Applause for the Wallflower

It's really hard to sit here and type out exactly what's been on my mind the past couple weeks. With everything that's evolved with Alex, I feel like it's one of those things that'll only feel as right as I allow it to be; something temporary and meant to feel better than it actually is. I'm afraid, however, that the fact that it's nothing official will cause me to continue whatever it is we have even past the extent to which I'd have normally just broken up with someone. Yesterday after rehearsal, we went to Wendy's and then he had to go to Home Depot for something, so I ended up kind of tagging along...and on the way to Home Depot, I hit every single red light imaginable on the way there. And once I got there, he'd already gone in and come back out when I realized I needed to buy electrical tape to tape up a pole for guard...and then it started to rain. I know it doesn't seem like it, but to me, I took it as a sign...from the red lights, to the rain...it was as if God was telling me, "Kristina, this is a bad idea. Turn around. It's not meant to be." Maybe that's what I wanted it to say... But the point is, I went anyway. And as we were saying good-bye, I just realized how temporary it all feels. It's like minor comfort because neither of us can commit to each other. As much as I want the comfort and safety and shelter that commitment entails, I don't think I'd find quite that in someone else quite so quickly...and in addition to that, Alex doesn't want to commit to anyone either. To him, "What we have is perfect." I mean, I guess I understand what he's saying... Who needs to know that there's anything going on between us, but at the same time, if it ever were to come up, why should we deny it? It's a little frustrating when I've got him calling me baby in a text, but in front of the school, he's afraid to hug me too many times in case people we know may see. It's like I'm dying to hear something from him to let me know I'm an important person to him.

I guess I can relate this message to Myles as well. The other day carrying into yesterday, he stopped texting me without a goodbye or anything...and it totally left me stumped. I'd love to be able to sit here and say I didn't act like the totally typical psycho ex-girlfriend, but the truth is I was really upset. I didn't know what I'd done or said to make him stop wanting to talk to me. I guess a lot of me is just scared that I'll lose him and his love. As much as he tells me he'll always be attracted to me, it's a different thing entirely. I guess I shouldn't dwell on it much...he's probably going to read this (hi) so in hopes of keeping a small portion of my dignity, I'll keep my piece to myself.

Moral of the story: give love when you can. And when you can't, don't expect it in return.

The fact of the matter is that I really hate when people find out I'm single. I always feel bad when I say things like this because it sounds like I'm bragging, or like I think I've got every guy begging to be with me. That's not what I'm saying at all. I just hate having all that sort of attention when all I crave is the attention of one person. Last night, someone I've known only since my freshman year decided to message me and confess to me the fact that he's had a crush on me since we've met. I mean, it's flattering, but I dunno. It's like "Oh my god, it's THIS all over again." He's saying to me almost word for word what Myles used to, about being ready for commitment, something real...tired of being played, wanting someone to love. I wonder how many times I'll fall for that line. I mean when Myles first tried picking me up with all that, it totally worked. I was head over heels before I even knew it. What if I were here then? Would it have worked? Dennis is a nice guy...and I mean he's really trying. But how do I even know he's really in it for the right reasons. But I guess when it comes down to it, my future isn't set. It's still way too early to be counting on anything from anyone.

I also got a text last night from a friend I've known for a long time. There's always been history between us. I remember in first grade, I told myself that one day, he'd be my boyfriend. *sigh* Oh how those days were so uncomplicated. Anyway, so I'd like to say maybe a year or so ago, we kind of had this agreement that if either of us ever needed it, we could come to each other for a hook-up. So anyway, he texted me last night at like 2 in the morning about it... Not gonna lie...the boy's gorgeous. But when I think about it, would I ever actually do it? I dunno... It's nice knowing people find me attractive in that sense, but it's almost as if I'm still not good enough to be called "the girlfriend" or to be that person that someone else needs... I dunno... I won't dwell. It makes things a lot worse than they seem when I'm not thinking about it.

I feel like God did this to me to show me that not all situations are as they seem. I now know how my mom can do what she does to Albert and Jose. It's not like she's hurting either one of them, essentially; neither of them really know much about the other. I guess I'd been saying for so long that my mom leads a double-life in such a condescending manner that now, the Universe decided to let me have a taste of it. I hate it. What I don't tell one, I feel like I'm lying... But it's not like I'm making up any of the things I'm feeling. I guess I'm just feeling really used right now. I mean, how could I not? I don't really know how else to put it without giving it all away.

My doggie Roxie died today... Ever since I was in the 1st grade and my pet rabbit, Spike, died, I've never been much of an animal person. I guess getting so attatched to watch them die the way they do with such short lifespans is way too hard for me to handle. So I guess it's been since then that I haven't been close with my dogs, Roxie and Cookie. But today, it was just my dad, Dave and myself at home. At about noon, we decided to head out to the bookstore and lunch and when we came home, Dave and I walked into the kitchen and right there in the pool...... I just can't get the image of my dad running out to attempt to save the lifeless body of the dog that's been around longer than I have. And I know it doesn't sound very traumatic to you, or to anyone else who's lost someone or something close to them, but now it's almost as if death is inevitable...as if its grip is just holding my family tighter, paralyzing us with fear that he may be next...and my god, I'm so scared for that day... I'm so scared for the day that he won't be there anymore because I'd never gotten to say I love you and mean it. Because the last time he made my favorite dinner, I wasn't there to eat it with the family. Because when he was in the hospital, I didn't get to visit once because I was late. I'm so scared that I'll never get the chance to prove how much he means to me, and that by the time I pluck up the courage to say so, it'll be too late.

I live in a world of regret these days. I just need to come clean with everyone. But will that really make everything better? I feel like if I'm honest with how I feel and what's really happened, I'll lose everything because of my dishonesty now. And I'm stuck in a world of guilt by not being able to move when the signs are all around me telling me to do so. But I'm so afraid that no one will love me when I tell them what I've done. I'm so afraid that no matter how many times he's told me he loves me and that he'll always be there for me, he'll be so angry with me, he'll try to spite me, which will hurt all that much more. I'm so scared that if I tell the other what really happened last night, he'll be more hurt than he already was. I'm such a selfish person. I've fooled the world into thinking I'm someone that cares, but really I'm only in it till it doesn't do me any good. I'm not the pesn they want me to be. What hurts me the most is that I know I'll be the biggest disappointment to him if he knew it. I'm not as sure or strong as I seem, this much I know. But maybe I should trust that no matter what happens, he'll always be there for me. Maybe it's time I give a little...

Yesterday was the last day of band camp and our first performance for the parents and friends and all that... Monday night was the first bit of contact I'd gotten from him in a couple days. It was nice to hear him again and be able to talk to him. I don't really know what to say, to be totally honest. All week, I'd been asking him if he wanted to come to the Preview yesterday and he'd just say he's think about it. So yesterday, all I could think about was whether or not he'd come. I admit, I kind of figured he would, but there was still that piece of me that didn't think he would be able to. Right before we started, I kept looking around, searching the crowd for his face, a shirt of his I'd seen him wear before, something...but nothing. I'd already seen his mom and dad, my mom, and his sister, but I couldn't find the one person I'd wanted to see most. When it was over, we got in a huddle on the 50 around Rivero and I looked over to the right side of the field and there he was... Thrill washed over me and when Rivero told us to head to the band hallway for dismissal, I headed straight for where I figured he would have been. It was the first time I'd seen him in over a week and my god, it felt good to hug him again...to talk to him face-to-face. I knew I missed him, but I don't think I could have summed it up quite enough. We went out to dinner and talked, and it felt just like how it used to be.

To be totally honest, I feel like we do a lot of the same things we used to, between falling asleep together on the phone and texting all day, spending time with each other last we did last night, and all that jazz...I just don't understand why we are the way we are. I guess there's not avoiding it anymore...he just doesn't think we're meant to be. There's no way of going around it, no matter how many times I try to convince myself that someday he'll see we're perfect. Maybe that's all this is about...we're not meant to be. The end. But that's never the end of the story. I've thought about this a lot...but if we're still this close in the future, how will either of us have time for any other relationship? I wouldn't want to fall asleep to the sound of another snore and I wouldn't want to text only one person every day that isn't him. But if we're not meant to be, this could be a potentially harmful situation. I guess things will smoothe themselves over on their own...no use in trying to force it for now.

It's hard not talking to him. I almost went a whole day and night without a single word, but I can't say I was hoping to really do it. I won't lie, the second I realized I had an excuse to text him, my phone was in my hand within seconds. Now, it just sucks because there are no more excuses.

So today I got off work to go to my mom's. It's been a really long time since I've spent the night at her place and I really miss her. In times such as these where it feels like I've got no one, my mom has always been the safe haven I run toward. She always knows what to say to make me feel like I can do anything. Ever since last November when everything in my world was flipped upside-down, she showed me that there was more to life than waiting around for a boy to wise up. I guess I just needed that guidance in my life. She was never really a prevalent personality in my upbringing, nor my dad, but when she was the only one I could talk to, everything she instilled in me has helped me to this day. So in essence, I'm going to my mom's today to seek a little guidance...or maybe just to be in her presence.

Even now, thinking about my mom makes everything hurt less. I think these past couple of days have just been made worse each time I'd touch the open wound. I mean, you'd think that if I was so hurt by not being with Myles, I wouldn't start thinking about everything I'd miss about him, but I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic, thinking that if I miss him enough, he might break down just enough to wise up and say he's sorry. But it's much more complicated than that, and I won't even think twice on that. Anyway, I feel like the dawn is starting to break a little. I was talking a couple entries ago, I think, about the pain crossing the threshold between purely emotional and manifesting into real physical pain? Now the physical pain is starting to wear away, and although I do feel that pang in my heart every few hours, that emptiness in my chest, it's not a constant lack of fulfillment. I starting to breath easier and I'm almost there. I can feel it. I've never really had much more faith in my recovery than at this point now and I know the road will only get smoother for me. I just can't linger long on things I know will hurt. And as much as I want to know how he's doing and everything he's been thinking, I know that would be a step in the opposite direction. I mean, I was forced into this...I may as well perform it to the best of my abilities, and if that means ignoring certain thoughts, blocking certain memories, I guess it's what I have to do. Besides, there are other ways for me to feel close to him without actually hurting me, but allowing me to feel hopeful. But again, I don't linger on those for too long, either.

Either way, I'm starting to worry less and smile more; I'm starting to cry less and laugh more. I'm almost there, almost free. I just hope he's alright. I'm fairing fine, but I worry he isn't.

I was actually pretty proud of myself today... Not a single tear over him all day till after work on the way home. It's getting a little better now, at least as far as the crying goes. It still hurts and I still feel the pain, but now my tear ducts just don't react to it, so I don't have to pretend like my face isn't totally red and splotchy when it is.

Not much to report today... Just a stepping stone toward a better tomorrow, I guess. Hopefully when I think back to these days, I'll be proud of myself in the future for allowing myself to be better.

It's funny, I talked to Carlos last night on the phone for the first time in months. His voice sounded so different, but it was almost as if nothing had changed. But I'm happy to say he's definitely gotten some thinking done. One significant difference in him was the fact that he actually listened to what I had to say as opposed to being the only one who talked. It was something I always had to deal with myself because I never had the guts to tell him to shut up so I could talk...but when I told him I wanted to finish up my story, he actually sat there and listened and even gave me feed back to try and make me feel better... But anyway, so I talked to Carlos last night and he mentioned something about The Secret. It's been a couple months, since April really, that I've actually had to use the Secret. I guess mostly because I had pretty much thought that I had my life exactly where I wanted it to be, so there was no need to attract anything else into it. But after all that's happened with me and Myles, after realizing how difficult this next season with the guard's going to be, and after evaluating the fact that school will once again be starting, I just feel like now is as good a time as any to revamp my belief in the Secret.

I can't help but wonder if I brought all this upon myself. I mean, when thinking about the Secret, maybe all my negative thoughts about hoping Myles and I would work out...maybe I attracted this into my life. Maybe I was the reason all this happened. I put some quotes from the movie on my MySpace; things like, "The pen is in your hand," and "Everything in your life, you have attracted. Accept that. It's true." It really made me think. The Secret is the Law of Attraction (LOA). Each thought has it's own frequency and we attract everything to our lives like magnets would metal. And in thinking of guard, one of our voiceovers said something about "chang[ing] the channel, chang[ing] the frequecy," when you weren't attracting the results you wanted to see. So with taking that into consideration, I'm going to start turning the dial and searching the airwaves for a channel I want to listen to. Things are kind of starting to look up...and they're coming along much faster than they had when Carlos and I broke up. I'm glad. This hurts much worse than that did and although the pain is far from over, I know that when I sort through things about myself and have that all tucked away, I can start to square away the pain. I don't quite know how at the moment, but once I find a way back to being me, I'm sure the answers will all come to me. I just can't worry myself with other dangling details. And if that means forgetting, that's what I've got to do. I just hope that all this doesn't come at a terribly high price. Forgetting is one thing. Erasing is another.

It's starting to numb out a little... I still feel like total shit, like I was just completely annihilated, but at this point, I know it can't get any worse. I was reading the few entries I had time to write while Myles and I had first started dating... It's funny because the last line in the most recent entry in April read, "In situations such as these, we're dealing with more than my own conscience. M has one too and I shouldn't forget that." How funny is that? I don't know, it sucks reading how amazing things felt back then and thinking that in three short months, it pretty much deteriorated right before my eyes, but maybe if I open my eyes to whatever possibilities this may bring, I may see differently soon enough.

It's funny how I thought intimacy with Myles would create tangled webs of distrust and heart ache like it had in my previous experiences. Intimacy with Myles was never just one thing. It didn't just have to be sex or a kiss. We could have just been together. There were times when we'd just drive around at night after a movie or dinner and I'd lie across the seats in the car with my head in his lap and just look up at him. We'd just talk and I'd feel so close to him. And those nights we walked on the beach... When it ended up raining and we sat in the parking lot next to the roaring ocean and gusting winds...

Oh geez, this isn't healthy. Lol... But it brought a lot of comfort writing about it. Oh well, I guess just writing these days about the things that make me feel better is a step in the right direction... We'll see how things work out though. For the sake of myself, I've got to try to give it a try at the very least...

Did that make any sense?? lol...

I'm up at 6 because I don't know what to do with myself. It's that feeling that tells you "Fall asleep," and you want it with everything your body has because you're just so exhausted, mentally and physically...but you know that whatever salvation sleep can bring could never amount to happiness you've felt. Yeah, that's where I'm at right now.

I prayed this morning. I prayed with everything in me that as much as I'm hurting right now, I know he's got it a million times worse. He doesn't know up from down in his life and I wish like you've got no idea that I could be there to soak the punches...but he's right. There are no if's, and's, or but's about it. He needs this for himself, to be by himself to discover what I've always seen. There's no end to my gratitude toward him. I owe him everything in the world for showing me the brighter side of life; that there is dawn after dark. He had faith in me like I'd never seen, like I'd never opened my eyes to before. So I prayed. I want him to reach that road that shows him that his heart is made of gold and his arms are stronger than he knows and I hope through all this struggle, he finds the light after dark.I know he will.

I thought about what he'd said to me in the car. You know, I can't help but laugh because I had no idea this was all going on in his head. It's not really funny, but I guess laughter's the only way to keep me from feeling like a shitty girlfriend. I should have told him that the reason he calls himself such a coward in always taking the easy way out, that never refusing Ross the way he has for the past twenty years of his life, that taking the time out to ease my pain and set asside his own for much too long, in caring so deeply and passionately for his sister and well-being of his family...I should have told him it all was because he cares. Maybe walking the easy road's because he wanted to avoid conflict of any type because life's always easier without stress, but who can blame him for wanting to be stress-free? I guess he can. But in the end, he cares too much about every single person in his life to see anyone go through any emotional pain.

Ever since middle school, I guess, I've always loved to break people down. I don't mean it in the de-spiriting sense. I've always enjoy opening a person up, dissecting them, determining what makes them and who they are. It's been so long since I've done that...until now I guess that is. I haven't cared enough about anyone lately to fix what wasn't broken.

I just can't get out of my head the image of him shaking, letting go for the short period of time he did. I wonder if that was right of me to ask from him...to let go like he'd asked me so many times before, under different circumstances. I should have turned around when I set my things down on that bench. I should've run back to his car door and done something. I don't know what I'd have done, but the fact that I should have done it makes me upset...the fact that I didn't.

I guess what brings me small comfort at the moment is the fact that I know he's having a hard time sleeping, too. That he's up, if not thinking about me, but thinking about his life, where he'll go, what he'll do, who he'll become. I find comfort that he's working on what he promised me he was doing, that he didn't just pick up and leave for no hidden reason. And even if it isn't true, I know he starts each day off with me in mind...or rather, that's what I want to believe. I guess I sort of feel that bit of entitlement, at this point, to do whatever I need to make myself feel better. I want to believe that on his way to work, he's going to have to struggle not to call me, and at work, he's going to have to learn to work without a text from me. I want to believe that on his way home, he's wondering what I've done all day and what I'll be doing tonight, that at night when he struggles to find sleep and the answers to his questions, he'll have to hold himself back from calling me ease himself into sleep. This gives me comfort because at 7:15-8 o'clock, I'll be holding my breath, waiting for Bitter Sweet Symphony to go off on my phone, for the picture of us to flash onto my screen and his name to be emblazoned across the panel. All day, I'll be holding my breath, waiting for a text message from him...and each time it's someone but him, a piece of me will fall away. On the way to work this evening, probably seriously contemplate calling him or sending him a text, and at work, I'll check my phone more times than usual hoping that maybe he'd broken down just enough to say hello. On the way home, I'll be tired and hungry, waiting by my phone for a call that will never come...one that should bring peace and a soft breathing that is sure to calm me into deep sleep... On all our down time, we'll be thinking the same things for a moment together. Sure, probably me just a little bit longer because he's got so much more on his plate than just me, but I guess that fact that I run through his mind is enough to suffice for now.

So I hope that you read this. If not now, some time when you're better. I read that letter I wrote and sent you... I'm trying to make myself believe it's not what I want, but every word on that piece of paper is true. Everything I'd said... I couldn't care less whether I get whatever experience you and the entire world is telling me I need. I don't like the loneliness all that entails and I never will.

As the sun begins to rise, I'm sitting in my darkened room knowing that in a few short minutes, blinds that I've closed will only barely be able to keep out the bright light of the day, forcing me to open them and accept the inevitable. What's meant to be will find a way and if he and I were meant to be the way I so imagine it, then I should rest assured. And if not, if I'm not destined to be the one who takes care of him when he's sick, I pray that he finds someone that will be better suited than myself for that job. He deserves only the best God has to offer. And I hope he never settles for second best...and if second best is me, then I pray he finds the courage to never end his search for his 100.

It was all so sudden. Less than twelve hours from the phone call, I was sitting happy, telling a friend how amazing everything was; how truly happy I was. And now to be forced into something I've never ever wanted...





I'm sorry, but I just can't help but wonder what my problem is. I can't hold onto anyone. I don't know what to do anymore... I have no appetite and threw up the few pieces of food I forced down my throat. I have the worst dizzy spell right now and am finding it quite difficult to type. Fuck man. Why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be now? God, when everything was so good... I was thanking the Universe for giving me the only two things I had ever asked for...my gold medal and someone to love me. I guess essentially, I still have both of them...I just can't feel it anymore.

I have to confess, for a little while in the beginning, I wondered if we were right for each other, if I really loved him. But somehow, I don't know what it was or how it came about, I just realized he was everything I needed...everything I'd ever wanted. He rescued me and that evening when I came home from our first meeting, I couldn't stop smiling.... But now, this evening, coming inside from his car, I can't stop crying. Three months. God, when I look at it like that, it seems so juvenile. A three month long relationship... Just another heart break. I had middle school relationships that lasted longer. But in my heart, I just know that this isn't all there's destined to be. My head keeps telling me "Face it, Kristina. He's done with you. He needs someone better so just face the facts and move on." But my heart...oh god my heart. There's this endless pain that tells me there's more to us than this.

God, I just want to be with him right now. I just need so badly to be with someone that can comfort me...and he's the only person. So right now, I don't know what the fuck to do.

I guess I'll just cry it out till I figure out which direction to step in.