Applause for the Wallflower

For a long time, I've avoid writing this entry. I look back now, not because I've just turned 17, not because it's been a year since that life-changing event, not because I'm with someone I love, and not because I see myself where I should be, but because my regret and guilt has grown so immense that I simply cannot bare to keep it pent up any longer, plain and simple. Truth be told, I don't feel reflection upon my life is completely necessary, however I don't think it would be totally right of me, or very possible, to express myself without giving a recollection of the things that's happened.

I look at what's been... Six months ago is just about when it started, maybe five and a half months. Innocent as can be, at least on my end. How was I to know what would happen? I've always known that I wasn't going to be the one to show you the love and kindness you deserve, yet I tried anyway. I went weeks without talking to you because I knew how destructive it would be to my primary and essential source of happiness. But the fact of the matter is that a few months later, look at what happened.

I hate knowing you're standing there on the same field as me, separated merely by a few feet and and some band members; I hate sitting in the stands at football games with you able to peer down and see me, even though I know you don't; I have seeing you as I pass you by in hallways; I hate pretending not to look at you when you're passing by; but to tell you the truth, what I hate the most is knowing that once the last football game's over, I'll never have an excuse to be near you ever again. I hate not having closure...leaving it at "God, he hates me," and without having a fool-proof excuse for me to be around, I don't know if I'll ever get that desired closure I've so badly wanted since this all happened.

I can't imagine how much thinking he must have done, how much courage it must have taken him to tell me he couldn't do it anymore. Or maybe the decision, the choice, was an easy one. I don't even remember how it all played out, to tell you the truth. One minute, we were meeting each other after I got off work, the next he was sending me hate messages on facebook. And all that time in between, I questioned my moral code, what I was doing, and if I was hurting myself more, or the boys I had tangled up in my web of deceit. In essence, I think life would have been much simpler without the presence of the few dates we'd been on, the whirl-wind make-out sessions in the back seat of my car, and "that one time," but the past is the past and no matter how many times I try to alter the course of my actions, nothing will ever be different.

But even so, I'm still me. I'm the still the same girl who hates when people dislike her. I'm still the girl who'd rather apologize for something that'll probably never be fixed than to leave it be. Every now and then when I know he's somewhere close, I'll steal a glance because I know there'll be none of those in the future. And even less frequently than that, I'll turn my head to put my eye on him for a moment and see that just as discreetly as I tried to be, he put his eye on me for a second. Its like that quote: "I love when you look at me because I know for at least one second, I ran through your mind." I guess to say I'm content with that is an understatement.

But I guess there's really no way to end this entry on a happy note as nothing's resolved and will likely remain unresolved for the rest of my life. So I'll say this: Nothing makes me happier than being with the one I love. He makes me smile the way no one else can; he makes me laugh harder than anyone; he makes me a better person. No one can change what he's given me and what he'll continue to give me for the rest of my life. But sometimes...I think as humans, we all just require a little more than what's infront of us.