Applause for the Wallflower

I did some thinking about my future today. The reality of the mess is that I just don't want to decide where I want to go to school. I've already told Myles I'd be staying here for college and I know that what I want to do, stay here for him, but when I tell people that, I feel as if I need to legitimize myself. The fact of the matter is that I don't know if I'm old enough to start making decisions like these. I've mentioned before how my grandparents think Myles is an excellent guy for me. They've told me that I need to start thinking about my future, about how I need to push Myles, or lead him into the right direction as per career choices because if I don't, it may not only be his future in jeopardy, but mine as well. Subtle things, little hints they've made. They tell me without telling me that they think we'll be together for the long haul. The angsty teenager inside me is subdued by the fact that they understand the love that he and I share, but something inside me screams. I don't quite know what, but I'm utterly confused.

Anyway, so I was doing some research today about the classes I want to take in college, weighing my options. And thinking about it, I think I want to Minor in Dance. Maybe? I'm not sure yet. So this had to question if FIU had a school for dance instruction and the closest I got was the FIU Golden Dazzlers, and quite frankly I don't think I'll have to motivation to compete with a dance line, not without the prospect or the opportunity to throwing something metal and sword-like into the air. And this is what made me question everything. If this is something I want to do, should I stick around in South Florida if my wants for my future are not fullfilled here? I mean even if Myles and I are still together when I get out of high school next year, is my want to study dance, or anything for that matter, as dance is simply a metaphor for the things I'll be offered outside of South Florida, something I'd be willing to look past to be happy with a man I'm in love with? I've always said I'd do anything for love, but I'm beginning to understand that there's more to life than just that. I can't get out of my mind, since we'd read it, a piece by Maya Angelou from my AP Eng Comp class. I can't remember what it was called, but I know what it was about and what I can't forget. Her heritage. She was proud of where she'd come from and what I'll never forget is the fact that she'd mentioned how she'd fallen madly in love with a man and she'd been married to him, though it was short lived. There was one other mention of him after that--only to state that she'd born a son from the man. Is that all love was to this woman? This amazing poet, a writer way beyond my skill. Romance...nothing but a back seat passenger to a life much more meaningful than waking up every morning and fixing breakfast for her husband. What do I want with my life? I'm so in love with Myles it confuses me. The provider in my calls each time I know he's sick or sad or lonely or in need. But the woman in me calls each time I am sick, when I'm sad or lonely or in need. My independence needs to be spoken for, I feel. Relationships will always harbor dependence, and as wonderful as that may sometimes be, the plain and simple truth is that being solitary is a human's natural instinct. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you grasp the concept, the human race learned early on that united we stand, divided we fall.