Applause for the Wallflower

So we're in the library at school because our air conditioning is broken in the building. It sucks, but whatever... I'm not complaining; I have access to the internet and free time while the seniors take their final.

I can't believe it's the seniors' last day of school. At about 10:45 this morning, almost an hour from this moment, I'm going to officially be an Upperclassman. It's funny that the year I'm going into now is the year I met all the graduating seniors at...where they were when I was a freshman. That was only last year, but that's exactly my point. Their "only last year" is going to be my "next year." And in one year, my now "next year" is going to be my "only last year." Does that even make sense? Well it does in my head. I feel like it all goes by so quickly. The realization that I'm finally about to start the last half of my battle out of here.

But on the same hand, this time here can't go by any slower. I was talking to Winona about it yesterday, but the fact that the two of us are dating people either graduating or already out of high school makes us feel like we should be at the same place as them in our lives...but the fact of the matter is that we're not. We're still stuck here at humble old Flanagan High School. It's like we should be moving on with our lives, not getting ready to go to our next-to-pointless English II Honors class for third period.

In any case, tomorrow I'll wake up at 6 o'clock in the morning. I'll get out of bed and take my shower. I'll get dressed and comb my hair. I'll ready my bag for school and walk down the stairs. I'll eat breakfast and watch some TV before I leave. I'll walk out the door and get in the car, and then I'll get to school and continue with my every day schedule. 8 more days and counting.

So new subject. We have our second to last icebreaker today. I'm kind of excited to tell you the truth. It's the first icebreaker we're having since they announced the new leadership for the guard, so I'm wondering whether they mention it our not...not that it matters. I'm just excited to finally be at the front of stretch block, especially at the beginning of the year. I don't have to look through every nook and cranny to watch the choreography Matt teaches :) lol

Next year's going to be interesting. Especially with a certain someone coming back to tech the flags. We'll see how it goes.

These days I've gotten so used to thinking everyone's got a bad thought about me, I've become almost calloused to those feelings--the hurt feelings, being upset, loneliness. It's almost like I've lost all awareness for things of that nature just because I know if I paid attention to all of it, I'd be in an perpetual state of depression. I've tried to be so nonchalant about it all for a while now, but it's gotten to the point where I wonder how much more I can take before it all starts to break me down.

It all started with that stupid truth box. I knew people had a couple issues with me. I mean hey, no one's perfect. But I'd never known so many people had so many issues. It's kind of hard to face, to be honest, because I try so hard to see the good in everyone. I don't act like it sometimes and I may not be the most mature of people all the time, but I have a firm grasp on my life. But all of this--everything they say--it unsettles me. How much of myself does everyone see that I don't? To be honest, when someone refers to certain things in their entry to me, more than half the time, I have no idea what they're they're taking about. Like this one: i think you over react too much i think you have some growing up to do and i hope you do it before winterguard starts because we dont need that attitude as a captain on our team. i think you are capable of it, you just have to realize it yourself. i think you know what im talking about. and i think you didnt give her a good enough chance :/

Quite frankly, I don't think I overreact much at all. I mean I must admit, I get a little bitchy from time to time, but so does everyone else. But the last part. "I think you didn't get her a good enough chance." What does that mean? I'm thinking back to everything I might have said about any of the girls on the guard that might thwart her ability to do something, but I can't think of a particular moment. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe it's bad that I can't remember the moments I put someone down. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it just means to me that I didn't mean for it to come off in whatever way someone else thought it to, leaving me with a guilt-free conscience, enabling me to forget about it.

In addition to that message, I've gotten various about my feelings and actions surrounding a certain idiot to which I doubt even deserves the respect of being mentioned on here as someone I "can't hate." A couple from his cronies about how I've got no right to have an opinion that's, what was it? Unsupported and unjustified, I think it was. All I can say to that, as I haven't addressed it since I received them in my inbox the day they were posted, is that she was right. World class performers and A class performers are of two different standards; the mature and the children. Stick up for your best friend because I'd do the same. But sweetie, knowing your reading my blog only confirms that you're looking for trouble. I don't force myself into their lives by surfing the net to read the latest gossip on their relationship; I don't ask questions day in and day out about how they're doing. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less. So you can paint a picture of me to all your friends in your sector of the universe by which you indeed are apart of (that you made obvious by posting a subsequent response to on my truthbox like gossip enraged 5th grader), but honestly, I don't give a flying fuck.

But something else has been eating away at me these days, too. It's a month to the date that Myles and I really first started to get to know each other. Just one month. It's funny how long it's seemed, and yet time keeps telling us different. You know when you just know something's right? That's how I feel with him. I know either people think of this as another sorry rebound (lord know that's probably what the unnamed may think), or that I'm just trying to make this work for the sake of looking happy in the unnamed's presense. Maybe some people think I'm totally nonchalant about it, or maybe that I'm falling in way too fast. But I want to go on record tonight and tell it from where I sit. I guess it would just make me feel better.

A month ago, I was getting back in the game. I was flirting and having fun, reacquainting myself with old friends, making new connections, getting new numbers ;) lol. A month ago, I got a message on MySpace from some random guy I'd never seen in my life, or thought I'd never seen before. A month ago, I realized this guy was a band tech that I'd seen around the school and thought was kind of cute. One month ago, I gave this guy my number. The first thought in my head was "Jeeesuuuss. This kid's 20 years old. What the fuck is he doing talking to a 16 year old?" My next thought was "Let's see what he says." That night, I fell asleep with a planned lunch the next day. The next day came and I found myself unsettled with nerves. I didn't even have a genuine interest in him prior to him messaging me, so I had no idea as to why I had been so nervous to go out to lunch with him. We ordered our food, talked a bit, waited for our food to come, ate, and then found ourselves still sitting at the same table 6 hours after we'd met, not running out of a single thing to talk about.

It's all kind of funny how those 6 hours turned out to be; funny how they've brought me to this point. I can truly and honestly, straight-faced and in all seriousness tell you that I love this single person more than I think I've cared for anyone else. It wasn't always this way, though. I think I kind of avoided telling in that for a while, but I always kind of figured he must have known. How backwards is it that I'm complaining about being found someone too perfect when there are people out there searching high and low for someone that meets at least one requirement. Myles, not M, meets every standard I've set; and this time, I don't have to eliminate certain criteria just to make sure he meets it. In my previous experience, I thought I was so in love, I overlooked a lot of terrible qualities. Inevitably, if I hadn't have neglected those few key elements to his personality, I could have saved myself valuable time and the sadness the heartbreak induced. However, in a way it helped me see that I was still worth more than I had given myself credit for. But either way, it made me more cautious about entering another relationship. And this is the part where I say I've given myself every reason not to love Myles. I've told myself opinion after opinion, lie upon lie, but nothing works. No matter what, I always end up reminding myself that everything I say isn't true and that even if it were, *insert some counter response*.

But I worry about this. Myles makes me the happiest I've ever been. He's given me a dose of freedom in a world I've started to feel was closing me in and condemning me for some crime I've yet to do. There's absolutely nothing wrong in my relationship with him whatsoever because there couldn't be anything more perfect. But when I don't have him to offset the effects of everyone else around me, I go into this really unhealthy and perpetually unstable depression. This is exactly what I worked so hard to prevent during my time being single. This is exactly what my mom warned me about. I'm capable of being happy on my own. I can be independent and I can depend on myself. I don't need anyone, especially a guy to provide me with that. So why am I here again? Why have I fallen into this state of undeniable numbness? I couldn't bear losing him or letting him go. But sometimes I wonder if that's the only thing that will get me functioning like I should. In the end, I don't have the balls to break up with him. But like I said, what's more important--a healthy relationship, or a healthy soul?

I have tried for a very long time to get exactly what it is out about C that I want to say. I tried last night on the phone with M. Stupid. He's the last person that wants to hear what I have to say about him. I love him to death, but I know it makes him question the validity of my statements when I talk about him. But the truth is when this all happened, I was so tired of talking, I just kept my mouth shut. And now that time has passed, I just want to get it all off my chest. The weird thing is though, no matter how many times I talk about it, think about it, say it...it'll never be enough. It's one of those subjects you could rant on for hours and hours, repeating the same things over and over, but still continue to pull out emotions from every crevice of your body to convey how you feel about it. Yeah, it's definitely like that. But I'll get on with what I have to say.

I've said it before, but I don't think I'll ever be capable of hating C. I don't know why that is, especially after everything he's put me through. These days, it's gotten past the point where I continue to consider how he feels and the reason he acts the way he does. He will eternally baffle me. I guess I just stopped trying to ask myself why he does what he does; I guess I just stopped wanted to hurt myself. I think we all get to that point in a relationship with someone, whether romantic, platonic, or niether, where we evaluate whether their opinion of you is something to take into consideration while formulating the person you are. For so long, I had it trained in my mind that his opinion of me was of the utmost importance, but these days, I don't see it that way.

The truth is I love the person I am. Sure, I'm flawed, but so is everyone else. The fact of the matter is that I've always strived and prided myself in being the "perfect catch" for any guy. What I hated was the fact that I practically threw myself at him, degraded and belittled myself, when all along, he strung me along like I was important. Of course half of it was because I didn't want to let go, but of course I felt that way because he had put it in my mind that eventually, things between us would get better. I know now that that was just a sorry excuse to keep me tied to him while refrained from accepting full responsibility of anything I said or did. But back then, I wanted in my heart to believe him because I didn't want my routine to change. But I guess you can't change the past.

I look at all the new memories he's making now with MT. I can honestly say I'm happy for him...for her as well. From the stories I've heard, I can't imagine any two people more perfectly suited for each other besides me and M. I guess maybe that's what he's always needed; someone who's truly a child at heart, to laugh and joke around with; someone who won't care when he looks at other girls or won't be bothered by the numerous sexual jokes he makes with everyone; someone who can listen to his stories and believe every word of exaggeration; someone who truly believe's he's without a doubt, the most amazing person she's ever met. Thank god I got out of that mind set. I have much more respect and dignity for myself. And yeah, you could sit there and tell me that now that he's with you, he doesn't do shit that like because he respects you. All I have to say to that is HAHAHA, you're fuckin' funny. You know your lips haven't been the only ones he's touched. Yeah, it was once. But once is enough. Especially for someone with such a terrible track-record.

In any case, I must admit I kind of dislike the way things have boiled down. It's weird passing him by in the halls, knowing his presense is there, but trying not to look. I don't long to be with him or talk to him like I used to. I don't wish I still fell asleep to his voice. I just wish he would treat me with the same respect I give him. I don't hate him, I don't love him. He doesn't have to do either of those things for me. For god's sake, he doesn't even have to fucking like me! I just wish he'd stop the shit talking every time I walk around a corner.

But whatever. I'm tired. This subject exhausts me. I think I'll take a nap.

It's inevitable I'll see his face every once in a while during my frequent visits to myspace and facebook. And it's inevitable that I'll see the pictures he has of them together, happy and smiling. But the difference between now and then is that when I look at them now, I feel different than I would have a year ago.

I wonder what it was...what caused this change? Was I just tired of being treated like shit? Was I ready, subconsciously, for it? Or was it circumstances that led me to this? Was it M? I got a text last night from CD telling me she thought it was cute, the two of us. Is the whole aura surrounding the two of us making me feel the way I do? What makes me feel this way...

It's funny how every morning, I wake up and I have to remember that I'm not in a dream. There have actually been nights where I'll wake myself up in the middle of a dream to remind myself that life is much better now than what's being played in my head. I must admit, I never once thought that that sort of happiness could ever be attained, especially for me.

So I look at all these pictures of the two of them together. I can't sit here and hate him. It doesn't matter how much I've said, how much he's said to me...there will never be a bone in my body capable of hating that kid. Now, I'm simply indifferent to his decisions. I must admit, I feel a bit of sympathy for her being linked to such a dim-witted egotistical moron, but somehow, I think they suit each other nicely...

And that just makes me think of all the ways M is perfect for me and how I'm perfect for him. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. He makes me feel like there's no other girl in the world but me. I forget everything when I'm with him. Staring into his eyes is like falling into an ocean. I know, I know...it sounds really cheesy. But I can't help but feel the way I do. Like I'm immersed in happiness and love each time I spend a minute with him. And aside from the personal aspects of the way I'm totally satisfied, he makes me feel beautiful. When he can't take his eyes and hands off me; when I catch him mid-stare without him knowing I'm looking; when he tells me I'm beautiful... I'm a confident person, but it's always nice to know someone appreciates your beauty. I don't know if I've ever truly been this in love before. I could say I have, but I don't think it was ever this effortless. I didn't have to try to fall in love with M; it just happened. And I thank the Universe for answering me the one down-trodden day when all I asked for was my gold medal and the perfect man. Just like the Secret says, with a time delay, the Universe gave me everything I wanted... It's all about the timing.

It's like seeing light for the first time. I don't know how else to explain how last night went for me. I keep trying to go back to the feeling, but it's like every time I try to remember how he structured and outlined my every emotion, nothing quite compares to the way he painted it.

It was scary seeing it all in front of me. With every word he spoke, it made it more and more obvious that this one actually cares. I keep going back to it, but it's all I can think to compare it to in my head. There was always that little voice before that told me "This one isn't it, Kristina. Keep looking." But this voice...this voice is different. When he held me so close, stared so strongly and intensely into my eyes, and read every thought from my eyes, he melted my heart; the voice in my head went silent and had nothing to say. Everything he said to me about what I was thinking, without speaking a single word, he read off my face as if I had cue cards telling him word-for-word what was running through my mind. It freaked me out. I couldn't believe, and honestly am still a little miffed by it, that in the two weeks we've been seeing each other, he's actually cared enough and taken the time out to analyze me and what I do, instead of the other way around. I know it sounds bad, but about a year ago, I stopped analyzing people. I guess in a way, it took up too much of my mental capacity and strength and it was so hard to figure everyone out, especially if no one would put in the effort to really understand me the way I wanted to understand them. So when I realized no one really cared, I stopped. But now I know I have someone that cares, someone that wants to be with me because he knows everything about me; things I didn't even know about myself. And to say that isn't just a statement. He really told me things last night that I had no idea I did. Things like second-guessing myself. I had no idea that subconsciously, I continuously second-guess every decision I make before realizing it's ok to push forward. He told me things about the way I look and how my eyes always show my emotion, how he can read me just by looking into them. It sounds so corny and stupid when I type it out, but I guess you had to be there.

It just all made it so apparent that finally, someone cares about me; someone is willing to give me what I feel I deserve. After so long of giving and giving and giving and never expecting to be returned the favor, finally I have someone that wants to provide for me. He wants to care for me and love me and please me. It's not just a one-way street anymore, and he's taught me that it's ok to let my guard down sometimes...to let the walls fall a little. And I'm learning that I don't have to distrust him. As much as I am a trusting person, I feel like sometimes it's a facade. I trust, but only half-way, with only have my heart. To allow him to take me fully without a fight is something really scary and completely abnormal of me. But never have I been so sure that my heart completely belongs to someone as yesterday, and as of now. Thank god.

I go through this every few months. I write in this blog, my MySpace blog, and my Facebook notes for me. Not for anyone else. Me. I write my thoughts as they come from my mind, uncut and unrevised. They are what they are and I refuse to edit myself just because someone wants to pry into my life. I really don't mind that people read what I have to say about my life (an important thing to remember that it is my life), the people in it, and the drama that occurs. What I do mind is when they think I should censor my thoughts because they don't live the same lifestyle or because I've said something that upsets them. If you don't want to know what I have to say, then don't read what I've got to write. My self-expression is my form of mental therapy. If you can't respect that, how could I possibly have any respect for you?

I hate saying that..."it's funny." Because really, it's not. I've been dying to get this out to someone, but the only person who'll really listen won't want to know. Totally understandable.

But god, he just gets on my LAST NERVE. I don't even know how to explain it. What have I done? Really, the only thing I can think of is the whole Lee thing which, sorry kiddo, happened 6-7 months ago. Seriously, I've ignored him for the past week or two. Just flat out ignored his ass because that's what he told me to do. Ok, fine. That's what you want, that's what you'll get, no problem. But if you ask that request of me, make sure you're fucking doing your part to. I don't even know what to do to calm my nerves right now. This all just happened right after I decided I was going to write a blog about something else...lovely. Now I can't even get out what I was trying to say before hand because now I'm pissed as fuck. Shit man. I just have to cool off. Fuck.

So finally he's met someone of importance to me in my life. And I met two of the most important people in his life. I finally feel like this relationship is going somewhere. Well, I can't really say that. I knew it was going to go somewhere when I first initially met him, but now I just don't feel like I have to hide it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons he didn't want me talking to people about him was because just in the off chance that things didn't work out, he wouldn't have that negative connotation back at the school. If that was the case, I couldn't blame him. But now I know. I don't even know if I can really explain to him how happy it makes me that Winona likes him so much. I really don't think I could possibly because to tell him. I know back when I was dating C, she liked him and told me she did just for my sake. I can't blame her for that. I probably would do the same for her. But just that she like M, genuinely and truly... That makes me so...happy. It sounds like it's not descriptive enough, happy, but that's all the explanation is needs. Now I won't feel bad splitting time between the two of them, pairing up on dates, etc. Thinking about it, if we had tried this with either of our ex-boyfriends, shit wouldn't fly. Nooope. Her ex doesn't like C, and I don't think he really realized it...of course not, because he's blatantly oblivious to people who don't like him. But that isn't the point. The point is it wouldn't have been so comfortable. With M, it was just a MAJOR sigh of relief. MAAAJOR. I could go on for hours, but for the sake of not repeating myself, I'll move on to the next topic on my agenda.

Similarly, I met one of M's best friends, Christina, and his cousin, Ross. To be totally honest, I wish I had been a bit more outgoing, a bit more like myself, but what can you do? The good news is that both of them liked me. That's another huge sigh of relief, but as M referred to it, there's still the lion's den to look forward to.

So onto the juicy stuff... Things have been "heating" up, to say the least (and I know he's been dying to read something on here about this, so to appease your desire, my love, here it is). He says that he's ok with waiting to finish out the remainder of what we have left, which is not much, if you catch my flow. Thinking back on it, I never would have felt this way with C (and I know I mention him a lot, it's just that I have no other real experience to compare it to, so shoot me). Like with him, it would have been done already. We would have given into temptation and said "Fuck this, I'm doing it." But the way M put it was we have the rest of our lives to get caught up with that. I never really realized it till this afternoon, but he's right. Why get caught up in the mess and tangled webs it can create when everything right now is so perfect? Let's enjoy every possible moment of this as we can until we're absolutely ready to let go, until we're both absolutely certain that that's what we both want for the right reasons. I mean it's easy to say you love someone, but when you're in that intimate of a situation, body language and movement are what conveys the message. That's what I love so much about him. He understands that. He gets that it's easy to vocalize the words, but it's not as easy to show someone you mean it. I'm still trying to figure it out myself, to be totally honest. But all I know is that when the moment's right, I'll know it. And when it comes, I'll be prepared. He makes me feel the most comfortable, bad bits and all, and he makes me feel the safest I've ever felt in my life (the whole military thing is a definite plus, too). It's just an amazing bonus that on top of how wonderful he makes me feel, he's just as understanding to the big picture we don't always see, obstructed by heat-of-the-moment passion and impromptu planning. God, I can't imagine ever fucking this up. It's like a fool-proof plan to happiness. Thank god for it, too. I need something in my life I can't fuck up for once...

So really the only reason this blog is called Supergirl is because I think I want to dedicate it to a girl who has this song on her myspace.

It's funny because I look at her and see a lot of myself back when I was in middle school; being so certain of who I am, friends with trends and loud mouths, the drama, the fun. It may seem a bit condescending for me to say that considering I'm only two years old than she is, but it's amazing to me, still, how much I've changed from the person I see in her. I read a blog of hers today about how her friends, and I can only assume this, don't like the fact that she's always hanging around guard chicks. God, do I know how that feels. It's almost as if it was one of those moments where you read it, think to yourself, smile a bit, and shake your head reminiscing about everything that's ever happened between old friends and new. Sometimes I consider her lucky for being able to be done with all the drama before she even gets into high school. I mean freshman year for me was pretty much the worst experience of my life. Although, I can say I appreciate it for what experience I can now say I've had, the emotional turmoil it sent me through was definitely something I could have lived without while learning to transition to the "big lake" from the "little pond" just down the street. I guess in some ways its kind of what makes high school what it is, but you get where I'm going.

But my god, thinking back... I can't believe all that's happened already in two short years. I'd fought so hard in middle school to forge as many friendships as I could, only to lose them all. But in the end, I think the best part was that in losing touch with every single one of my friends, the true ones came right back. I could never thank them enough for that.

So to Tori. I hope you see that as awful as friends may sometimes be, the real ones stick with you through thick and thin. As cliche as that sounds, I'd never experienced anything before high school that tested that theory. You're an intelligent girl with a strong head on your shoulders. Brush the bad off your shoulders and concentrate on the things that make you happy. In due time, all will be right in the world; trying to be Supergirl can only do you good for so long, and just like the song says, you're going to wonder who'll be there to save you. Well you know who that person is? It's yourself. And the people who REALLY matter.