Applause for the Wallflower

I'm just so worried that things will turn out like they were before. I guess that's just the reality of it. I really cared about C when everything started with him. I knew he'd be in my life for a while, so I let down my guard and let him in. Sure, we had a long run, as far as teenage relationships are concerned, but I don't want to do that with M. It's maybe not so much that I feel any more or less for him; I just want to know I'm taking every precaution, making every right move to make sure things turn out well. In truth, its almost as if I had a facade on with C. I remember all those times he'd tell me "You think I don't know when something's bothering you? We've been dating for *insert time stamp* and you're going to tell me I don't know you well enough to figure it out?" But to be honest, he really didn't know me at all because I never let him see who I really was. I mean I guess you can leave it at who am I really, but all I know is that he didn't know either and I'm really afraid of that happening again. I don't want to move so fast that I can't see what's going on around me, but I don't want to be so worried about the speed limit that I get pulled over for driving too slow and I don't enjoy what's really happening. I guess in the end, things are going to happen the way they happen. It's not all up to me, contrary to my own belief. In situations such as these, we're dealing with more than my own conscience. M has one too and I shouldn't forget that.

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I mean not in a bad way, but I guess how else could you really take that statement? Lol.. I mean in the sense that I feel like sometimes I'm a bit too trusting. Well, actually I know I am. I mean I know I like M a lot, but let's take today for example. I saw him for about half an hour and it was like I couldn't help it. I had to kiss him, and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. And one thing lead to another, and to tell you the truth, I kind of had to take myself out of the situation to keep from going farther. I mean, things heated up pretty fast, to say the least. I'm just worried about it. I mean I usually only get like this when I know the guy'll be around for a while, but still.

This leads me into my next point. Actually, I didn't think I was going to write about it, but here it is. On my stupid truth box thing on MySpace, someone wrote "I'll always be there for you even though you're a slut and I can't stand that." Honestly, I have a pretty good idea as to who it was, but I won't point fingers becaue I may be wrong. You know what bothers me? I'm really not a slut, but it's not that. It's the fact that I know I consider this person a friend, otherwise they wouldn't have said "I'll always be there for you." If it were someone I wasn't close with, they would have just flat out said I was a slut. In any case, the fact that I consider this person somewhat close to me and they're calling me a name I know by all means that I absolutely am not, it really annoys me. I mean I'm sorry I fucking hooked up with the guy who's you're boyfriend now, but I didn't fucking know! I apologized, quite sincerely mind you, and everything ended up the way you wanted it to. So you know what, fuck you if you think I'm a slut. Seriously, go find a better friend if you really can't stand my "slutty" behavior.

I'm finally happy with the way things are in my life. But when one thing is a bit off, it annoys me. I just needed to get that out. Pent up anger is never good for the soul. Especially when you're trying your hardest to be happy.

I don't know what it is about him... I've felt like this before, but not to this extent. It's crazy. I have to tell you, I'm so...I don't know. I can't even find a word for it. As far as I search my memory bank, there isn't a single word in my vocabulary to do this feeling justice. I've already pretty much given my reasons for liking this guy the way I do, but part of me felt like it was aftershock of the night before. But today, it all felt the same. The same comfort and relaxation, the same butterflies and smiles, the same everything. And it just makes me wonder how I could have ever been content wanting what I did before? I'm not trying to bash anyone here, but its like I'm thinking about it all now and sometimes, yeah, I wasn't exactly treated with the repect I deserved for trying to fix things simply because he didn't want to talk about it and was tired of me. Sometimes I was ignored and talked about because he felt like being an asshole. Thinking about it really makes me angry. It really makes me angry. How could I have wanted all that back? I guess it just takes a good guy to show you that there are good guys out there. I mean I guess that isn't to say this one's not capable of everything C was, but right now I don't want to have to think of those things. Why bother myself with the what-ifs when things are absolutely amazing?

But I find myself thinking I really like him too much. It's been 3 days! 3 freaking days...and I'm already feeling like I've been dating him for months... I guess what they say is true: I do fall fast, and I do fall hard. But you know what? It works because he did too. And its not like with other boys who will tell you what you want to hear. With C, I kind of always felt like that's what it was. He meant it, but behind what he thought he meant, there was that incentive of "If I tell her I love her, maybe it'll validate me getting in her pants and I'll get some." With M, it's like things are different. I feel like I can believe him 100% because he's already had his fair share of experiences and is ready to settle down a bit, catch a breath of fresh air and relax a little. It's a place I've always been at, a place of comfort and peace. And every time I think of being with him or around him, a grand total of 12+ hours within the past few days, I feel like I reach that sanctuary. I feel safe and protected, soothed and calmed, like the world could shift and I wouldn't feel it. No one looks me in the eye the way I notice him do. No one's ever made me feel the way he makes me feel. I said it today, but it's like he makes me feel cute, like I'm the most adorable person, like in a movie. You know that whole picture you imagine in your head with the guy kissing the chick on the cheek with her smiling so broadly, chin tucked to her shoulder, kind of shrugging? Yeah...that's how I feel when he kisses my cheek. And when we're kissing, he makes me feel like the sexiest woman I've ever been. It's his attention to detail and the way he holds me. The way when I pull back, he lets me go only far enough to let me see his whole upper body, not just his face; but he doesn't let go so much that I feel myself falling out of his grip. The way he holds my hand and rubs his thumbs into my knuckle and makes his bone wobble...I know it sounds gross, but to me, it's like a comfort habit. The way he's always telling me I'm beautiful and already knows where my "torture spots" are. They way my lips feel soft and conditioned after having touched his.

God, I'd never be able to say this to him, although I know he'd appreciate this more than anyone I know. That's another thing I love... He's the only guy I know that would melt if someone said half these things to him. I'm one lucky ass bitch, I'll tell you that.

It's probably unwise to use names and details in this blog or any blogs pertaining to this person in the future considering the amount of traffic I get on this site from people I know. So I'll be discreet. After all, this blog has thrown me into more trouble by simply speaking my mind with details not meant for other eyes than I could possibly imagine. Now's the time to start learning from the mistakes of my past.

Anyway, so I met this guy and I really need to just talk about it. No names, no details...just the way he makes me feel. It's been so long since I've felt like this, honestly and truly, all the excitement and reality intertwining with each other and everything else... I don't know how to explain it perfectly. Let's go back to the whole "It's been so long since..." statement and let me elaborate. In my past, I've felt like this before: comfort and happiness beyond recognition, that whole 'cloud 9' feeling. I feel like I should be saying been-there-done-that. But somehow, this just...it's like an overwhelming sense of peace; it's like all is right in the world.

Part of the thing that attracts me to him is the fact that he knows what he wants and he wants what I do. Of course there are things apparent to the naked eye that would be obvious traits in someone anyone would want, like comfort and attraction, as well as an evident connection; but the one thing that got me most with him is that he's ready to find something real. He's looking for something steady that won't be gone in a year or two, someone to be there for him. He had even said that he'd already had his share of being with people for the wrong reason and now was just ready to be with someone that cared about him on the same level as he would care for them. How ironic is that? I mean seriously, it's like he took the words right off my blog entries.

I mean in reality, I know I should be thinking "What guy his age seriously wants to find a chick to settle down with?" But I just can't think of it like that. For some reason, something in his voice makes me believe everything he says. I guess maybe because I want to believe its all true. I don't want to be a skeptic here and close my mind off to a potentially amazing thing, but I have my own doubts in my mind from past experiences that have made me so.

But I have to think of it this way: I went through my heartache. There are girls who have yet to find a relationship with any substance, people who haven't even decided what it is they're looking for. Then there's me who's been hurt one too many times by the same arrow, only to decide that the poisonous spindle that's destined to prick my finger and put me in a permanent slumber isn't as ominous as it looks. And now after all that's been said and done, finally something good is happening, something real. This is something I can depend on, something I don't have to worry about. But quite frankly, people have made me feel bad for being relieved and using the term "Finally," to describe how consoled I am. Well you know what I have to say to them? I have a big Fuck You on a silver platter. You know why? Go through half the shit I went through with a guy that makes you feel like crap on a lot of the days (not that it was always like that) then you can roll your eyes at me. I think I deserve a little bit of happiness in my life through this facade I've learned to portray with ease. And to tell you the truth, this guy has given me more of that in two days than anyone has in the past three months.

For all I know, you could have the link to this. Whatever. You want to know what I think?
k.fine. I won't sugar coat.


I think you're stupid. I really think you are. I mean I understand, to be honest, because no one ever wants to listen to "the ex". Whatever. It was never my place to interfere and I told you that from the beginning. But of course, somehow I get blamed for telling you what I figured you should know, and more importantly, what you asked to know.
And yeah, I get it, you're good friends. You talk endlessly with each other and enjoy one another. I'm happy for you, really. I'm all for finding friends and keeping relationships despite distance, but really, you're just naive if you think a guy like him would stay true to you with you being hundreds of miles away.

The truth is that I see a lot of me when I think of you. Not to sound all cliche, but you are the embodiment of what I thought I'd be in high school. I don't know you, and really, I don't like giving my opinions on someone unless I know they are 100% true, but whatever. You've got this air about you that makes you seem like you enjoy everything in life, and that's fine and dandy. I mean I'm sure you do. What don't you have going for you, other than the fact that the guy you're interested in lives a whole state's length away from you? But like I said, you've got the naivity, and now I know I'm not one to speak about being naive (whether you may or may not know), it just seems to permeate through you. Maybe just because I only know you through this situation...

And you want to know something else? It bothered me that you 1) friend requested me, 2) proceeded to message me, 3) ended that message with a smiley face, and 4) dragged me into a completely unnecessary confrontation. I don't know what your motives were at the time, but knowing that girls are, like I said in one of my messages, bitches by nature, I can only assume you weren't about to leave me alone after complimenting me on how "great of a sabre" I am.

Seriously, can you really expect any less than all this? I would love to get past it already and just be civil, like I said; and there really is truth in that statement. But I can't stand that you imply I'm fake by "sugar coating" everything I say and apparently "covering up" the things I do. (wtf are you talking about...?) Yes true, I was the bitter ex when you messaged me. Yes true, I was set on hating you. But you know what, people change and so do opinions. I hope to resolve this soon. Quite frankly, this is the only annoying thing left in my life. I'd like it gone asap.

Back home. The season's over. My god, I can't believe it. It felt like just yesterday, we were getting ready for our December camps and breaking in new members, new flag silks, new blacks, etc. I just can't believe its all over. It's so hard to come back home and sit here and think "I'm never going to march with those same members ever again and we will never be what we just were." I'm never going to perform to that music again, wear that uniform for a show, step on that floor in competition. I'm going to miss it so much. I just don't know what to do with myself right now.

It was just a matter of time till the water works started flowing and the flood gates would open. I feel like I can't get myself to stop crying hysterically. In some ways, I'm glad the season's over. But for more reasons than not, I wish there was more than this sudden stop. It's like we build up and build up and there's this whole rush, an entire week devoted solely to color guard...and then just like that, it's done. The gyms are quiet without the sounds of stretch block or show music or equipment hitting the floor (haha), the floors gather dust as they sit and wait another 7 months to be pulled out again, our muscles tighten from not having stretched in weeks, equipment goes untouched for several days at a time.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I just won't have a life after guard's over. As much as I hate being in certain places, the truth is, I won't ever be forced to be around Carlos ever again. I won't be forced to listen to certain people bicker and argue about each other for extended periods of time. What am I going to do? As much as I hate these things, I can't imagine life without them... It's that same place I was at this time last year, the solemn depression, the lack of motivation, listelessness. I don't know. I have everything in the world to be happy for... A gold medal around my neck, a positive outlook on my personal life, stress-free days, summer around the corner...but somehow, it's not enough. I want the season back. I want the 4 hour rehearsals and the shows every weekend and the crazy show hair and make up. I want all the pulled muscles and jammed fingers, the bumps and bruises that look like tumors, the scraps and cuts, the torn arches, and disgusting guard feet.

But most of all...I want an excuse to have all of us act like one unit. I miss that closeness already, the feeling like we're connected on a higher level than just a color guard.

I thought she knew. I really did. I guess he's better at playing this game than I thought. I'm tired of him being the only thing I have to complain about in life. I'd much rather not have to write in here because life feels so stress-free, than have to rant and rave about the one person who confuses me most.

My mom said I'm too nice. I don't know why she says that. Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst person in the world. The things I think in my head are totally different from what I convey, and I think that makes me a two-faced person. I feel like I want everyone to like me so I do whatever I can to keep a clean image of myself to show others. But then there are those times that I truly believe that's who I am. The thing is though, with him, nothing has gone the way I predicted, and I've never been so confused in my life. I don't know who I am; I don't know what I want; I don't know up from down, left from right, backwards from forward. Everything's a mess and I don't know how to fix it all. Mom says turn the other cheek; she says completely ignore him. But the truth is that I really don't want to. I do because it kills me to be aware of his presense, but I don't because it kills me to be hostile toward him. Afterall, at one point in my life, I was completely in love with this kid. But it's like that song says: What're we supposed to do after all that we've been through; when everything that felt so right is wrong; after the love is gone?

Maybe I should just go back to my original plan of thought. Leave this alone till after WGI. Thanks to last night, I've already witnessed what thinking about this can do to my performance and how it can affect my "job". I think it's best that I just leave it behind me till later. Hopefully by then, all this won't matter and everything will pan out by themselves.

Ok, so today I've just been in a totally agitated mood. Dance class, I was totally fine. I was laughing, having a jolly good ole time, working up a sweat, swinging my hair, letting the dancer in me free (wooo for overexaggeration :D). And then he said something that bothered me. Something totally unnecessary and completely uncalled for, then proceeds by saying "Well, it was unnecessary for you to say half the things you said on your blog." Maybe it wasn't that exactly, but that was the gist. Way to add fuel to the fire, idiot. Good job. I really don't think it bothers him as much as he lets on, but seriously. I wrote it two and a half weeks ago. And besides that, how could he possibly blame me for harboring those feelings for even a little while! 98U398GHOIWENFP2OJT093UJ4T

God! Shit like this has been bothering me these past couple days. I get that I usually do things a certain way. I listen and do as I'm told, I can't hate anyone sincerely and want them to die, I can't even say it, let alone truly want and believe it. So shoot me if I have a momentary lapse! Sue me if for one second of my life I want to believe I can do something and be like everyone else! I'm sorry I just don't feel like being the goody-two-shoes everyone sees me as being, or rather, the girl I'm seeing myself as being more and more. Maybe the reason all this is happening is because I'm not satisfied with the person I am; not being adventurous; not being more fun; not being more outrageous. I've always wanted to be the life of the party, but I've also always been too shy to be. I don't know, but maybe the fact of the matter is I'm just starting not to care anymore. I hate to say it, but I've gotten to the point where I just want to say FUCK YOU ALL. I don't even know why, either. It's not that I don't care about the people I'm affecting, it's just that I feel like no one cares enough about me for me to give two shits about what the fuck happens to them.

I think half the problem is I'm having trouble determining who I am. It's different from a couple blogs ago when I said I've always known who I was. I should have said it differently. I've always had a strong sense of self. I've always been the person who knew where she was going to go, what plans to get me there, even if I didn't know how. But now, I just don't understand the person I am. I was driving home tonight thinking about it and to be honest, I really just don't know who it is I'm becoming. Am I assertive? Am I rebellious? Am I innocent? Am I dramatic? Who the fuck am I? It pisses me off that I just don't get it. I hate questioning myself, but that's all I can seem to do. I don't know...maybe it'll be a bit easier once all the guard stress is gone. Maybe.

I'm so proud of myself. I really am. As far as these past few days at rehearsal have been, I've finally gotten complimented from Mr. B about my performance. "Blalack, you look exceptional." Yay! And on top of that, I've noticed myself becoming much more consistent. I didn't even realize it till after prelims in Tampa this past weekend, but since...Everglades, really, I've been having really good shows. Ok, maybe not that early on, but a couple shows back. For a while, my one vice had been my stupid three turn solo that I always caught on a half, but lately, I've been controlling it waaaay more. A lot of my catches now are either tape or really damn close and I perform the shit out of everything. I'm really proud of myself. For a while, I was always trying to figure it out, really nervous and always holding back from my full potential. But now I finally have that confidence I've been searching for to fully do my part, making sure everything I do is totallly maxed out.

Outside of all the guard stuff, or really not outside it, the season's actually coming to a close soon. We have a week and a half left. Seriously, in a week from right at this moment, it'll be lights out at the hotel for Prelims the next day. woijf390u2ijoi3r2 How freaking exciting is that?? But at the same time, it's so nerve-wracking. I was reading the schedule for the week of Dayton and seriously, all these memories from last year keep filling my mind. Good memories. Not the shitty ones I usually associate with that week. But the happy memories of performing and walking around the arena, getting stopped and admired; memories of hanging out by the pool and in the rooms; meeting fun people, all that jazz. I can't wait to make memories of this year. Of our performance; our last after-the-show huddle; awards and WGI confetti; new friends, old friends; funny stories and new songs. My god, I'm so excited.

Now I'm just ranting and rambling...lol I just needed to get all that out. :))))))))