Applause for the Wallflower

For a long time, I've avoid writing this entry. I look back now, not because I've just turned 17, not because it's been a year since that life-changing event, not because I'm with someone I love, and not because I see myself where I should be, but because my regret and guilt has grown so immense that I simply cannot bare to keep it pent up any longer, plain and simple. Truth be told, I don't feel reflection upon my life is completely necessary, however I don't think it would be totally right of me, or very possible, to express myself without giving a recollection of the things that's happened.

I look at what's been... Six months ago is just about when it started, maybe five and a half months. Innocent as can be, at least on my end. How was I to know what would happen? I've always known that I wasn't going to be the one to show you the love and kindness you deserve, yet I tried anyway. I went weeks without talking to you because I knew how destructive it would be to my primary and essential source of happiness. But the fact of the matter is that a few months later, look at what happened.

I hate knowing you're standing there on the same field as me, separated merely by a few feet and and some band members; I hate sitting in the stands at football games with you able to peer down and see me, even though I know you don't; I have seeing you as I pass you by in hallways; I hate pretending not to look at you when you're passing by; but to tell you the truth, what I hate the most is knowing that once the last football game's over, I'll never have an excuse to be near you ever again. I hate not having closure...leaving it at "God, he hates me," and without having a fool-proof excuse for me to be around, I don't know if I'll ever get that desired closure I've so badly wanted since this all happened.

I can't imagine how much thinking he must have done, how much courage it must have taken him to tell me he couldn't do it anymore. Or maybe the decision, the choice, was an easy one. I don't even remember how it all played out, to tell you the truth. One minute, we were meeting each other after I got off work, the next he was sending me hate messages on facebook. And all that time in between, I questioned my moral code, what I was doing, and if I was hurting myself more, or the boys I had tangled up in my web of deceit. In essence, I think life would have been much simpler without the presence of the few dates we'd been on, the whirl-wind make-out sessions in the back seat of my car, and "that one time," but the past is the past and no matter how many times I try to alter the course of my actions, nothing will ever be different.

But even so, I'm still me. I'm the still the same girl who hates when people dislike her. I'm still the girl who'd rather apologize for something that'll probably never be fixed than to leave it be. Every now and then when I know he's somewhere close, I'll steal a glance because I know there'll be none of those in the future. And even less frequently than that, I'll turn my head to put my eye on him for a moment and see that just as discreetly as I tried to be, he put his eye on me for a second. Its like that quote: "I love when you look at me because I know for at least one second, I ran through your mind." I guess to say I'm content with that is an understatement.

But I guess there's really no way to end this entry on a happy note as nothing's resolved and will likely remain unresolved for the rest of my life. So I'll say this: Nothing makes me happier than being with the one I love. He makes me smile the way no one else can; he makes me laugh harder than anyone; he makes me a better person. No one can change what he's given me and what he'll continue to give me for the rest of my life. But sometimes...I think as humans, we all just require a little more than what's infront of us.

First of all, I can't believe it's almost been a month since I've posted on here. I guess in essence, nothing's really been too terrible for me to be posting frequently (which is usually the main reason I write, to express any major discontent...ments (is that a word??)) Actually, everything's been quite the opposite. Life has been undeniably blissful recently and it's doing me wonders.

So I was thinking just a few moments ago how my most favorite time of the day is at night when I get my finally call of the night from Myles. As much as I enjoy sleep, I'd much rather talk to him than anything else. But what I've realized is that it's not just the talking that makes it my favorite time of the day; it's the fact that he's there. Ever since the beginning, I've said the same thing: he could be dead asleep and his snores could put me into a state of tranquility, gently laying me into my own cradle of peace. And each morning when I wake up, or in the middle of the night when I realize the other line is much too silent, I'm disappointed each time I find my phone's died and we're no longer connected by the technology that holds us together, or that I stupidly rolled over in my sleep and my phone's shut closed, disrupting the line. Like right now for example, I'm typing this with him sitting less than a foot away from me, sleeping soundly...the phone, that is. But the fact that he's there, his presence, provides this sort of protection I find I often lack when I fall asleep "alone." In any case, I think you get the point.

It must be nice to be him...having an open book to my feelings and insight on many of the issues that run my mind. I mean all he has to do is click the bookmarked link, and there's my blog, right there for him to see. Sometimes I wish I had that from him... It's so much easier than having to ask him, and sometimes it's a little more beneficial to read it when he's talking to himself than when he's talking directly to me. I mean it's not like everyone's the "journaling type," but it would be nice to have the option open lol. But I guess the question is what would I have to read that he hasn't told me? Hmmm. That is the question.

In any case, the fact of the matter is that life is going quite smoothly for the time being. No major bumps in the road, no sudden pit falls. All things feel as if they are in place, in that orderly fashion as if God himself had hand-picked these circumstances for me telling me that this is my reward for sticking through everything that's hit me in the past. I'm so glad I'm not where I was a year ago. Come to think of it...it's been a year since...that. Boy oh boy, I am glad I'm not there anymore. I shudder to imagine what my life would be if I'd still been there. I'd be swimming in a sea of mediocrity, drowning in my own self-pity this I am sure. Oh, how Myles has saved me...how eternally indebted I am to him for showing me the good in a man's heart. And the most wonderful constituent about all of this: I am not alone. Ever.