Applause for the Wallflower

Not really...lol. The song's just stuck in my head. I don't know what I want to say. I guess I just needed a place to sort my thoughts, and usually this is where I go. I haven't written as much in here than I usually do just because I guess I just don't bother when I can't put the thoughts to word.

I don't know what it is. Something just feels...empty. Not for any specific reason. I'm trying really hard not to let this affect the relationship I've forged with Myles, but it's really hard when I can't tell him what's exactly going through my mind. I guess you could say the reason for that is a healthy mixture of two things: the fact that I forget when I'm with him, the fact that I don't know if he'd like what I'd have to say. I've put so much effort into letting go when I'm with him, forgetting, that sometimes I ignore what emotions I still have. But what are they?

We talked last night and I know I made him feel awful. I never wanted to hurt him with anything I had said, but I know some things just happen. I can't explain how he makes me feel, how comforted and safe I feel with him. Even when I'm not with him, just the thought of him brings a sense of security I've never known before. And even at night, when he falls asleep and I don't feel like I could settle enough to fall asleep myself, just his breathing steadies me. I don't know what it all means. He comforts me more than anyone I know. But I know he can't always be there.

I just need to get away from all this. Maybe forgetting could be the cure. I need to find a way to be happy and maybe it'll rub off on everything else. I just don't know what to do. I guess I'm not as sure as I once was. Go figure, right?