Applause for the Wallflower

I have tried for a very long time to get exactly what it is out about C that I want to say. I tried last night on the phone with M. Stupid. He's the last person that wants to hear what I have to say about him. I love him to death, but I know it makes him question the validity of my statements when I talk about him. But the truth is when this all happened, I was so tired of talking, I just kept my mouth shut. And now that time has passed, I just want to get it all off my chest. The weird thing is though, no matter how many times I talk about it, think about it, say it...it'll never be enough. It's one of those subjects you could rant on for hours and hours, repeating the same things over and over, but still continue to pull out emotions from every crevice of your body to convey how you feel about it. Yeah, it's definitely like that. But I'll get on with what I have to say.

I've said it before, but I don't think I'll ever be capable of hating C. I don't know why that is, especially after everything he's put me through. These days, it's gotten past the point where I continue to consider how he feels and the reason he acts the way he does. He will eternally baffle me. I guess I just stopped trying to ask myself why he does what he does; I guess I just stopped wanted to hurt myself. I think we all get to that point in a relationship with someone, whether romantic, platonic, or niether, where we evaluate whether their opinion of you is something to take into consideration while formulating the person you are. For so long, I had it trained in my mind that his opinion of me was of the utmost importance, but these days, I don't see it that way.

The truth is I love the person I am. Sure, I'm flawed, but so is everyone else. The fact of the matter is that I've always strived and prided myself in being the "perfect catch" for any guy. What I hated was the fact that I practically threw myself at him, degraded and belittled myself, when all along, he strung me along like I was important. Of course half of it was because I didn't want to let go, but of course I felt that way because he had put it in my mind that eventually, things between us would get better. I know now that that was just a sorry excuse to keep me tied to him while refrained from accepting full responsibility of anything I said or did. But back then, I wanted in my heart to believe him because I didn't want my routine to change. But I guess you can't change the past.

I look at all the new memories he's making now with MT. I can honestly say I'm happy for him...for her as well. From the stories I've heard, I can't imagine any two people more perfectly suited for each other besides me and M. I guess maybe that's what he's always needed; someone who's truly a child at heart, to laugh and joke around with; someone who won't care when he looks at other girls or won't be bothered by the numerous sexual jokes he makes with everyone; someone who can listen to his stories and believe every word of exaggeration; someone who truly believe's he's without a doubt, the most amazing person she's ever met. Thank god I got out of that mind set. I have much more respect and dignity for myself. And yeah, you could sit there and tell me that now that he's with you, he doesn't do shit that like because he respects you. All I have to say to that is HAHAHA, you're fuckin' funny. You know your lips haven't been the only ones he's touched. Yeah, it was once. But once is enough. Especially for someone with such a terrible track-record.

In any case, I must admit I kind of dislike the way things have boiled down. It's weird passing him by in the halls, knowing his presense is there, but trying not to look. I don't long to be with him or talk to him like I used to. I don't wish I still fell asleep to his voice. I just wish he would treat me with the same respect I give him. I don't hate him, I don't love him. He doesn't have to do either of those things for me. For god's sake, he doesn't even have to fucking like me! I just wish he'd stop the shit talking every time I walk around a corner.

But whatever. I'm tired. This subject exhausts me. I think I'll take a nap.