Applause for the Wallflower

It's not my place to be that person for him. I just have to keep reminding myself of that because if I forget for one moment, I know what I'll do. I've always been that kind of person though, the type that wants to fix everything for everyone, whether its a feasible task or not. But it's just messages like that... It makes me want to fix everything for him. It makes me want to be the person he can trust enough to care about. It's not my place, but knowing he doesn't have that makes me want to. I guess I've just got to respect his wishes and step away. I know that it's within the best interest of everyone that we stop communication like we have been for the past couple weeks.

So yesterday I wrote a journal entry on my MySpace about Carlos. Or rather, directed to him. It was really something I'd never had said unless I was in the mood, fiesty enough to talk about it, pissed enough to scrounge up the anger, and sad enough to realize I was totally and completely made a fool of then and still. I think I've gone off about it maybe once before, but never to him, never directed toward the one person who made me feel this way. So for once, I let go of the anger I had bottled up and basically released a giant "Fuck you," to him. It bothered me a little that I got a truth box comment from someone telling me I had stooped to his level. I have "whatever"'d it for so long, I think I'm allowed my one bit of retaliation. Quite frankly, I'm not sorry that I decided that I wanted to bitch him out that way, and I'm not sorry that I decided to do it at all. I've never been the person to be totally and completely honest with my feelings about him, so when I do open up about it, I don't want to hear someone tell me I'm wrong for it. I have not stooped down to his level. On the contrary, I may have sounded like a child, not necessarily wishing him harm, but not wishing him well either, but my one time in comparison to his many, I think I come out on top. Comments like that from people who think they know really bug me. If it was you who left that message and you're reading this now, I want you to know that you don't know jack shit about me, my life, what's happened between me and him, my anger and agression toward him, and my current circumstances, nor do I know anything about you. Just because you read a bit of my anger or you enjoy reading my blogs because you think it gives you some intimate connection with me, doesn't mean you really understand everything that's happened, everything I've been through. I write what I choose to write; sometimes you get the full story, most of the time you don't. So just because you read about me doesn't mean you know me, and that does not give you the right to categorize the things I do as "low". Who are you to say you understand, anyway?