Applause for the Wallflower

It's hard not talking to him. I almost went a whole day and night without a single word, but I can't say I was hoping to really do it. I won't lie, the second I realized I had an excuse to text him, my phone was in my hand within seconds. Now, it just sucks because there are no more excuses.

So today I got off work to go to my mom's. It's been a really long time since I've spent the night at her place and I really miss her. In times such as these where it feels like I've got no one, my mom has always been the safe haven I run toward. She always knows what to say to make me feel like I can do anything. Ever since last November when everything in my world was flipped upside-down, she showed me that there was more to life than waiting around for a boy to wise up. I guess I just needed that guidance in my life. She was never really a prevalent personality in my upbringing, nor my dad, but when she was the only one I could talk to, everything she instilled in me has helped me to this day. So in essence, I'm going to my mom's today to seek a little guidance...or maybe just to be in her presence.

Even now, thinking about my mom makes everything hurt less. I think these past couple of days have just been made worse each time I'd touch the open wound. I mean, you'd think that if I was so hurt by not being with Myles, I wouldn't start thinking about everything I'd miss about him, but I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic, thinking that if I miss him enough, he might break down just enough to wise up and say he's sorry. But it's much more complicated than that, and I won't even think twice on that. Anyway, I feel like the dawn is starting to break a little. I was talking a couple entries ago, I think, about the pain crossing the threshold between purely emotional and manifesting into real physical pain? Now the physical pain is starting to wear away, and although I do feel that pang in my heart every few hours, that emptiness in my chest, it's not a constant lack of fulfillment. I starting to breath easier and I'm almost there. I can feel it. I've never really had much more faith in my recovery than at this point now and I know the road will only get smoother for me. I just can't linger long on things I know will hurt. And as much as I want to know how he's doing and everything he's been thinking, I know that would be a step in the opposite direction. I mean, I was forced into this...I may as well perform it to the best of my abilities, and if that means ignoring certain thoughts, blocking certain memories, I guess it's what I have to do. Besides, there are other ways for me to feel close to him without actually hurting me, but allowing me to feel hopeful. But again, I don't linger on those for too long, either.

Either way, I'm starting to worry less and smile more; I'm starting to cry less and laugh more. I'm almost there, almost free. I just hope he's alright. I'm fairing fine, but I worry he isn't.