Applause for the Wallflower

I can't do this anymore. I can't fight with him about the same thing; I can't cry anymore.

I used to get this weird sinking feeling in my chest when I was really hurt. It happens every now and again when I'm really sad or upset about something. It's not even when I cry...not really. It's just when I'm sad. It used to happen a lot with Carlos, when I felt like situations were out of my control, like I couldn't hold on to anything no matter how desperate I felt. I feel like that now. No matter what I do, I can't control this.

I want to blame him so badly, it hurts me. I can't believe he said what he did. I don't think he realizes, in the throws of his fury, how much he really said in a three-word text message. He wished pain on me. He hoped something terrible would happen. Is this what it feels like to let something so precious slip from your fingers?...because I always felt like I threw away any promise of happiness until him. I learned to embrace the fear of falling when he came into my life...and now he's wishing pain upon me.

Is it even worth the fight anymore? I feel like throwing in the towel, surrendering to the will I know is not my own, but what can I do? I love him so much I can't put it to words, but I'm hurting so badly right now that I can't even cry. There are no more apologies on either side--just good intentions and broken promises. And now look at where we are.

Can I find my way through this swamp?