Applause for the Wallflower

I feel like God did this to me to show me that not all situations are as they seem. I now know how my mom can do what she does to Albert and Jose. It's not like she's hurting either one of them, essentially; neither of them really know much about the other. I guess I'd been saying for so long that my mom leads a double-life in such a condescending manner that now, the Universe decided to let me have a taste of it. I hate it. What I don't tell one, I feel like I'm lying... But it's not like I'm making up any of the things I'm feeling. I guess I'm just feeling really used right now. I mean, how could I not? I don't really know how else to put it without giving it all away.

My doggie Roxie died today... Ever since I was in the 1st grade and my pet rabbit, Spike, died, I've never been much of an animal person. I guess getting so attatched to watch them die the way they do with such short lifespans is way too hard for me to handle. So I guess it's been since then that I haven't been close with my dogs, Roxie and Cookie. But today, it was just my dad, Dave and myself at home. At about noon, we decided to head out to the bookstore and lunch and when we came home, Dave and I walked into the kitchen and right there in the pool...... I just can't get the image of my dad running out to attempt to save the lifeless body of the dog that's been around longer than I have. And I know it doesn't sound very traumatic to you, or to anyone else who's lost someone or something close to them, but now it's almost as if death is inevitable...as if its grip is just holding my family tighter, paralyzing us with fear that he may be next...and my god, I'm so scared for that day... I'm so scared for the day that he won't be there anymore because I'd never gotten to say I love you and mean it. Because the last time he made my favorite dinner, I wasn't there to eat it with the family. Because when he was in the hospital, I didn't get to visit once because I was late. I'm so scared that I'll never get the chance to prove how much he means to me, and that by the time I pluck up the courage to say so, it'll be too late.

I live in a world of regret these days. I just need to come clean with everyone. But will that really make everything better? I feel like if I'm honest with how I feel and what's really happened, I'll lose everything because of my dishonesty now. And I'm stuck in a world of guilt by not being able to move when the signs are all around me telling me to do so. But I'm so afraid that no one will love me when I tell them what I've done. I'm so afraid that no matter how many times he's told me he loves me and that he'll always be there for me, he'll be so angry with me, he'll try to spite me, which will hurt all that much more. I'm so scared that if I tell the other what really happened last night, he'll be more hurt than he already was. I'm such a selfish person. I've fooled the world into thinking I'm someone that cares, but really I'm only in it till it doesn't do me any good. I'm not the pesn they want me to be. What hurts me the most is that I know I'll be the biggest disappointment to him if he knew it. I'm not as sure or strong as I seem, this much I know. But maybe I should trust that no matter what happens, he'll always be there for me. Maybe it's time I give a little...