Applause for the Wallflower

Sometimes I feel so guilty for being as happy as I am. I feel like everything that's happened to me in the past four out of five months shouldn't have happened to me. It just all seems so...surreal. Not in an unattainable way, though...if that makes sense. I was just thinking a second ago about my birthday last year. In all honesty, my sixteenth birthday should have been a lot better than it actually was (but I've just come to the conclusion that birthdays are never as great as you imagine them being). That in turn got me thinking about Carlos and what he gave me as a gift on that day which made me think of the selfish way he'd asked for it back upon our break up. Listening to this song, I'm so grateful for everything I have today. I'm actually earning pretty decent grades in school; I'm a captain of a well-known and reigning champ color guard; I have people who care for me; And I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me. But going back to my openning line, I just feel guilty about it sometimes. Especially when I talk to Carlos... Knowing his ego, he'll probably read this and think "Look at her, talking about me again..." Oh don't get such a huge head. Remember, I don't write convince myself anymore--I write to vindicate my emotions.

I thought a little about it today driving to school... I always told myself that I didn't want Carlos to be one of those stories I told to my kids when I pulled out my high school yearbook (even though it won't really be possible because he didn't submit a senior picture in last year lol), but the fact of the matter is that that's what he'll be. When my kids ask me who my first great love was with, I'll have to recall him from my dusty memory bank and force myself to remember all the details, big and small, of our romance, later questioning where he's to be at that point in life. It's funny how I think I kind of always knew that's what would happen. People don't just end up spending the rest of their lives with the first person you fell head over heels for and I was very well aware of that fact.

But let me be so bold as to say this: It's something I've honestly felt and believed from the moment I fell in love with him; something that still holds true to this moment. I know I'll spend the rest of my days with Myles. When we broke up, he said something that stuck with me. "Maybe I'm just supposed to be the guy that shows you there is a such thing as a good guy, not just dicks who use you." Something to that effect. I can't really explain it, but I know that isn't all he's meant to do for me, and he knows that now as well. How do I say it? I already knew by month two that as much as I loved Carlos, we'd never be together the way I see myself being with Myles. I see myself standing next to him in a church receiting vows to each other; I see him holding my hand through the birth of our child; I see myself waking up to his face every morning; I see him enjoying a meal I've cooked and prepared for him; I see myself growing old beside him; I see us loving one another for the rest of our lives.

And with every belief I have, everything that's ever steered me in the right direction...it's all telling me the same thing: He's the one, the only one, who'll ever be just perfect for me. I don't know how I know, and I don't know why...but I do know that I trust the Universe and I trust God enough for them to both whisper in my ear that this guy isn't just here to be around. When I put it out into the Universe that we'd win the gold, I asked for someone to love me the way I'd wanted to be loved...someone I could love the way I knew I could, it gave me Myles. "This is the best thing, the best thing that could be happening. And I think you would agree the best thing is that it's happening to you and me."

I was thinking today about the people in my life. It's funny how I think I can truly depend on two or three people to help me out when I'm honestly in a predicament that's detrimental to my sanity. A friend of mine, Josh, was telling me about how he's helped out so many people, but when they turn around and see him emotionally distressed, they wouldn't lift a finger to help. And that made me think about all the girls in the color guard. Recently, a friend of mine who's been there for me since my freshman year, someone I've grown pretty close with, at least in my standards lol, has taken this really...contemptuous tone with me. I mean I can assume it's probably about her boyfriend (before they started dating, I hooked up with him not knowing she had a crush on him) and although she pretty much forgave me for that, even though there was really nothing to forgive considering the fact that I genuinely had no idea she had a crush on him (because I'm mildly stupid and can't figure out left from right (I still use my fingers, not gonna lie)), I still think she holds a bit of resentment for me and can't really help it. I mean, I totally understand if that's the case, you know? I guess I'd be the same way if I were put in her position, like if a chick from the guard hooked up with Myles before he and I started dating. I'd probably be much worse with the whole resentment factor, but still.

I don't know, just the things she says to me. Like Monday for example. The first thing she tells me besides "Hey," at lunch was "Oh, so the Army Band's deploying to Iraq so Dillon's not joining." I asked how they knew they were going to Iraq and all the general questions you'd ask someone if they were to tell you before your own boyfriend could that he was leaving to go off into a war zone...you know, the typical. HONESTLY. Who in God's name would do that?? Let's think about it for maybe two seconds...one.two. Uhm, no one unless you really want to just be a totally insensitive prick! Not that I'm saying she's an insensitive prick lol. She's not...I just don't think she realized how sensitive of a topic it was. So obviously I said something about Dillon being too much of a pussy to fight in a war (as if they'd even do any real "fighting" anyway) and that if given the chance, I'd do it myself. "Then why don't you join the Army, huh?" "Maybe I will. Good benefits and a great opportunity. I'd serve my country." "Well, I wouldn't. Not this government..." Blah blah blah. And then a similar situation occurred the next day about Homecoming. It's just like "What the fuck man, can you just leave me alone? Must you always try and bring me down?" The whole situation is that our school isn't allowing anyone outside of our student body to attend our Homecoming this year and because Myles doesn't go to school with us, or at all, he won't be allowed to go. But I was thinking about it today and it's the same situation with Jeni, another friend of ours. She won't be able to bring her boyfriend to Homecoming either, but Sara would have never mentioned it to her so contemptuously. I don't really know what to make of it. It really bothers me that it seems like all she wants to do is bring me down, but at the same time, I don't want to confront her about it either because if I do, it might be detrimental to our "friendship." I dunno...we'll see what happens. I guess I'll just keep it to myself for now. It's not like there's really much I can do. That is, of course, assuming she doesn't keep throwing shit in my face. Then I'll react. But for now, it is what it is.

I keep trying to post a blog about everything that's happened in the last week, but it's just so hard to get my thoughts right these days. I was trying to write an entry yesterday about Saturday night, but that never happened because it's so hard to describe. But I'm determined now to do it before I start homework.

So Myles and I went out on a "pretty date" on Saturday night. We got all dolled up and went to this new restaurant, Brimstone (which we'll be calling to reserve a table before we go there again), that was absolutely amazing. I went out and bought a dress and some heels (which are now going to simultaneously become church shoes :D), I did my make-up and got all pretty, and Myles showed up in a suit. We left and ended up having to wait an hour in the car for the first available table...but it was totally worth the wait. Besides that, an hour with him is like no time at all... So we sat in the car and the whole time, he told me how much he was in love with me and held me in his arms close to his chest so I'd hear his heart beat.

It's so easy to say he's the perfect man for me, but that just wouldn't do him justice. Its funny how much I've fallen in love with him all over again since we've gotten back together. I mean, that's not to say I didn't already know how much he meant to me, but what I do mean to say is that I'm now able to express in full how I feel for him without having to hold anything back in fear of humiliation. I won't lie, for the first couple of days, I felt like we were all the way back at square one in those days where we used to fight all the time. I was thinking about it and I have no idea what was the cause of all that and how we got out of it. Just day after day, we'd fight and fight and fight over the stupidest little things. And then all of a sudden, we just started getting along.

I honestly have no idea where this is going lol... I'm so tired...I'll try picking up the thought soon. I'm not in a writing state of mind, although I'd love to be able to express my love for Myles so perfectly at this very moment, I just can't. So for now, the gist of it is that he's the most amazing person that's walked into my life and changed me in a really long time. And I hope he's here to stay.

Listening to this album, Boys Like Girls, it brings me back to winter season when everything with Carlos pretty much beat me to a bloody pulp. It's so funny how much things have changed since then. I listen to all these songs I thought were so easily relatable to my situation with him, but now knowing the information that I do about what actually happened (all the while, still not knowing quite everything though), I almost want to slap myself in the forehead and say "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING??" Yeah, it's like that.

I haven't honestly thought about that whole part of the year till recently when Carlos started calling and texting. I think I missed one of his calls the other day while I was on the phone with my mom or something, but it's just weird being on the phone with him again. It's weird talking to him. I can't really explain it. Well, I can. I guess it's because I'm not the same Kristina he knew. I'm different, definitely different. I'm definitely more mature and I'm not going to swoon at his every word anymore. I'm not at his beck and call and I'm a better person for it. So when I talk to him and I notice when he uses the same techniques he used to when he'd try to win be back, instead of falling head over heels for him, I roll my eyes and pray that something comes up so I can tell him I'll call him later. I know it's terrible, but a lot of the time, and maybe it's just because that's the Carlos I'm used to, but it just seems like he's always trying to convince me that we'll be together again.

Let me use an example. The first couple times we'd talked after resolving our issues, he'd asked if I'd ever hook up with him again because I missed him. Mind you, I was dating Myles at the time and he was fully aware of that. I told him I didn't think so because I was past that part of my life, and his response was "Well, we'll see when you come up here for college at NYU." Something about that statement just disgusts me. "We'll see when you come up here for college." As if time was going to change my opinions? As if I'd ever want to be subjected to such humiliation ever again in my entire life? Yes, I miss having Carlos around...but that doesn't mean I miss because totally used by him. Being with Myles has definitely shown me the difference between being with someone who truly cares, and someone who cares, but has other intentions in mind. The main difference though is that with Myles, there's never any doubt in my mind whether the words from his mouth are the God's-Honest-Truth. With Carlos, I was never sure. To this day as mentioned earlier, there are still things that he did while we were dating and while we were "talking" that I have no idea about. Girls I'd learned about just a month or so ago, things he'd done with them... Even when he tells me stories, I always feel the need to lie and tell him I believe him when he validates himself because I'll never honestly believe a word from his mouth.

I could sit here and say that it's all his fault that I don't trust him. To be totally honest, in the end, a lot of it was his fault. Ok, all of it was his fault in the end. But during the course of our relationship, there was no reason for me not to believe him... I just don't know why I never did...

I guess it doesn't much matter anymore. I think if I were ever to run back to him, it would be simply a familiarity causing me to drift that direction, not that I'd ever have a reason to having the perfect man at my side now :) But we'll see what the future brings. If the past month has taught me anything, it's 1) patience and 2) never count on anyone but yourself in the mortal world because you never know what decisions someone else will make that will effect you...and the worst part is that you have absolutely no control over what they decide. All you can do is sit back and say "Shit, guess I'm going down the scenic route again."

Winona told me it would take time for him to come full circle, and finally he did. To be quite honest, I wasn't thinking it would be this soon. On Thursday was pretty much when this all started. Myles surprised me with a bunch of roses and all these cute little light up plastics ducks in my car. Friday, he surprised me again by coming to the football game with his sister Chelsea whom I've become quite close to. On Friday night outside of Fuddruckers, he held me in his arms like he used to and kept repeating that he loved me, calling me baby a few times (once is a fluke, twice is an accident, three times is intention). I talked to him through text all day yesterday. And at night, I told him what had happened with Alex, a person I should dedicate an entry to by himself. In any case, I told him what I'd done... I didn't really have to explain circumstances, one because I don't think he would have wanted me to, and two, I think he probably already knew. Either way, the rest of the night was pretty quiet... And today...when I saw him at church, he'd greeted me by my car, as he pulled in the parking lot just after me. He pulled me in tight and, because I moved my head, kissed my cheek. Realizing what he'd meant to do, I moved it back and kissed him softly where it hit me the most. After church, I went home to take a nap and woke up the buzzing of my text messages. He asked me if I wanted to go out for ice cream or something cold for my throat. When I met him, I got into his car, hugged him tight and kissed him unsurely. I told myself on Thursday night that I wouldn't read into anything from that point on. Everything he did for me was just because he was a nice guy, because he was my best friend. I made it a point to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it almost did. A couple minutes into me sitting opposite him, he looked at me in the eyes and told me he wanted to talk to about something. Automatically my face fell just because I didn't know what he was going to say. He explained to me how he couldn't live without me...how he's talked to me everyday and finds himself wanting to keep me around...and the fact that I'd told him about Alex and he still loved me was another thing he'd taken into consideration.

All in all, the gist of the story is that we're together now. I would have waited forever if I needed to, but I didn't. "We're perfect. Let's show everyone else we are." I agree.