Applause for the Wallflower

Sometimes I feel so guilty for being as happy as I am. I feel like everything that's happened to me in the past four out of five months shouldn't have happened to me. It just all seems so...surreal. Not in an unattainable way, though...if that makes sense. I was just thinking a second ago about my birthday last year. In all honesty, my sixteenth birthday should have been a lot better than it actually was (but I've just come to the conclusion that birthdays are never as great as you imagine them being). That in turn got me thinking about Carlos and what he gave me as a gift on that day which made me think of the selfish way he'd asked for it back upon our break up. Listening to this song, I'm so grateful for everything I have today. I'm actually earning pretty decent grades in school; I'm a captain of a well-known and reigning champ color guard; I have people who care for me; And I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me. But going back to my openning line, I just feel guilty about it sometimes. Especially when I talk to Carlos... Knowing his ego, he'll probably read this and think "Look at her, talking about me again..." Oh don't get such a huge head. Remember, I don't write convince myself anymore--I write to vindicate my emotions.

I thought a little about it today driving to school... I always told myself that I didn't want Carlos to be one of those stories I told to my kids when I pulled out my high school yearbook (even though it won't really be possible because he didn't submit a senior picture in last year lol), but the fact of the matter is that that's what he'll be. When my kids ask me who my first great love was with, I'll have to recall him from my dusty memory bank and force myself to remember all the details, big and small, of our romance, later questioning where he's to be at that point in life. It's funny how I think I kind of always knew that's what would happen. People don't just end up spending the rest of their lives with the first person you fell head over heels for and I was very well aware of that fact.

But let me be so bold as to say this: It's something I've honestly felt and believed from the moment I fell in love with him; something that still holds true to this moment. I know I'll spend the rest of my days with Myles. When we broke up, he said something that stuck with me. "Maybe I'm just supposed to be the guy that shows you there is a such thing as a good guy, not just dicks who use you." Something to that effect. I can't really explain it, but I know that isn't all he's meant to do for me, and he knows that now as well. How do I say it? I already knew by month two that as much as I loved Carlos, we'd never be together the way I see myself being with Myles. I see myself standing next to him in a church receiting vows to each other; I see him holding my hand through the birth of our child; I see myself waking up to his face every morning; I see him enjoying a meal I've cooked and prepared for him; I see myself growing old beside him; I see us loving one another for the rest of our lives.

And with every belief I have, everything that's ever steered me in the right direction...it's all telling me the same thing: He's the one, the only one, who'll ever be just perfect for me. I don't know how I know, and I don't know why...but I do know that I trust the Universe and I trust God enough for them to both whisper in my ear that this guy isn't just here to be around. When I put it out into the Universe that we'd win the gold, I asked for someone to love me the way I'd wanted to be loved...someone I could love the way I knew I could, it gave me Myles. "This is the best thing, the best thing that could be happening. And I think you would agree the best thing is that it's happening to you and me."