Applause for the Wallflower

Listening to this album, Boys Like Girls, it brings me back to winter season when everything with Carlos pretty much beat me to a bloody pulp. It's so funny how much things have changed since then. I listen to all these songs I thought were so easily relatable to my situation with him, but now knowing the information that I do about what actually happened (all the while, still not knowing quite everything though), I almost want to slap myself in the forehead and say "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING??" Yeah, it's like that.

I haven't honestly thought about that whole part of the year till recently when Carlos started calling and texting. I think I missed one of his calls the other day while I was on the phone with my mom or something, but it's just weird being on the phone with him again. It's weird talking to him. I can't really explain it. Well, I can. I guess it's because I'm not the same Kristina he knew. I'm different, definitely different. I'm definitely more mature and I'm not going to swoon at his every word anymore. I'm not at his beck and call and I'm a better person for it. So when I talk to him and I notice when he uses the same techniques he used to when he'd try to win be back, instead of falling head over heels for him, I roll my eyes and pray that something comes up so I can tell him I'll call him later. I know it's terrible, but a lot of the time, and maybe it's just because that's the Carlos I'm used to, but it just seems like he's always trying to convince me that we'll be together again.

Let me use an example. The first couple times we'd talked after resolving our issues, he'd asked if I'd ever hook up with him again because I missed him. Mind you, I was dating Myles at the time and he was fully aware of that. I told him I didn't think so because I was past that part of my life, and his response was "Well, we'll see when you come up here for college at NYU." Something about that statement just disgusts me. "We'll see when you come up here for college." As if time was going to change my opinions? As if I'd ever want to be subjected to such humiliation ever again in my entire life? Yes, I miss having Carlos around...but that doesn't mean I miss because totally used by him. Being with Myles has definitely shown me the difference between being with someone who truly cares, and someone who cares, but has other intentions in mind. The main difference though is that with Myles, there's never any doubt in my mind whether the words from his mouth are the God's-Honest-Truth. With Carlos, I was never sure. To this day as mentioned earlier, there are still things that he did while we were dating and while we were "talking" that I have no idea about. Girls I'd learned about just a month or so ago, things he'd done with them... Even when he tells me stories, I always feel the need to lie and tell him I believe him when he validates himself because I'll never honestly believe a word from his mouth.

I could sit here and say that it's all his fault that I don't trust him. To be totally honest, in the end, a lot of it was his fault. Ok, all of it was his fault in the end. But during the course of our relationship, there was no reason for me not to believe him... I just don't know why I never did...

I guess it doesn't much matter anymore. I think if I were ever to run back to him, it would be simply a familiarity causing me to drift that direction, not that I'd ever have a reason to having the perfect man at my side now :) But we'll see what the future brings. If the past month has taught me anything, it's 1) patience and 2) never count on anyone but yourself in the mortal world because you never know what decisions someone else will make that will effect you...and the worst part is that you have absolutely no control over what they decide. All you can do is sit back and say "Shit, guess I'm going down the scenic route again."