Applause for the Wallflower

I sit here and I realize how long its been since I genuinely had an interest in a boy still attending high school. It sounds so condescending seeing as Myles and I have only been dating, what, two months? But I mean an honest to god interest where I could see myself being in a relationship with and really liking...which was over a year ago now. Its funny how I completely forgot how fickle high school students are in relationships. I'm still like that with Myles sometimes, but I don't think as much as when we first started dating. I'd like to say I've become a more decisive person since then. I mean I rarely second-guess myself these days. I guess maybe that's what I always hated about being in relationships with people like Carlos and Anthony and all my other exs. I hated never really knowing what they felt about me. It was always so hot and cold.

The text was so out of the blue. I hadn't even thought of him in...god, a week? Hadn't even crossed my mind, and then I get a text from him he didn't even mean to send to me. By accident. Like serendipity. Except I'm thinking it probably wasn't so much accident as it was "Whoops, wrong person...oh what if I "accidentally" his send...hmmmmm..."

I understand both sides of this. I remember a couple years ago, Lennon told me that was one thing he'd learned about me: I was always good at seeing both sides to an argument and understanding both points of view. I understand where he's coming from. He needs to keep away because if he doesn't, he'll get attached. That in itself is understandable. I guess maybe it's not that I'm not worried I personally won't get attached, it's that I need a friend so badly that I don't really care how he feels about me romantically. It's so self-centered, I know, but the way I look at it--or rather, the way I'm going to try and spin this--it's just me caring more to be a friend and overlook the romantic thoughts for strictly platonic feelings. Maybe I'm not explaining it right... I don't know, I guess it's hard to get your point across unless you know exactly what you're saying lol

I think the best way I can describe it is like how I felt for Lennon for basically the whole time we knew each other through middle school. I'd tell him every now and then I loved him, I guess maybe to quell him for the time being, but I didn't love him the way he loved me. Maybe I did for a little while, but I cared so much about him that it was almost like he was a brother to me, when it got to the point where I'd talk to him every day and got to know him and his quirks. No one was ever good enough for him besides me because, I assume, like an older sister, or parent, or family member, no one IS ever good enough for someone they love. And to this day, despite how far we've gotten from each other, no matter what's happened between us, who says what to whom, I still care deeply for him. I care about who he sees, whether she's good enough for him or not; I care about what danger he puts himself in; I care about his success with his band and his personal aspirations. In essence, I still love him like he were family.

And I think that's the type of vibe I get off Alex...like whatever relationship that could be found between the two of us was capable of forging a sort of love, but not the romantic type that had a flame that could be lit and kept burning hot like most good romances should have. That's what I have with Myles. No matter what happens, what issues we have with each other, through good communication on both ends, we shelter that flame from any detrimental "accidents". I just think Alex is someone I care about and have had a deep undertaking toward since we'd first started our whole communication "scandal" if that's what you want to call it. But I guess it's something I'll never really get to know. Not only goes Alex want more, but Myles would kill me if he knew what was going on. If I post this, that means I'll have to talk to him about this. Oh well, all the better to improve our relationship upon, I suppose. I just hope Alex can understand where I'm coming from. I only have the best of intentions. I want to be there for him, and I'd like him to be there for me as well. What is life without a helping hand, a platonic helping hand?