Applause for the Wallflower

So here's the blog you wanted.

I find myself rather...upset. This happens many a night and others may find it weird, or stupid, juvenile. Well, I don't and that's just putting it blatantly. Every night, Myles and I fall asleep together on the phone and for the past two, well almost two, I've fallen asleep without him. I must admit, its getting to the point where it's really starting to bother me.

Like I said, it sounds dumb, but to me, I can't help but become absolutely livid, and he really can't understand how upset this whole thing makes me. For god's sake, I'm sure he thinks its stupid, too. It's usually easy for me to wake up when he calls me in the middle of the night (usually between the hours of 12:30 and 3 o'clock) to finally start his sleep cycle.

What makes me so angry is not that he doesn't call me to tell you the truth. I know he does, like tonight. It was one of those weird nights where maybe he'd called me during a REM cycle, meaning I'm not waking up for anything. Usually I'm a really light sleeper and sometimes even in my REM cycle, I can wake up to certain noises. I guess because I'm trying to get over all the allergies that hit me in Nashville this past weekend, I didn't wake up. Ok, whatever. What really bothers me out of this is when I call him back an hour later when I wake up realizing he's not on the phone, he doesn't answer after I call him, I don't know, maybe 5 or 6 times?

I didn't mention this to him when I he picked me up on Monday morning, but that night, I'd called him on my last sliver of battery at about 6 in the morning because I was worried about the time we'd be at school. Driving home from Tennessee, I was worried that we'd get there a little earlier than he and I had planned earlier. So I called...1, 2, 3, 4, 6? All that was going through my mind was "Fuck, you know this is really going to bite him in the ass one day."

I always think of really fucked up things like that. Like what if someone tried to break into my house during the middle of the night? To tell you the truth, my first instinct wouldn't be to call 911, it would be to call Myles because I'd know he's protect me. But lord knows whether or not he'd even fucking ANSWER! I mean, yeah, I know this whole painted picture is very unlikely to ever occur, but what if?

Sometimes, I get so angry about this whole thing, I forget how to fall back asleep on my own and I sit there for hours trying to find a wave of sleep to ride till my eyes close and I forget about how frustrated I am with him. This is the one thing that makes me feel like we're closer when we go days without seeing each other. Where normal couples I'm around get to wake up every school day knowing they have there's in class, I have to sit in my own classrooms, watch my friends greet their boyfriends good morning, how'd you sleep, and I love you, hoping that mine gets to work alright. Those moments are always made easier when I know, at the very least, he slept with me next to him somehow. And they've really a particular sting to them when I don't.