Applause for the Wallflower

I can't believe it's the last day of 2008. December 31st is always that day that people take into consideration the progression of the year they'd lived, the things that happened, the people they met, things they did. I was thinking about where I was around this time of year in 2007 last night and the first thing that popped into my head was when I wrote a comment on Carlos's myspace about walking into the New Year with him and how I was so glad that it was him I loved and that we'd spend the year together in peace. Boy oh boy... Sometimes it makes me so sad to think about how much I'd done with him that went so unappreciated. I guess it's easy to say we're all far beyond the point of reminiscing those hard times, though.

Man, so much in the past year, I can't believe it's 2008 is actually coming to a close. Thinking about everything that I've been through, from Carlos, to Myles, the gold medal to the re-building, from member to captain, losing friends and growing cold...it's all happened so fast. Where did time go? Truth be told, I'm a little sad to have to welcome 2009 into my life, but that has one positive: that just mean 2010 is one more year closer and that means I'll be out of this condemnation soon!

I think I had one of those days yesterday, the kind where you don't feel like doing anything but force yourself out of the house because you know it'll better you. It was one of those days where you just felt like crying all day even though you really didn't have a reason. Sometimes I forget how much I have and those are the times you really need someone to put it into perspective for you. The truth is I really lead a lonely life. I'm surrounded by people day in and day out. Kids from the guard, friends, classmates. But in those people-filled environments, I always manage to feel like the only one in the room, vacant. I interact, I laugh, I joke...but I couldn't ever call these people if I were in a state of emergency. The fact of the matter is that I don't trust them to care enough about me to want to be there. But I went out with Lennon for a little yesterday evening just to catch up and he said something that really defined how I've been feeling, something I should take into consideration. "At least you have Myles. Most people don't have something like that." Something to that effect. But it's true. I love him so much and it's sad that I take it for granted sometimes that so many people in this world have to resort to desperate means of finding their soul mate. I didn't have to do a thing because my soul mate found me. And as lonely as I feel, he'll always be there for me, whether I'm not there, whether I push him away, or whether his presence is elsewhere. Sure, neither of us are perfect and we have a lot to learn from one another still, but our love is so genunine and true that I don't think anything could ruin it.

So here's to 2009. My buffer into life, the year I'll probably never remember.