Applause for the Wallflower

I can't believe it's the last day of 2008. December 31st is always that day that people take into consideration the progression of the year they'd lived, the things that happened, the people they met, things they did. I was thinking about where I was around this time of year in 2007 last night and the first thing that popped into my head was when I wrote a comment on Carlos's myspace about walking into the New Year with him and how I was so glad that it was him I loved and that we'd spend the year together in peace. Boy oh boy... Sometimes it makes me so sad to think about how much I'd done with him that went so unappreciated. I guess it's easy to say we're all far beyond the point of reminiscing those hard times, though.

Man, so much in the past year, I can't believe it's 2008 is actually coming to a close. Thinking about everything that I've been through, from Carlos, to Myles, the gold medal to the re-building, from member to captain, losing friends and growing cold...it's all happened so fast. Where did time go? Truth be told, I'm a little sad to have to welcome 2009 into my life, but that has one positive: that just mean 2010 is one more year closer and that means I'll be out of this condemnation soon!

I think I had one of those days yesterday, the kind where you don't feel like doing anything but force yourself out of the house because you know it'll better you. It was one of those days where you just felt like crying all day even though you really didn't have a reason. Sometimes I forget how much I have and those are the times you really need someone to put it into perspective for you. The truth is I really lead a lonely life. I'm surrounded by people day in and day out. Kids from the guard, friends, classmates. But in those people-filled environments, I always manage to feel like the only one in the room, vacant. I interact, I laugh, I joke...but I couldn't ever call these people if I were in a state of emergency. The fact of the matter is that I don't trust them to care enough about me to want to be there. But I went out with Lennon for a little yesterday evening just to catch up and he said something that really defined how I've been feeling, something I should take into consideration. "At least you have Myles. Most people don't have something like that." Something to that effect. But it's true. I love him so much and it's sad that I take it for granted sometimes that so many people in this world have to resort to desperate means of finding their soul mate. I didn't have to do a thing because my soul mate found me. And as lonely as I feel, he'll always be there for me, whether I'm not there, whether I push him away, or whether his presence is elsewhere. Sure, neither of us are perfect and we have a lot to learn from one another still, but our love is so genunine and true that I don't think anything could ruin it.

So here's to 2009. My buffer into life, the year I'll probably never remember.

I can't believe I've had this blog for so long. When I think about it, 500 posts in almost four years isn't much, but there's so much of my life documented on these blog pages, it's ridiculous.

I was thinking last night about how things have all developed in the last few years of my life. A lot to remember, and certainly a lot to forget. Myles and I started an exchange of words and tears about, to be totally honest, I have no idea. It started with New Years plans and then it got to friends, I think, and all this stuff started to be said and then I forgot where we were going... Before I knew it, we were on the road to resolution, making pacts and laughing at jokes. But then I got home and after hanging up with him as he got to Ross's, I started thinking about how much of my life there seems to be missing, how I'm only young once. It's funny how everyone I'm surrounded by, family included now, seems to think Myles and I are right for each other. You figure at this age, you'll have a difficult time trying to convince your family and friends that you've found "the one," however we've both seemed to have at least a couple of our own family members' minds wrapped around the idea.

But all of this thought of the future...it reminds me that sometimes I need to go backwards to get a grasp on what I need in the future. I'm making plans tonight to reconnect with Lennon. It's been so long, I think we need to catch up a little. I used to talk to him every day, and quite frankly, I don't know what happened.

To be honest, I don't really know what going on anymore. I feel everything I once held in a tight grasp is loose from my hand and I no longer hve control over what's happening in my life. For now, I'm letting the waves sway me back and forth and it's killing my spirit. I'm left in a sea that's every man for himself, leaving me stifled for clean, crisp air and all it's gotten me was wasted off a memory of luminousity. I dare not say a word to anyone around me. Who do I trust to understand what I say without blaming himself for the debris? This is the result of no one but myself. In being as selfless as to take the blame for such harsh accussation is a selfish act in itself. I caused this. Not you. Now I must fix it. Perhaps we'll both understand each other's role this past summer, my love...

They say a smell, a scent, can bring you back to a time, to the time you'd first caught whiff of it. This Christmas scent did not remind me of years before when I was younger and was too excited to open gifts to sleep. It didn't remind me of the happy, few moments I spent with my family around the tree, nor of Christmas dinner. No, this scent reminded me of the last time I'd spent a peaceful moment, that I can remember, with Carlos. It was about fifteen or twenty minutes before the second 9-9 of the New Year, or something to that effect, and I'd been dropped off early. He'd lain across his new used pick-up truck, courtesy of his dad, so no one could see him...but I knew he was there. As soon as I could, I walked to the passenger side door, opened it, heaved myself into the heated compartment and lifted his head into my lap. For some reason, in those last few moments of peace with him, it opened up something new to me. Maybe not opened persay, but awakened a sense of completion, though the feeling, I didn't know just then. Though the tell-tale signs of the end were there--that night was the last time we'd kiss as a couple.

Now that I think about it, I can't remember the exact date we'd broken up, but I can remember that scent... And I remember each time I'd kissed him in that same frigid cold I seemed to meet him in, that same scent rose through the air and found my nose. It was never easy going back to life without him, but dammit, it was sure easy to fall back into his arms and the more I think about this time of year, the more it reminds me of how sad I'd been. I can't really remember being all that upset, but somehow in my heart of hearts, I know that that feeling just wasn't right, that as much as I love that scent, it was never meant to last, never meant to linger.

I wonder what it will be like with him down here in Florida again. I often wonder what it would be like if he'd still lived here. Sometimes I'll sit here on my computer, open up a facebook tab on Explorer, and wait for him to sign on. But never do I have the nerve to open a chatbox and say something. What is there to say? I've spoken all I can. Sometimes I'll be in class and contemplate sending him a text asking him how his day is. But why ask when I already know the answer?

I don't regret anything that has happened with an since Carlos. But that doesn't mean I don't question what life would be like if he plucked up the courage to sweep me off my feet one last time. What would I do? What would he say? But most importantly, what would Myles do? I love him so much, it hurts sometimes; I trust him like I've never trusted anyone. And with safety in mind, as well as my heart, why do I still allow my mind to wander on the things I have no interest in learning?

They call it Human Nature.

I think I've already posted a blog with this title. I can't remember. Almost 500 posts and you'd think I'd remember a few of them. To tell you the truth, I can't really remember many but maybe one or two off the top of my head.

So I'm in class again doing nothing. We don't ever do anything in this class, I don't know why I just don't skip it. But that wouldn't be right. It would be pointless to get in trouble for doing the same thing I'd be doing in here. I told Myles about what I was thinking about last night. I can definitely tell I'm PMSing now because after thinking about it all day, I started crying in the middle of stretch block with all that in mind. All I kept repeating in my head was that we loved each other so much but the circumstances were going to get in the way and we were going to break up soon. After buying his gift (which I won't disclose because its very likely that he'll read my blog before Christmas), clearly anticipating our future, I just kept thinking how we'd never get to the next step, the next year. "Will this be 'Our First Christmas' and our last?" "Will we ever get to decorate a tree like he wants to?" "Will we still love each other despite all our internal differences?" There's no way I could predict the answers to these questions. It's so hard writing this, knowing the possibility of us not being together soon because of all these differences in opinion. I used to think it would be interesting to live with someone who would probably never vote for the same President, someone to always have intelligent conversations about the opposite opinions with, someone to disagree with because lord knows I love it. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how it isn't for the sake opposition I should be thankful to share the rest of my life with someone; it should be for the agreement of your lifestyle, the way you want to live. If you can't agree on these key components of life, no amount of love could help the fact that no matter what, you'll always want something else.

All of this scares me. What if we don't make it? What if we don't figure it out... After I'd told him last night, he was really quiet. Later he started texting me saying that he loved everything about me and my purpose-driven personality, how he strives to be like me now the he understands the importance of proper planning. Honestly, I'm so glad he understands why I had to bring it up. I know it's stupid for a couple kids to talk about things like this, but people have gotten married after being together for a shorter about of time as us. And we love each other--we've talked about all these things, about being together for the rest of our lives and having kids and making a home together. So why we wouldn't talk about the real meshing of our lives is beyond me. Like I said, I'm really relieved that he understands. I'm just trying to avoid as much heartache as possible, on both our parts, and I'm sure he can appreciate that.

So now I'm just counting down the days till he's home... Now it's just four more days and I have him back in my arms--the longest we've gone without seeing each other, even when we weren't together. I miss him so much, it's crazy. I think it was the hardest when he'd first left because the realization of him being gone hadn't quite hit me till a couple days later and I was still swimming in double digits. But now that we're done to a single-handed countdown, I think the days should move much quicker and when he's home, it'll be like he never left. It's always that way with us. That's how I know that we're so perfect for each other. I know all these differences will be resolved in time, it's just a matter of talking about it and coming to compromise.

I just suck at compromise.

I wonder sometimes if Myles and I are right for each other. Everything we believe, our views, our families are just the absolute opposite. His belief in God and Christianity; his right wing tendencies; his very very very conservative/religious family. I like the person I am, the views I hold, and the beliefs my family has enstilled in me. I was thinking about it the other day...about how Myles and I are so willing to be together through so much, but in the real factors that decide a life with another, we disagree on everything.

He's at an Army school right now and with the holiday season coming up, I've been thinking a lot about how I'll spend the holidays with my family when I'm older and have a family all my own. And it dawned on me. I go to church for myself. I go because I needed to know what it was like to discover the truth for myself--to know that my family didn't believe for a reason. The personal experience of actually attending, being open-minded to the acceptance of religion into my life really made me realize how much more I believe in and see their contradictions and hypocracy than the religion and faith itself. As a parent, I know it will be my responsibility to teach my children morality and right from wrong, but that is not for an institution to decide, to teach them. I believe that a parent should guide and when they are old enough, they must decide for themselves what they believe it right for them, to live the lifestyle they choose, whether liberal, conservative, religious or not, happy or sad, straight or gay. I have no right, no matter whether or not I'd been the one to bring them into the world and cared for them, interfer in my child's life and their own individual rights as a person, as a human, to decide who he or she wants to become. To me, that it what raising my child in a religious setting would be. The fact that so many hypocracies are presented to worshipers who don't even recognize them...the belief in Pro-Life and the contradiction of Pro-War and Anti-Gun Control--even the promotion of World Peace while not even attempting to hide the contempt for other religions and prejudice for other races. How could I, as a responsibile parent to my future children, allow myself to introduce them to a world that knows nothing but fear and a false sense of protection in something that simply allows someone to fall asleep easier at night?

I show no contempt for the people I have met in church. These people, as hypocritical I believe them to be, are some of the nicest and welcoming people I've met. I don't believe it is them that I have to distrust--it is the institution of the Church I have to distrust. I believe it in my best interest to say this: Without those few months of my personal trials and my search to find faith, I would not have become the strong-set person I am now, so in essence, I am thankful for this. But I know now that my beliefs are set and my family was right all along. I guess we are not as different as I once believed.

I don't have much time in class to write this, but I'm bored and I still have a little of time left. How long has it been since I've blogged? No idea. I think I tried something a couple weeks ago, but I never really got to the point I wanted to make. It's not really appropriate to write about it now, but I do have something else in mind.

It's been such a weird week. It's Friday today, and quite frankly I'm glad that the week is finally coming to a much needed close. I think I'll chronical just what happened from Monday to today. Monday, the day after coming home from the Disney trip, not only was it ridiculously hard to wake up that morning, but for me personally, it was a terribly sad thought to think that day would be the first I'd have to experience with the constant knowledge that Myles was miles (haha) away. Later that day, I'd found out there was a boy from school many of my friends had known well in the hospital after a car accident in my neighborhood, about a mile away from what I call home. After that, the guard had had a very difficult rehearsal--something we hadn't quite had yet. Tuesday was an equally hard day to wake up for. We found out in 2nd hour that the boy who'd been hospitalized had passed away. I won't pretend to know all the details, nor will I pretend to be emotionally destroyed by the loss--I believe that right should be reserved only for people who'd been directly linked to him in his daily life. For them, this tragedy will affect every single day of their lives, and for that, my deepest condolences. Wednesday was covered in a hazy as the student body was either in a fog or simply absent. Yesterday didn't seem any better. And now we're here at Friday.

I can't even begin to describe the effect the death of this boy has brought upon the students here at school. Even kids who didn't know him, had never met him, seem to walk the halls in a silence. The viewing is tonight, I think, and the funeral, tomorrow. I do hope all involved in his life find a sense to peace knowing he's in a better place. All will be better in time. Everyone must heal first.