Applause for the Wallflower

It's been almost a year. Actually, about a week shy of a major event I will never forget. I won't sit here and say I'll always remember the exact date, the very moment...but I'll never forget how it made me feel. I don't want to reflect anymore because I feel like I'm past the point of reflection, however, I do want to make it clear, to myself of all people, that there is no more of me going back to how it used to be. I was so careless...so reckless. I never looked back at my actions, the consequences of the things I'd done, but this is different now.

I look at myself now and how much I've changed--how much my situation has changed. I used to feel so comfortable where I was but here...this is comfort, honest and true. But it forces me to question whether in a few years from now, if I'll think the same way. Will this still be considered a major comfort to me? I guess my real question is whether or not I will still be in love the way I am now through the passing of time. I was thinking about all the things I'd told myself were the reasons I was in love with Carlos back in the day. I assume they were real at the time, but thinking about it, were they? I know I loved him, but how did I know? I guess maybe it was the comfort (there's that word again) and the safety (but was it safe?) that drove me back to him all those times, but it's comfort and safety now too. With Myles though, there's no pretending; there's no watching what I say in hopes of not upsetting him; there are rarely tears; there're no fears. I smile so much more these days and there is no need for hope that someone would save me. I guess it's all in the past and I have no need to look back now.

I actually just wanted to vent about how terribly I still feel about how I'd been played for a fool back then. Oh well. And to quote myself... "Annnnnd cut."