Applause for the Wallflower

They say a smell, a scent, can bring you back to a time, to the time you'd first caught whiff of it. This Christmas scent did not remind me of years before when I was younger and was too excited to open gifts to sleep. It didn't remind me of the happy, few moments I spent with my family around the tree, nor of Christmas dinner. No, this scent reminded me of the last time I'd spent a peaceful moment, that I can remember, with Carlos. It was about fifteen or twenty minutes before the second 9-9 of the New Year, or something to that effect, and I'd been dropped off early. He'd lain across his new used pick-up truck, courtesy of his dad, so no one could see him...but I knew he was there. As soon as I could, I walked to the passenger side door, opened it, heaved myself into the heated compartment and lifted his head into my lap. For some reason, in those last few moments of peace with him, it opened up something new to me. Maybe not opened persay, but awakened a sense of completion, though the feeling, I didn't know just then. Though the tell-tale signs of the end were there--that night was the last time we'd kiss as a couple.

Now that I think about it, I can't remember the exact date we'd broken up, but I can remember that scent... And I remember each time I'd kissed him in that same frigid cold I seemed to meet him in, that same scent rose through the air and found my nose. It was never easy going back to life without him, but dammit, it was sure easy to fall back into his arms and the more I think about this time of year, the more it reminds me of how sad I'd been. I can't really remember being all that upset, but somehow in my heart of hearts, I know that that feeling just wasn't right, that as much as I love that scent, it was never meant to last, never meant to linger.

I wonder what it will be like with him down here in Florida again. I often wonder what it would be like if he'd still lived here. Sometimes I'll sit here on my computer, open up a facebook tab on Explorer, and wait for him to sign on. But never do I have the nerve to open a chatbox and say something. What is there to say? I've spoken all I can. Sometimes I'll be in class and contemplate sending him a text asking him how his day is. But why ask when I already know the answer?

I don't regret anything that has happened with an since Carlos. But that doesn't mean I don't question what life would be like if he plucked up the courage to sweep me off my feet one last time. What would I do? What would he say? But most importantly, what would Myles do? I love him so much, it hurts sometimes; I trust him like I've never trusted anyone. And with safety in mind, as well as my heart, why do I still allow my mind to wander on the things I have no interest in learning?

They call it Human Nature.