Applause for the Wallflower

These days I've gotten so used to thinking everyone's got a bad thought about me, I've become almost calloused to those feelings--the hurt feelings, being upset, loneliness. It's almost like I've lost all awareness for things of that nature just because I know if I paid attention to all of it, I'd be in an perpetual state of depression. I've tried to be so nonchalant about it all for a while now, but it's gotten to the point where I wonder how much more I can take before it all starts to break me down.

It all started with that stupid truth box. I knew people had a couple issues with me. I mean hey, no one's perfect. But I'd never known so many people had so many issues. It's kind of hard to face, to be honest, because I try so hard to see the good in everyone. I don't act like it sometimes and I may not be the most mature of people all the time, but I have a firm grasp on my life. But all of this--everything they say--it unsettles me. How much of myself does everyone see that I don't? To be honest, when someone refers to certain things in their entry to me, more than half the time, I have no idea what they're they're taking about. Like this one: i think you over react too much i think you have some growing up to do and i hope you do it before winterguard starts because we dont need that attitude as a captain on our team. i think you are capable of it, you just have to realize it yourself. i think you know what im talking about. and i think you didnt give her a good enough chance :/

Quite frankly, I don't think I overreact much at all. I mean I must admit, I get a little bitchy from time to time, but so does everyone else. But the last part. "I think you didn't get her a good enough chance." What does that mean? I'm thinking back to everything I might have said about any of the girls on the guard that might thwart her ability to do something, but I can't think of a particular moment. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe it's bad that I can't remember the moments I put someone down. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it just means to me that I didn't mean for it to come off in whatever way someone else thought it to, leaving me with a guilt-free conscience, enabling me to forget about it.

In addition to that message, I've gotten various about my feelings and actions surrounding a certain idiot to which I doubt even deserves the respect of being mentioned on here as someone I "can't hate." A couple from his cronies about how I've got no right to have an opinion that's, what was it? Unsupported and unjustified, I think it was. All I can say to that, as I haven't addressed it since I received them in my inbox the day they were posted, is that she was right. World class performers and A class performers are of two different standards; the mature and the children. Stick up for your best friend because I'd do the same. But sweetie, knowing your reading my blog only confirms that you're looking for trouble. I don't force myself into their lives by surfing the net to read the latest gossip on their relationship; I don't ask questions day in and day out about how they're doing. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less. So you can paint a picture of me to all your friends in your sector of the universe by which you indeed are apart of (that you made obvious by posting a subsequent response to on my truthbox like gossip enraged 5th grader), but honestly, I don't give a flying fuck.

But something else has been eating away at me these days, too. It's a month to the date that Myles and I really first started to get to know each other. Just one month. It's funny how long it's seemed, and yet time keeps telling us different. You know when you just know something's right? That's how I feel with him. I know either people think of this as another sorry rebound (lord know that's probably what the unnamed may think), or that I'm just trying to make this work for the sake of looking happy in the unnamed's presense. Maybe some people think I'm totally nonchalant about it, or maybe that I'm falling in way too fast. But I want to go on record tonight and tell it from where I sit. I guess it would just make me feel better.

A month ago, I was getting back in the game. I was flirting and having fun, reacquainting myself with old friends, making new connections, getting new numbers ;) lol. A month ago, I got a message on MySpace from some random guy I'd never seen in my life, or thought I'd never seen before. A month ago, I realized this guy was a band tech that I'd seen around the school and thought was kind of cute. One month ago, I gave this guy my number. The first thought in my head was "Jeeesuuuss. This kid's 20 years old. What the fuck is he doing talking to a 16 year old?" My next thought was "Let's see what he says." That night, I fell asleep with a planned lunch the next day. The next day came and I found myself unsettled with nerves. I didn't even have a genuine interest in him prior to him messaging me, so I had no idea as to why I had been so nervous to go out to lunch with him. We ordered our food, talked a bit, waited for our food to come, ate, and then found ourselves still sitting at the same table 6 hours after we'd met, not running out of a single thing to talk about.

It's all kind of funny how those 6 hours turned out to be; funny how they've brought me to this point. I can truly and honestly, straight-faced and in all seriousness tell you that I love this single person more than I think I've cared for anyone else. It wasn't always this way, though. I think I kind of avoided telling in that for a while, but I always kind of figured he must have known. How backwards is it that I'm complaining about being found someone too perfect when there are people out there searching high and low for someone that meets at least one requirement. Myles, not M, meets every standard I've set; and this time, I don't have to eliminate certain criteria just to make sure he meets it. In my previous experience, I thought I was so in love, I overlooked a lot of terrible qualities. Inevitably, if I hadn't have neglected those few key elements to his personality, I could have saved myself valuable time and the sadness the heartbreak induced. However, in a way it helped me see that I was still worth more than I had given myself credit for. But either way, it made me more cautious about entering another relationship. And this is the part where I say I've given myself every reason not to love Myles. I've told myself opinion after opinion, lie upon lie, but nothing works. No matter what, I always end up reminding myself that everything I say isn't true and that even if it were, *insert some counter response*.

But I worry about this. Myles makes me the happiest I've ever been. He's given me a dose of freedom in a world I've started to feel was closing me in and condemning me for some crime I've yet to do. There's absolutely nothing wrong in my relationship with him whatsoever because there couldn't be anything more perfect. But when I don't have him to offset the effects of everyone else around me, I go into this really unhealthy and perpetually unstable depression. This is exactly what I worked so hard to prevent during my time being single. This is exactly what my mom warned me about. I'm capable of being happy on my own. I can be independent and I can depend on myself. I don't need anyone, especially a guy to provide me with that. So why am I here again? Why have I fallen into this state of undeniable numbness? I couldn't bear losing him or letting him go. But sometimes I wonder if that's the only thing that will get me functioning like I should. In the end, I don't have the balls to break up with him. But like I said, what's more important--a healthy relationship, or a healthy soul?