Applause for the Wallflower

I think I just did the most upsetting thing to myself a moment ago. So in December, I blogged about a boy being in a car accident and dying from my school. There was a lot of speculation surrounding the incident, but it doesn't make the matter any different: a young, amazing life was taken from this earth much too soon. In any case, he left behind a girlfriend who loved him very much, and obviously family and friends, but what I kept thinking about was how I would feel if I'd lost Myles. For a solid two weeks after the incident, I insisted that Myles wear his seatbelt more often and pleaded with him to speed less to my house for Date Night no matter how late he'd be, but the fact of the matter was that I still wouldn't understand what this poor girl had to, has to go through. I'm sure she doesn't need pity, but I can't help but take her story and learn from it through the sorrows I feel as I think about the consequences... That word has such a negative connotation. As I think abou the accdidents...

Anyway, so I went onto this boy's MySpace a few moments ago and scrolled down his page, reading all the "I love you"s and "I miss you"s and there it was: two comments posted by his girlfriend about a month after the accident. And after reading it, I started to wonder...what would I do if I couldn't make anymore memories with Myles? Yeah, I'd appreciate the ones I'd keep, the ones already forged... But what would happen to me if he weren't on this earth anymore? My god, it just leaves me spinning my wheels in the mud, you know? I mean honestly, I freak out if I go an entire school day without hearing from him at all. How would I be able to function without him in my life at all now? And things like him being at the Inauguration this week. I mean the chances of him really being even injuried was pretty slim to begin with, but still, you just never know...

The truth is, however, despite all the "what woud I do"s and the "what would happen to me"s, I care so much about him, all I want is his safety. I want for him to be able to wake up every single morning unharmed by any and all threats that see him every day. But there will come that fateful day...and his safety won't be a source of worry...no more memories to be made...no more arguments, no more laughter, no more newness. I still feel so bright and shiny with Myles...as if we'll be where we are for the rest of our lives, so young and so in love. "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend; lucky to have been where I have been; lucky to be coming home again. Lucky we're in love in every way; lucky to have stayed where we have stayed; lucky to be coming home someday." I really feel like I don't tell him enough how much he means to me, and I really don't think anyone else knows how much he's changed my life, exactly what he's done. The fact is, it goes beyond love. This is something I've never felt for someone else, someone that may have loved me at one time, and that feeling is respect. I respect him enough to want to do nice things for him, to want to surprise him. I respect him enough to do as he wishes when he tells me something's bothering him and wants it fixed. I respect him enough to work on bad habits, to allow him to point out my flaws and try my hardest not to be on the defense like I always am. I just hope there never comes a day where either of us lose that for each other. Love is one thing and respect is another. They may co-exist, though they may also exist singularly... Although, I wouldn't want to experience one without the other. Not after this, knowing what they both feel like together. It's something I'm not willing to compromise.