking about. God it kills me. It kills me because I used to be one of them. But I had no choice. What else could I do? I was in a corner and my god...all I could do was what was done. And thank god for it. It made my relationships stronger in more than just a single bond. It brought so much life to the table, which is a little ironic. But all in all, its something that had to be done. I needed this. Both the experience and its end. And maybe someday I may regret my decision... Maybe someday I'll sit down and wonder what it would have been like. But today, I feel no regret. At least that's what I keep reminding myself...

It has certainly been a long day. I feel on top of everything and its weird for me to feel like I don't have anything to do. I'll probably regret this in a few days, but for now, I feel like everything is peaceful and is in its rightful place. I actually came on here to blog about something that's been on my mind for a while now. Not in a bad way, but I've just had a lot of time to think about it and I feel its something that's really important to express. I touched it a bit in my last blog, but I want to go further into detail if I can.

So I mentioned earlier that the last month or two had brought myself and Carlos a lot closer. For a while after we first got back together, I was just in the big mushy feeling where nothing was the way I wanted it to be and I was stuck in the relationship I had with Carlos. I thought, "Well as soon as he graduates, I'll be free and single and happy." And the more that this state of mind progressed, the less and less I was happy. I started looking over to comfort from the thought of someone else...and my low point, BOA (Bands of America, a regional competition the marching band attended on my birthday weekend in Atlanta), certainly was the lowest I feel I was at in my relationship with Carlos. Honestly, it was even worse than those times that he said he didn't want to be with me if I still was in contact with Lee. At least that's how I felt. I tried feeling better because afterall, it was my Sweet Sixteen that weekend, but nothing would look up for me. I started to realize that I had no one if I felt my boyfriend wasn't all I needed, my guard friends all were two faced and probably didn't care for me in the least, and the only person I really wanted to talk to at the time was completely off limits if I wanted to stay with this boy I knew I loved, but didn't know exactly why. I constantly reminded myself day after day that I loved Carlos and nothing would take that away. I told myself that he was my world and that he would do anything for me and for a while, it seemed as though I was the only thing he cared about. There would be nights, several in a row on occassion, where he'd just sit there and explain to me how much he loved and cared about me and broke down into tears. But somehow, this really didn't do the trick to convince me of his love. I know...how awful.

But it was this event that showed me just how much I was cared for. He stuck by my side through it all and even held me as I cried with overwhelming emotion and loss. I find myself wanting to be with him every second of the day and hoping and praying that someday this will become a reality. I feel so young when I talk about how much I'm in love with him, but it's how I feel right now. I feel like I've been given a new lease on my love for him and every day I feel it grow even more and more. My affection has certainly grown and I've even noticed that I flirt a lot less with boys than I used to. It's funny, but sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with happiness and love that I literally feel like I'm about to burst into a million bubbles streaming into the air. I can't describe just what it is and it's difficult to describe why. What is it about him? It's the way his arms can hold me twice around. It's how I can never stay mad at him; how he knows just what buttons to push and which spots to touch; the way he smells after a shower; how his chest feels against mine; the sleeply look in his eyes after he's just woken up from sleep or a nap; how he's so particular in how we hold hands, and how it fits perfectly with my particularity; the way I can dance with him on his feet; how we can sing songs and make fun of each other for messing up lyrics; the way he tickles me when we wrestle and play fight; his silence when he's upset or tired; the way every precious rib can be counted through his shirt. God, I love everything about this kid...and I'm even starting to get used to his temper, which is saying a lot. But saying I love everything about him is an understatment. I got to fall asleep with him next to me, holding me tight about a week ago...and it made me realize just how badly I want that to be my fate from now until the rest of forever. I want to fall asleep with his skin touching mine. And someday we'll have that. That's why I always say someday we'll get our happily ever after. And I really do believe it.

So it really has been so long since I've blogged and it's almost a hassle now to get back on here and type everything out. I don't think I have just enough time to thoroughly explain it, nor do I really want the entire population of people on the internet (especially the ones who know who I am) to know the exact nature of my business of the last couple months. I do however have a few highlights I want to share.

It's been pretty busy for a while. With marching band just ending in the beginning of November and winterguard starting up again (our show was announced as PostSecret, you know, that blog/books with all those anonymous crazy secrets) I barely have time to sleep let alone to homework, think, or any other personally pleasurable activity. I'm starting to get a case of "second-year-syndrome" where I think the direction of this year's show won't be as great as last year's. I have to admit, I'm probably going to be pleasantly surprised at premiere night, and oh how I hope to be. I can't wait to finish the show!

Aside from guard, things with this boyfriend of mine have been absolutely lovely. So much has happened, and again, I can't divulge in full detail. However, I can tell you that within the past month and a half, I've grown so close to him, I don't think I could ever live without him. Sure it may sound pretty cliche, but something inside me just depends on him so much, it's almost pathetic to admit. I'll also tell you that something in the last week has happened between him and myself that brought not only the two of us together, but also myself and my mother. My relationship with her was always kind of strained. I hated going to her house, I hated having to be dragged out of my social life to spend time with her. It's a terrible thing to admit, but again, that was before. And then after this whole ordeal occurred, I just realized how much I really do need my mom at a time like this, at this point in my life. So after this "situation" was fixed, she started talking with Carlos's mom and got a hook-up into the neighborhood Carlos lives and now she's just about to reserve an apartment at the place he's living. She asked me on the way to pick up my brothers the other day if I wanted to live with him. I was doing a lot of thinking about the whole thing and realized that this is my perfect opportunity to do just exactly what I want and need, so I told her a couple days later that I wanted to. I'm really excited to start this new chapter in my life. I think 2008 is the perfect time for a fresh start. Just one more month of waiting and I'm home free...

The only downside is that I constantly find myself saying "Just wait this out, Kristina...just x amount of days/weeks/months." When will I ever just be there?