Applause for the Wallflower

Strictly a venting blog. I warn that some of these points I'm about to argue may be irrational. If you read this, it'll probably be over by the time you get to it.

Sometimes I just can't believe his logic. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why would he think that I wouldn't want him to come over? Literally five minutes from my house and he fucking makes a U-Turn because I said I didn't want him over. But think of it from my point of view. If he's in front of my house, wouldn't anyone think that I'd walk out to see him? I mean honestly. What the fuck! It really makes me angry...

I feel like such an inconvenience to him nowadays. Without anything to distract me anymore now that guard season is over, I feel like I'm just sitting on my hands, waiting for his schedule to free up so I can fit myself in between everything else he fucking has to do. Scratch that first statement. I'm just a convenience that just so happens to fit perfectly wherever he can throw me. Whatever...I get it because that how it was with him for me during winterguard. He's always telling me that I see him more than anyone else does. Well if that's true, he must be pretty nonexistant to everyone else in his life because I barely ever see him. And that's just seeing him; I'm not even referring to talking to him. Talking? What's talking...? You mean he actually has conversation to make with me?

I keep an ear out for passing cars on my street and every time one passes, my heart drops a little. I know it's not him, but everything in me wishes it was. I know I'll be falling asleep by myself tonight, waking up to a day of nothing but homework, and I can't say I'm not partially to blame. But goddammit. I try so fucking hard. I really do. The rational part of me says he does, too. But sometimes I just don't know if I'm cut out for this. I can't take it sometimes...being dropped off, knowing he won't be going straight home. I mean even the nights I do get him, he's not totally mine.

Then maybe I'm not cut out for him. Maybe he needs someone that can do what he does, that can stay out till whenever they want, someone older than me. I'm too young for this anyway. And my focus is diming; I need to figure this all out.

I think I just had an epiphany.