Applause for the Wallflower

I can't believe it's been so long since I've blogged!! I guess I haven't been feeling there's much worth mentioning these days; I would pretty much be repeating everything I've been feeling these past couple months with Myles. Everything's been going so well lately, it's almost scary. I think for a long time, I'd been too afraid to look myself in the mirror for too long, scared of what I'd find staring back at me; old feelings buried deep beneath my surface happiness, memories, reminders... Just things I think I was too afraid to acknowledge simply because I didn't want to ruin what I'd been building these past few months, the euphoria I've finally been beginning to experience when Myles. He's taught me so much, it's crazy. It's all about understanding and communication with him; not who's right and who's wrong; not our stubbornness; not our wants and needs. It's about compassion and giving; not selfishness. I'm so grateful that he's given me these things and never has it been so clear as tonight.

I found out today that Carlos moved back up to New York. When I'd heard, I think I gave away too many of my cards to the guard. I think I was in such shock that I realized how much I'd actually miss him. Now that finally, I'm stable enough to admit it, I guess it doesn't bother me so much. But I finally realized I would sincerely miss his presense. I sent him a message on myspace just telling him I'd heard he'd moved wanted to know if he was alright because knowing him, he probably had some sort of drama totally surround the whole thing leading to him moving up there, which of course, there was. But we got to talking on aim. I don't think he even read my message on myspace, but I finally got the nerve up to unblock him on my buddy list and a couple seconds later...there it was. An IM. It was much needed closure, and as he'd say "yeah, i've been thinking about you," and "i miss you," and "i'll always love you," all I could think was, I haven't been thinking about you...I don't miss you, and I don't love you like I used to anymore. I think about Myles; I miss Myles; I love Myles. There were so many things I'd do differently with Carlos, but when I stop to think, I don't know if I'd actually go through with it. If he hadn't have broken my heart the way he did, if he hadn't have strung me along the way he had, I wouldn't have had the nerve or the courage to accept a date from someone who I'd soon come to find was my 100, someone that's not my 99. I'll always care about Carlos. He'll always be someone I can tell everything to, but he'll never be my 100. Not like Myles is. There will always be something that stands in the way, and finally I've accepted this.

God, it feels amazing to have this weight lifted.

Not really...lol. The song's just stuck in my head. I don't know what I want to say. I guess I just needed a place to sort my thoughts, and usually this is where I go. I haven't written as much in here than I usually do just because I guess I just don't bother when I can't put the thoughts to word.

I don't know what it is. Something just feels...empty. Not for any specific reason. I'm trying really hard not to let this affect the relationship I've forged with Myles, but it's really hard when I can't tell him what's exactly going through my mind. I guess you could say the reason for that is a healthy mixture of two things: the fact that I forget when I'm with him, the fact that I don't know if he'd like what I'd have to say. I've put so much effort into letting go when I'm with him, forgetting, that sometimes I ignore what emotions I still have. But what are they?

We talked last night and I know I made him feel awful. I never wanted to hurt him with anything I had said, but I know some things just happen. I can't explain how he makes me feel, how comforted and safe I feel with him. Even when I'm not with him, just the thought of him brings a sense of security I've never known before. And even at night, when he falls asleep and I don't feel like I could settle enough to fall asleep myself, just his breathing steadies me. I don't know what it all means. He comforts me more than anyone I know. But I know he can't always be there.

I just need to get away from all this. Maybe forgetting could be the cure. I need to find a way to be happy and maybe it'll rub off on everything else. I just don't know what to do. I guess I'm not as sure as I once was. Go figure, right?