Applause for the Wallflower

It's really hard to sit here and type out exactly what's been on my mind the past couple weeks. With everything that's evolved with Alex, I feel like it's one of those things that'll only feel as right as I allow it to be; something temporary and meant to feel better than it actually is. I'm afraid, however, that the fact that it's nothing official will cause me to continue whatever it is we have even past the extent to which I'd have normally just broken up with someone. Yesterday after rehearsal, we went to Wendy's and then he had to go to Home Depot for something, so I ended up kind of tagging along...and on the way to Home Depot, I hit every single red light imaginable on the way there. And once I got there, he'd already gone in and come back out when I realized I needed to buy electrical tape to tape up a pole for guard...and then it started to rain. I know it doesn't seem like it, but to me, I took it as a sign...from the red lights, to the rain...it was as if God was telling me, "Kristina, this is a bad idea. Turn around. It's not meant to be." Maybe that's what I wanted it to say... But the point is, I went anyway. And as we were saying good-bye, I just realized how temporary it all feels. It's like minor comfort because neither of us can commit to each other. As much as I want the comfort and safety and shelter that commitment entails, I don't think I'd find quite that in someone else quite so quickly...and in addition to that, Alex doesn't want to commit to anyone either. To him, "What we have is perfect." I mean, I guess I understand what he's saying... Who needs to know that there's anything going on between us, but at the same time, if it ever were to come up, why should we deny it? It's a little frustrating when I've got him calling me baby in a text, but in front of the school, he's afraid to hug me too many times in case people we know may see. It's like I'm dying to hear something from him to let me know I'm an important person to him.

I guess I can relate this message to Myles as well. The other day carrying into yesterday, he stopped texting me without a goodbye or anything...and it totally left me stumped. I'd love to be able to sit here and say I didn't act like the totally typical psycho ex-girlfriend, but the truth is I was really upset. I didn't know what I'd done or said to make him stop wanting to talk to me. I guess a lot of me is just scared that I'll lose him and his love. As much as he tells me he'll always be attracted to me, it's a different thing entirely. I guess I shouldn't dwell on it much...he's probably going to read this (hi) so in hopes of keeping a small portion of my dignity, I'll keep my piece to myself.

Moral of the story: give love when you can. And when you can't, don't expect it in return.