Applause for the Wallflower

I can't believe I've had this blog for so long. When I think about it, 500 posts in almost four years isn't much, but there's so much of my life documented on these blog pages, it's ridiculous.

I was thinking last night about how things have all developed in the last few years of my life. A lot to remember, and certainly a lot to forget. Myles and I started an exchange of words and tears about, to be totally honest, I have no idea. It started with New Years plans and then it got to friends, I think, and all this stuff started to be said and then I forgot where we were going... Before I knew it, we were on the road to resolution, making pacts and laughing at jokes. But then I got home and after hanging up with him as he got to Ross's, I started thinking about how much of my life there seems to be missing, how I'm only young once. It's funny how everyone I'm surrounded by, family included now, seems to think Myles and I are right for each other. You figure at this age, you'll have a difficult time trying to convince your family and friends that you've found "the one," however we've both seemed to have at least a couple of our own family members' minds wrapped around the idea.

But all of this thought of the future...it reminds me that sometimes I need to go backwards to get a grasp on what I need in the future. I'm making plans tonight to reconnect with Lennon. It's been so long, I think we need to catch up a little. I used to talk to him every day, and quite frankly, I don't know what happened.

To be honest, I don't really know what going on anymore. I feel everything I once held in a tight grasp is loose from my hand and I no longer hve control over what's happening in my life. For now, I'm letting the waves sway me back and forth and it's killing my spirit. I'm left in a sea that's every man for himself, leaving me stifled for clean, crisp air and all it's gotten me was wasted off a memory of luminousity. I dare not say a word to anyone around me. Who do I trust to understand what I say without blaming himself for the debris? This is the result of no one but myself. In being as selfless as to take the blame for such harsh accussation is a selfish act in itself. I caused this. Not you. Now I must fix it. Perhaps we'll both understand each other's role this past summer, my love...