Applause for the Wallflower

It's been almost a year. Actually, about a week shy of a major event I will never forget. I won't sit here and say I'll always remember the exact date, the very moment...but I'll never forget how it made me feel. I don't want to reflect anymore because I feel like I'm past the point of reflection, however, I do want to make it clear, to myself of all people, that there is no more of me going back to how it used to be. I was so careless...so reckless. I never looked back at my actions, the consequences of the things I'd done, but this is different now.

I look at myself now and how much I've changed--how much my situation has changed. I used to feel so comfortable where I was but here...this is comfort, honest and true. But it forces me to question whether in a few years from now, if I'll think the same way. Will this still be considered a major comfort to me? I guess my real question is whether or not I will still be in love the way I am now through the passing of time. I was thinking about all the things I'd told myself were the reasons I was in love with Carlos back in the day. I assume they were real at the time, but thinking about it, were they? I know I loved him, but how did I know? I guess maybe it was the comfort (there's that word again) and the safety (but was it safe?) that drove me back to him all those times, but it's comfort and safety now too. With Myles though, there's no pretending; there's no watching what I say in hopes of not upsetting him; there are rarely tears; there're no fears. I smile so much more these days and there is no need for hope that someone would save me. I guess it's all in the past and I have no need to look back now.

I actually just wanted to vent about how terribly I still feel about how I'd been played for a fool back then. Oh well. And to quote myself... "Annnnnd cut."

I love that he appreciates me, and I love that when I'm not feeling well, or when we get into a massive fight, he always says "I never want to lose you." I love that we fight, and I love that we have opposing opinions and still find common ground. I love that he's never missed a beat. I love that I love his sister. I love that his car is as messy as my room. I love that baby voice of his he uses when I don't feel well (like today :]). I love that I get to watch him perform sometimes, too, and I love that he's come to more of my competitions in one season than anyone else has in my entire life. I love that he orders my dinners at retaurants, and I love that he pulls out my chair at the table, opens my car door, holds my bag, and drives me around in my car.

There is so much that I love about him, I couldn't possibly list each and every single one of those reasons. I've written blogs like this before and each time, I say the same things. But with him, he does everything so right that each time he does something, anything, I appreciate it the moment it occurs.

I look back now at all those months I'd been hurt. But the fact of the matter is that this does no good. I don't need to linger in the past to appreciate what I've got in the present. All I need to know is that I'm in love with this man, and this man is in love with me.

It's almost as if each time I'm with him, all these points are made exceedingly clear. I'm so in love and nothing could possibly be better than this feeling now--the world could turn upside down and I could lose each and every single thing I find most important to me, but as long as I'd have this constant, I'd find a way to survive. I know it.