Applause for the Wallflower

It seems like everyone on my Facebook is moving forward with their lives, getting engaged, married, new family pets, new families... It's so strange to think that a girl I used to spin with my freshman year has now set her date to be married as August 1st of this year. And all the wedding pictures being posted online from various women I've become acquainted with throughout the few short years I've been on this earth. It just makes me think about my relationship with Myles and my juvenile aspirations to begin a life of love and "honesty" with him. But then I start to think about how quickly life has gone by; how fast the last three years of my life have been; how short time has felt with Myles in my life. I think about being a little kid again, posing in my ballerina outfit, blowing kisses at the camera, playing on the old swing set. I always say I can't wait to leave the security of my home; I can't wait to be on my own, self-reliant, independent. It's true. I can't wait to be all by myself with no one to take care of but myself. But then what will I have? I will have nothing but a destination to look forward to. Sometimes I have to tell myself to slow down and take a look around me. One more year. My last. No matter what happens, where I go to school in the fall of 2010, where I live, how much money I make, I will always have this last year here at home with my family and the friends I hold in my arms today. I will always have these memories that I will take into the future.

How strangely the idea of my future has changed in 5 years--how I used to think Lennon would always be the one I ran back to; how I fell head over heels for Carlos; how I now see myself in the throws of eternal love with a man still in the throws of his own boyhood. I'm no different from the girl I was in middle school, still hopelessly holding onto the idea that "This one is the one." And maybe this time, he is. But this does not change my track record... The only difference between then and now is that with another year under my belt in October, I will soon be old enough to see to it that my hopes become reality. Though we all know I'd never be that dumb...

I can't do this anymore. I can't fight with him about the same thing; I can't cry anymore.

I used to get this weird sinking feeling in my chest when I was really hurt. It happens every now and again when I'm really sad or upset about something. It's not even when I cry...not really. It's just when I'm sad. It used to happen a lot with Carlos, when I felt like situations were out of my control, like I couldn't hold on to anything no matter how desperate I felt. I feel like that now. No matter what I do, I can't control this.

I want to blame him so badly, it hurts me. I can't believe he said what he did. I don't think he realizes, in the throws of his fury, how much he really said in a three-word text message. He wished pain on me. He hoped something terrible would happen. Is this what it feels like to let something so precious slip from your fingers?...because I always felt like I threw away any promise of happiness until him. I learned to embrace the fear of falling when he came into my life...and now he's wishing pain upon me.

Is it even worth the fight anymore? I feel like throwing in the towel, surrendering to the will I know is not my own, but what can I do? I love him so much I can't put it to words, but I'm hurting so badly right now that I can't even cry. There are no more apologies on either side--just good intentions and broken promises. And now look at where we are.

Can I find my way through this swamp?