Applause for the Wallflower

I know what I'm good for. I don't want to walk down that road again and I know where it will leave me: lost and broken. But it's so hard to say no...so hard to resist, especially when we both know I want it more than I don't. I don't understand how I can still be so magnetized toward him but still know its wrong...

Enough.

I'm tired of being this girl...the one who needs advice for everything; looks to other people for inspiration. I'm going to do what I want regardless of what anyone tells me, so I'm just going to let the wind dictate me for a while. All this stress and tension holding up this exterior for so long...its built up. Maybe a little release will do me good. We'll see. Maybe it's just not in my cards. Maybe it is. The next few days should tell us. Maybe.

I might like this boy. I mean I sort of had a little crush on him before, but now I think I like him. I don't know what it was, but I think talking to him today changed my perception of him. Maybe I realized we had a bit more in common than I originally thought. At first, his whole being committed to something so heavily thing turned me off a bit because I figured if anything happened, he wouldn't have time for me, even if I had the time to give him, but now I'm realizing maybe its a blessing in disguise. I mean I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch, but let's say we go out or something, we'll both be busy with our own schedules so if we don't have time to be together, we won't feel crappy about leaving the other out to dry because we'll be busy with things of our own. There was something else he said today, too, that made me kind of rethink my original ideals. We were asking each other questions like we do when we get bored and I asked him if he liked to party. He said he parties a little, but it isn't excessive, which is an answer I like to hear. Same with drinking. I'm definitely not one to go out, get hammered, and have the gossip of what my drunken maddness be spread through the halls the following Monday. It seems to me that he isn't that type either. Then he asked me if I was the type for those thing and obviously I said no and told him I was a really shy person. And the thing the got to me was what he replied. "I am, too." I don't know what it is about that kind of innocence...that modesty that allows someone to be timid when uncomfortable, like myself, that makes me crazy. It's the cutest thing in the world to me... I can't explain it. Maybe because Carlos was so extroverted and liked to make himself known, that it's nice to have a contrasting personality to look to. I mean let's face it, if there was any person I knew to be the most extroverted and outgoing person, it would be him. Even when it's mildly inappropriate to act in such a manner, he'll make his presense known, sometimes even to an obnoxious degree, but that's just his personality. It's not like he does it on purpose, I guess... But this boy...he's like me. I can be funny and loud and bubbly and flirty and fun and all those exciting social traits when I'm around people I know and am comfortable with, but put me in a room with people who know each other but not me, I'm definitely going to retract and keep my mouth closed.

This is definitely something I'm feelin'... We'll see where it goes. If things continue, maybe I might find something great out of this pile of rubble I've been left with. It should be interesting to see how things progress...

Ok, so I didn't like my last post, even though its still up here, just under a different title. I guess maybe I should explain the title. Racing the sun...is exactly how I felt. I felt like every moment spent in the darkness, 3:30, 4, 5, 6:30...moments just waiting; waiting for the first rays of sunlight to burst across the horizon and into my starry eyes; waiting for the first signs of movement summoned by the hopes that the sun often brings. But my hopes were left in the shadows. I raced the sun for every moment of happiness I hoped to claim to sustain me until somehow I'm happy on my own. But I don't think you felt the same way, that same urgency in every touch and every longing glance. You felt...confusion. You missed what it felt like to hold me for a few hours. And for those few hours, you knew again. You remembered what it was like to press your body against mine, to wrap me in your arms and not let go, to kiss me. You remembered...but I don't know if you missed it after the sun inevitably beat us into defeat.

I was never asking you for another chance. I never asked you to want me again. I never even asked for those hours we spent. But I did ask you for a straight answer. And that, I thought I got...but I didn't because an hour after you spoke to me, giving me your verbal answer, your actions gave me reason to doubt.

You see, I've taught myself not to hope with you because the right answer will never be right. It'll always be enough to keep me on my knees, but never enough to pick me up to a stand. I need to learn to pick myself up and move on. And I know you say you want me to. You say you want me to find a new boy, someone who won't be as wishy-washy as you, someone who will give me straight answers and love me regardless...someone that deserves me. And I want that too. But what you do makes me think you need to hold onto me. What you do makes me think you want me despite what you say.

We all say things we don't mean, and a picture's worth a thousand words. And if someone had had a camera last night, two nights ago, we'd have had more than a single picture, I gurantee that.

Yes, if you're reading this and you know who I am and you know what happened this weekend, you're assumption in believing I would blog about these events were right. I am.

I don't think its any secret what happened on the bus going to Pensacola. And I don't think it will be secret for long what happened on the way home, not that it will surprise many... It's just so hard to let myself fall into these things and come out of them knowing I have no place else to go but back to the starting line. Can I really be that stupid? And just because he doesn't know how he feels...or because he confused doesn't make it ok for him to toy with me like that. An hour before all this happened, he had been telling me how he and his girlfriend were working out and all this other lovely stuff that makes me wonder about their real relationship...basically how he trusts her more than he ever trusted me. In short, that was my fault entirely, but I guess I can't take back the past. However, the reality of it is that we've both come to the understanding that we will always love each other regardless. But knowing that...it's enough for some people. For me? No. It isn't. I've had too much experience with thinking things were in my hands before they were and having them hit the floor before I knew what had happened. This isn't something I want to turn out that way. But he's letting this fall into the hands of something I don't believe in. I make my own fate. I decide my own destiny. He believes its already written for us. So I guess the only thing I can think to do at the moment is wait like I said earlier. Or maybe forget it all? This was probably a once-and-never-again kind of thing... Yeah... I'll keep telling myself that till Sarah wants to sleep on the floor on the way to Orlando and history repeats itself...

So I was talking to this kid I haven't talked to in a looong while today. It's always nice speaking with him just because its so relaxed and its never like it is when I talk to other boys. No tension. No pressure. Just talking. Anyway, talking with him made me realize how much I want this year to be over. Just...done. I know I'm always saying I have to savor the moment, blah blah blah. But I'm just so stuck in this grey matter right now. It's really quite bothersome. I can't stand not being able to see past these ridiculous headlights that our instructor keeps saying is imperative to achieving our goal. It's always been my preference to keep the big picture in mind...the big goal. Sure, there are little things we have to reach first, but knowing I have a big accomplishment to arrive to, it makes me surge even harder sooner.

Ugh. And I don't think this sinking feeling will ever go away. I'm never going to be the same around this kid. But what's the use in trying? I'm just going through the motions these days. Why should this be any different?

I wouldn't say this is a state of depression. Definitely not. And I'm not gonna lie, a lot of the things I say on here are deeply dramatized simply because I like the way the words flow together. lol In any case, I'm a chipper kid. Smiles and bright eyes. I'm still overcome by grey...but my smile shines through it. I'm staying positive. That's all I can do. That's all I really want to do...

So I'm definitely wondering what the hell I was on when I wrote those last entries. I mean as much as I'd like to be back to the place I was a few months ago, the fact of the matter is that its been two and a half months since Carlos and I have been broken up and its been, what, a month since he and his girlfriend have been dating? It doesn't look like anything's going to be changing any time soon, so why bother wanting it anymore? Its not that it isn't worth wanting. It's just a question of why should I continue on this hopeless trail when all it will ever bring me is nonexistent hope? I can always hope and wish and dream that there will be that day that we bump into each other when I'm on my way to becoming some fantastic journalist as a student at NYU while he's up there studying...but its a dream. And more and more recently, I've started realizing that I'm going to be that girl he looks up in his Senior Class yearbook and thinks, "My god, it's been so long... I wonder how she is..." And I realize that he's going to be the boy I don't think about for years and years, and then one day, my husband will ask me, "Who was your first love?" And I'll reply, "His name was Carlos. I was a freshman in high school and he was a junior. We fell head over heels, and so began and ended our tumultuous romance." The question is when will I come to terms with the fact that this is how the story ends. I just...I guess I need to PIT. Pull It Together. Quick. I need to throw my head into guard because this team is suffering. I love being a team member, but its so difficult when I have so much to think about, especially when nothing's even developed from it. (Those are the worst situations...the kinds where you want to think so far into them, but you just know that its pointless because you end up walking circles around details you had overseen days and weeks and months before)

I guess the moral of this story is that I can do anything I want...and everything I want is within reach. That is, with you as my exception.

This can't be the way this story ends. There is just no way a story like ours could just...finish like that. Through everything we've been through together, with everything we've experienced together, we just can't be done. A story can unfold as many times as you want it to, but it never just fades out the way ours seemed to have. And on second thought, who does this girl think she is barging into our story like that? Not to sound accusatory...although I don't really think you can take it any other way. But what else can she possibly be but a bump in the road? "Men are never as mysterious as women want them to be." And its true. This is a predictable story with a plot I could write out and sell myself to millions of people.

It may not be worth it to mention...but I sent out my message to the universe. And here it is in writing, just in case my bubble missed the clouds...

I want you.

There's nothing behind it; nothing in front of it... Just what you see. I want you. But I won't try to force it out of you. I want you to want me, too. And if it doesn't happen...then I don't want you. But right now, all I can say is I really hope the universe is listening...because I've only really wanted two things in life thus far. That gold medal and you. I can't say from experience whether the universe has answered me yet...but the patterns say yes. I'm hoping they stay that way.

So I have my reservations about writing this blog right now. I have so much I need to get out, just random thoughts that need a place to rest, however, I don't want to really risk others reading them. I guess in the long run, it won't really matter. And who really cares about my life's trials and dramas anyway?

So on with it, I guess.

Why now? That's all I want to know...why now? Why do you wait for so long...wait for me to finally be confident in my life, happy and adjusted, to come back. Why do you choose the worst, or maybe the perfect, moments to ruin, to destroy, or maybe even build, me? How can you possibly have this amazing sense of timing to know just when its the worst, or best, time to pop back into my life? You say, "Keep this on the DL." We want to be on better terms before we confront everyone with our "friendship." You say, "I just need time to think but we're only friends." What else do you think I could possibly want, if that at all? All I want to do is scream at you...tell you that you don't deserve me, even as a friend, after the way you had treated me. For a month...all I heard from people, from everyone but you was, "I hate that bitch!" or other various versions of this offensive term. For a month, all I saw was your blatant attempts to show me you're better off without me. And now, all of a sudden, you "wanted to say sorry for everything," and you "...just want to work things out because you need a friend." Sweetheart, real life doesn't treat you as well as I do.

The truth is I knew you would always be sorry in the end for how you'd treated me. I knew you would come back apologizing. Maybe not asking for me back, but I knew you'd be sorry for how you acted. And I was right. She doesn't get you like I do, does she? You thought you had left me for something greater... You thought you could find better than me because you had found all my imperfections and flaws that you hated. That's not to say there aren't girls out there better than me...but for you, my love... Try as you might, no one will ever fit you the way I did, like puzzle pieces, and I think you know this. But you're afraid to admit you were wrong again. You're afraid to come back and say you made a mistake. I know you all too well, and that you know, too. And truth be told, I'd be an idiot to think you didn't still love me. I was an idiot to think you didn't love me at all the moment you broke my heart. But you, my dear, would be a complete fool to think you didn't love me anymore, if that's what's running through your mind right now.

Granted, I would love to restore whatever salvagable relationship we can. Friendship is really all I think we can manage at this point. Unfortunately, the truth is that no matter how much I'd love to say friendship is all I'm after, I'd be lying. I'm not going to sit around my whole life waiting for you to realize I'm still here, but I should at least put in the effort... You'll always have a piece of me, and I don't think I could ever even try to reclaim it, but as much as I know I still hold a bit of your heart, I'm scared to recognize it. I've never been as confident with knowing these things as you were.

Beneath all this strength, below the core of my hope, I'm scared and fragile and afraid to admit that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he has found someone that's better than me and I'm simply holding on to an empty dream that tomorrow will be a better day. His body language, his speech, his moods...I know them too well, but as a part of my natural insecurity, I'll never be confident enough to admit he still really loves me because I'll always be too afraid to be proven wrong.

I guess I'm just ranting at this point...but all I can really do is sit and wait and watch what happens. I'd love to say that within a few short months, our love for one another will be restored and life will be merry and everything will go according to plan, but nothing ever runs that smoothly. He may not still love me. He may really love this girl he's with. I may realize I don't really need him. So many determining factors...but there's only one future. One answer. One life to live. I can't spend this time in the present worrying about the future so much I don't live now. So I guess I just close my eyes, close my heart, close my mind...and wait.

Not quite. It's 8:14 in the P.M. currently and it's been 365 days and a couple of minutes since the first time Carlos's lips had ever touched mine. Looking back all that way, its seems like time has just flown by. It's just too unfortunate how badly the end was. I sat in class wondering what he was thinking. While driving place to place, I'd question if he even remembered. Did he tell his girlfriend? In more ways than just one, it doesn't matter. Not in the least bit. But the hard truth of it is that today is still such a memorable day to me, that no matter how many times I condemn the thoughts as being "bad" or "off limits", they still find a way to crawl back into the nooks and crannies of my mind. I remember the smell and the taste; I remember all the feelings associated with all those senses. It's hard to believe its only been a year. As much as has happened, I still recall these memories fondly with a hand to my heart and a smile on my face. I can't say the same for him.

In other news, our last (simultaneously being our first) couple shows have been absolutely terrible. Premier Night was horrendous simply because we were so unsure of how much pressure there was on our shoulders. I really don't think we realized what was happening to us as we stepped out on the floor to officially debut our 2008 program, PostSecret. Our Saturday performance at John I. Leonard...we just weren't nervous enough to make sure everything hit our hands before we moved into the next set. I just hope we find the balance this week, myself included. Its so hard to describe how badly I want this. I think my passion for guard, it just seemed to fizzle out with all the drama in my life. Between Carlos, personal troubles, school and grades...guard was just the farthest thing from my mind and I just seemed to put myself into autopilot. But now that boy-dramatics are over, school is waaay easier, and most of my personal issues have been quieted, I now have the ability to give my passion and my one true constant in life my full and undivided attention. All these past months, I completely forgot what it was to feel like its so close and slip through my fingers. It's like WGI finals all over again. Working so hard as a group, as well as an individual, to let the moment pass us by. We've waited for the chance to show everyone exactly what we're made of...a whole summer, a whole fall season, and now our chance is finally here...and look at what we're doing. We're letting it slip away...letting it fall between the cracks. All I want is to walk out of this season and say, "Goddammit, all of us tried and we all did out best. And that's all I've ever asked for." I sincerely hope that all the other apprehensive members of our guard figure it out quick, fast, and in a hurry because for me, I'm not going to waste another year of my life wishing we had done something different. I hope that next time we step onto our brand new floor, filled with the most intimate secrets from people all over the country, I hope I can look into every member's eyes and read the passion and desire and hunger for this like you can see so clearly in mine. I won't accept anything less than that, or I want you off my floor. It's that simple.

So I've decided that I'm ridiculously tired of playing this role. I'm sitting here hating myself for yet again typing up another blog about Carlos thinking that this whole thing is just tired and overplayed. I mean honestly, when you get a certain number of threatening text messages and comments and dirty looks that just scream "I hate you," it becomes really old really fast. Quite frankly I don't even know if I want to bother telling the story just once more, I'm that tired of explaining it, not that anyone really ever cared to begin with lol...

But I will say this: If he seriously thinks he has to raise his voice while talking about his girlfriend, show off that button his girlfriend's mom made him, or whatever other all too obvious exploit to make it overtly clear to me that he's "moved on", he's doing a pretty shitty job... No one ever does that to someone else unless deep down they really feel like they have to prove it to someone else in order to prove it to themselves, which in all truth makes me feel a bit of pity for him. I mean even after all the shit he's put me through, which I'm sure to him doesn't seem at all the sizable amount that he claims I've put him through, I still think he deserves to be happy. Everyone does. I'm moving on, and though maybe sometimes it doesn't seem that way because I'm not nearly as loud about my conquests as he is with what's-her-face, but I am. And slowly but surely, I'm working my way back to happiness...especially now that I know not every guy is like Carlos. The funny thing is I used to love this fact for different reasons than I do today. A month or two ago, it was because I loved him so much I knew no one would ever be the same guy he was to me. Now? I think my lucky fucking stars that no one will ever treat me with such disrespect and degradation.

The sad thing about me though is the fact that I'm so tempted to say, "I can't believe I wasted 11 months of my life trying to make something work when it was doomed from the start with a child who was never worth my time." Unfortunately, I know it wasn't time wasted. There really were moments when the two of us loved each other, when we really thought we'd be together for all our lives, as juvenile as that sounds. But I have to say I got a lot out of this relationship, personally. My bond with my mom is waaay strong now, I've learned a lot about love and making other people happy, and most of all, through all this hurt and pain, I've learned how to make myself happy. These things, these commodities, are certainly irreplaceable. And again, I thank my lucky stars that I've had the opportunity to possess these in my life.