Applause for the Wallflower

I think I've already posted a blog with this title. I can't remember. Almost 500 posts and you'd think I'd remember a few of them. To tell you the truth, I can't really remember many but maybe one or two off the top of my head.

So I'm in class again doing nothing. We don't ever do anything in this class, I don't know why I just don't skip it. But that wouldn't be right. It would be pointless to get in trouble for doing the same thing I'd be doing in here. I told Myles about what I was thinking about last night. I can definitely tell I'm PMSing now because after thinking about it all day, I started crying in the middle of stretch block with all that in mind. All I kept repeating in my head was that we loved each other so much but the circumstances were going to get in the way and we were going to break up soon. After buying his gift (which I won't disclose because its very likely that he'll read my blog before Christmas), clearly anticipating our future, I just kept thinking how we'd never get to the next step, the next year. "Will this be 'Our First Christmas' and our last?" "Will we ever get to decorate a tree like he wants to?" "Will we still love each other despite all our internal differences?" There's no way I could predict the answers to these questions. It's so hard writing this, knowing the possibility of us not being together soon because of all these differences in opinion. I used to think it would be interesting to live with someone who would probably never vote for the same President, someone to always have intelligent conversations about the opposite opinions with, someone to disagree with because lord knows I love it. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how it isn't for the sake opposition I should be thankful to share the rest of my life with someone; it should be for the agreement of your lifestyle, the way you want to live. If you can't agree on these key components of life, no amount of love could help the fact that no matter what, you'll always want something else.

All of this scares me. What if we don't make it? What if we don't figure it out... After I'd told him last night, he was really quiet. Later he started texting me saying that he loved everything about me and my purpose-driven personality, how he strives to be like me now the he understands the importance of proper planning. Honestly, I'm so glad he understands why I had to bring it up. I know it's stupid for a couple kids to talk about things like this, but people have gotten married after being together for a shorter about of time as us. And we love each other--we've talked about all these things, about being together for the rest of our lives and having kids and making a home together. So why we wouldn't talk about the real meshing of our lives is beyond me. Like I said, I'm really relieved that he understands. I'm just trying to avoid as much heartache as possible, on both our parts, and I'm sure he can appreciate that.

So now I'm just counting down the days till he's home... Now it's just four more days and I have him back in my arms--the longest we've gone without seeing each other, even when we weren't together. I miss him so much, it's crazy. I think it was the hardest when he'd first left because the realization of him being gone hadn't quite hit me till a couple days later and I was still swimming in double digits. But now that we're done to a single-handed countdown, I think the days should move much quicker and when he's home, it'll be like he never left. It's always that way with us. That's how I know that we're so perfect for each other. I know all these differences will be resolved in time, it's just a matter of talking about it and coming to compromise.

I just suck at compromise.