Applause for the Wallflower

Sometimes when I have a lot of time to think, I wonder what it would be like if I were still with Carlos. Not because I miss it, but just because it would be interesting to know, I guess. I wouldn't be happy, that I know. I was thinking today, listening to a Mariah Carey song (go figure), I realized how easy it is to just say you love someone. You know that saying that goes something like "If you love someone, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."? Sometimes I wonder if it's true. I mean, not that you have to let someone go to find out if you have their heart fully. But it's funny how things work out. He let me go so many times. And each and every time he set me free, I came back. A day, a week, a couple months, I still came back. So in reference to the quote, he had me. But I wonder if that would have happened for me. I guess thinking about it, probably not. I look at how I imagine him to be now with Marissa. I'm really happy for them. It sounds condescending coming from me, but I mean it. I mean look at how it worked out. Best of friends that fall in love? Lucky. We should all be so fortunate...too bad we aren't. The thought actually struck me the other day, but in a few short months, they'll both be legally able to start a life together. I mean, I don't really think either of them are so irrational as to plunge themselves into financial strain and most likely emotional turmoil, but just the fact that they know so full-heartedly, or at least he does (I don't know how she feels seeing as I'm not friends with her, this is all just my assumption), that the love they feel for one another is strong enough to ward off the stress of everyday living, and the fact that they can take that bond to be a legal committment... It's just a funny thought.

And that made me think of Myles. He's 20. My mom already had me by then. Married mother of one, working to pay the rent and to put food on the table. It's so weird. For so long, he'd had zero responsibility, living off his mom and dad, picking up gigs here and there, playing music for a living. There's nothing wrong with that. But I wonder when the right age is for everyone to just grow up? He's got a steady job now, a "9-to-5" job. He's picking up responsibility. And this sounds condescending as well, but in a weird way, I'm proud of him. Sometimes, and even though it may be a bit inaccurate, I feel like maybe I'm part of the reason he picked things up. That makes me wonder about me. Am I ready for that? For someone with a 9-5 job and benefits for a family? Should I be preparing my life with someone, regardless of how much I love him, who's pretty much already mapped out what he plans on doing? Yes, true, I love plans and schedules and knowing what I'm doing in a weekly, day-to-day, hourly way. But no, I don't want to admit my life is set in stone. Don't you ever feel like you just met someone at the wrong time? God, I love him, but I don't want my life to be one big plan. Married by 25, kids by 32, healthy career, retired by 65, all while living the all-american life. Maybe I don't want that. Maybe I want something different. But I don't even know what there is out there besides everything I've been exposed to. What else is there but the all-american lifestyle...and loneliness?