Applause for the Wallflower

I think I just did the most upsetting thing to myself a moment ago. So in December, I blogged about a boy being in a car accident and dying from my school. There was a lot of speculation surrounding the incident, but it doesn't make the matter any different: a young, amazing life was taken from this earth much too soon. In any case, he left behind a girlfriend who loved him very much, and obviously family and friends, but what I kept thinking about was how I would feel if I'd lost Myles. For a solid two weeks after the incident, I insisted that Myles wear his seatbelt more often and pleaded with him to speed less to my house for Date Night no matter how late he'd be, but the fact of the matter was that I still wouldn't understand what this poor girl had to, has to go through. I'm sure she doesn't need pity, but I can't help but take her story and learn from it through the sorrows I feel as I think about the consequences... That word has such a negative connotation. As I think abou the accdidents...

Anyway, so I went onto this boy's MySpace a few moments ago and scrolled down his page, reading all the "I love you"s and "I miss you"s and there it was: two comments posted by his girlfriend about a month after the accident. And after reading it, I started to wonder...what would I do if I couldn't make anymore memories with Myles? Yeah, I'd appreciate the ones I'd keep, the ones already forged... But what would happen to me if he weren't on this earth anymore? My god, it just leaves me spinning my wheels in the mud, you know? I mean honestly, I freak out if I go an entire school day without hearing from him at all. How would I be able to function without him in my life at all now? And things like him being at the Inauguration this week. I mean the chances of him really being even injuried was pretty slim to begin with, but still, you just never know...

The truth is, however, despite all the "what woud I do"s and the "what would happen to me"s, I care so much about him, all I want is his safety. I want for him to be able to wake up every single morning unharmed by any and all threats that see him every day. But there will come that fateful day...and his safety won't be a source of worry...no more memories to be made...no more arguments, no more laughter, no more newness. I still feel so bright and shiny with Myles...as if we'll be where we are for the rest of our lives, so young and so in love. "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend; lucky to have been where I have been; lucky to be coming home again. Lucky we're in love in every way; lucky to have stayed where we have stayed; lucky to be coming home someday." I really feel like I don't tell him enough how much he means to me, and I really don't think anyone else knows how much he's changed my life, exactly what he's done. The fact is, it goes beyond love. This is something I've never felt for someone else, someone that may have loved me at one time, and that feeling is respect. I respect him enough to want to do nice things for him, to want to surprise him. I respect him enough to do as he wishes when he tells me something's bothering him and wants it fixed. I respect him enough to work on bad habits, to allow him to point out my flaws and try my hardest not to be on the defense like I always am. I just hope there never comes a day where either of us lose that for each other. Love is one thing and respect is another. They may co-exist, though they may also exist singularly... Although, I wouldn't want to experience one without the other. Not after this, knowing what they both feel like together. It's something I'm not willing to compromise.

So I'm supposed to be scoping out interesting topics that I've written about through the years on this blog, but the more I think about it, I can't think of anything other than my love life that's been chronicled on the pages of this blog. In any case, I've come to the conclusion that my entrance essay for this NCTE High School Juniors writing award madohickey is probably going to be on something as juvenile and cliche as my understanding of love. How sad is that? I mean when you think about it, love is pretty much a basic concept that everyone understands. And you always think you're so intelligent for putting words to a concept so abstract as love, but the reality of it is that everyone understands what its supposed to be, and there can only be so much to say about it. Now thinking about it, however, I think I might be able to take another emotion, though still a bit cliche, I could still use it as it's not as talked about as Love is. In which case, Jealousy, an emotion I'm quite familiar with, would be the perfect prop to use in my essay... Let me sit on this one and think about some things I could write about...

So speaking of jealousy...I meant to write about something about a month or two pertaining to subject matter that does not affect me immediately. But the fact of the matter is that the more I think about it, the more it makes me a little crazy inside. Ever since I'd first met Myles, we were both aware that we were..."used goods." I hate to put it that way, but the fact of the matter was that literally and metaphorically, we were. I met him and told him about the most...well, effective event in my life, and being dumb and curious, I'd asked him about his experiences and his life. In essence, we were both wildly aware of how much left there wasn't. But there is one girl...one that he'd persued before he knew me and now resents. There's something about her that I can't quite put my finger on. I guess it's just my subconcious longing to not be where I am, my want to, as adolescent as it sounds, be out of high school and get on with my life. But something about this one particular girl, ever since he'd mentioned her, has struck a cord in me and I was never quite able to erase the thought from my mind. So about a month or two ago, we happened to be talking about something, his experiences with the FIU Marching Band maybe? and he told me how different the trips were my high school band trips, obviously. He'd mentioned how all they did was get into their rooms and drink and that no one ever ended up staying in the rooms they were assigned to, hitherto he ended up sleeping with this girl once on an overnight trip. Mind you, he said he'd never meant to hide it from me, that he wasn't trying to keep it a secret, but this was the first time I'd heard about it. Not that it changed anything, but before that point, I just thought this was a girl that he'd persued and had scorned him; I didn't think there was any sort of physical intimacy behind it. Truth be told, I'd never really had a problem knowing that he'd been with other girls only because I never really knew what any of them looked like, but this one, I do. I mean, it's a great thing I don't know her personally, but he's shown me pictures of her before. Sometimes I wonder what her personality is like...I wonder if given the chance, or maybe not given the currect circumstances, would we have been compatible friends. Probably not...oh well...

On another note, it's Saturday. Another rehearsal to prepare us for Friends and Family Night this Friday and Premier Night in 7 days! I can't believe its so close, but it still doesn't feel like it... We've got less than 45 seconds of the show left till the flag feature, drill we've already cemented (though spots are always subject to change, unfortunately), and where we stop the show during run-throughs doesn't run me dry half as much as it did when we first started the year off. I'm so excited, and yet I can't seem to fathom what it will feel like to have the show completed. I remember coming off the floor after Friends and Family Night last year crying my eyes out, being so proud of everyone, but mostly proud of myself. This year, I know it will be different. With so many new members, so many new faces, all these girls that will surely pull off an amazing performance this Friday will shock me, and they will be my pride and joy when I step off the floor, not myself. No matter what happens this season, anything will be an accomplishment, and nothing will change the fact that we will go from nothing to something to be talked about in a few short months. I'm so lucky to be a part of this group...

I did some thinking about my future today. The reality of the mess is that I just don't want to decide where I want to go to school. I've already told Myles I'd be staying here for college and I know that what I want to do, stay here for him, but when I tell people that, I feel as if I need to legitimize myself. The fact of the matter is that I don't know if I'm old enough to start making decisions like these. I've mentioned before how my grandparents think Myles is an excellent guy for me. They've told me that I need to start thinking about my future, about how I need to push Myles, or lead him into the right direction as per career choices because if I don't, it may not only be his future in jeopardy, but mine as well. Subtle things, little hints they've made. They tell me without telling me that they think we'll be together for the long haul. The angsty teenager inside me is subdued by the fact that they understand the love that he and I share, but something inside me screams. I don't quite know what, but I'm utterly confused.

Anyway, so I was doing some research today about the classes I want to take in college, weighing my options. And thinking about it, I think I want to Minor in Dance. Maybe? I'm not sure yet. So this had to question if FIU had a school for dance instruction and the closest I got was the FIU Golden Dazzlers, and quite frankly I don't think I'll have to motivation to compete with a dance line, not without the prospect or the opportunity to throwing something metal and sword-like into the air. And this is what made me question everything. If this is something I want to do, should I stick around in South Florida if my wants for my future are not fullfilled here? I mean even if Myles and I are still together when I get out of high school next year, is my want to study dance, or anything for that matter, as dance is simply a metaphor for the things I'll be offered outside of South Florida, something I'd be willing to look past to be happy with a man I'm in love with? I've always said I'd do anything for love, but I'm beginning to understand that there's more to life than just that. I can't get out of my mind, since we'd read it, a piece by Maya Angelou from my AP Eng Comp class. I can't remember what it was called, but I know what it was about and what I can't forget. Her heritage. She was proud of where she'd come from and what I'll never forget is the fact that she'd mentioned how she'd fallen madly in love with a man and she'd been married to him, though it was short lived. There was one other mention of him after that--only to state that she'd born a son from the man. Is that all love was to this woman? This amazing poet, a writer way beyond my skill. Romance...nothing but a back seat passenger to a life much more meaningful than waking up every morning and fixing breakfast for her husband. What do I want with my life? I'm so in love with Myles it confuses me. The provider in my calls each time I know he's sick or sad or lonely or in need. But the woman in me calls each time I am sick, when I'm sad or lonely or in need. My independence needs to be spoken for, I feel. Relationships will always harbor dependence, and as wonderful as that may sometimes be, the plain and simple truth is that being solitary is a human's natural instinct. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you grasp the concept, the human race learned early on that united we stand, divided we fall.