Applause for the Wallflower

I do it every once in a while when I'm absolutely bored and reminiscing about the past... I look into that stupid truthbox of mine that everyone started obsessing over at the end of my sophomore year (I can't believe it's been a whole year from then) and I think about all the stupid things that have happened since then. Now here's a name I haven't mentioned in a while: Carlos. An army boy now, he's finally figuring things out, I think. It's funny how everything's worked out between us, how our lives have comepletely diverged. But the thing of it is, no matter what happens, I always go back to those moments I think I'll always hold precious. I could never hate someone that, regardless of whether he was able to feel the same as me, allowed me to open up into a new, beautiful person. I am who I am because of the love I felt for him, and the pain he allowed me to feel. And granted, I know that in the end, my broken heart is all the thanks I ever got from him, the story somehow wouldn't feel completed if it had ended any other way.

But man, all of these old comments...some about admiration, some about love, some about how much of a terrible person I am...some a little x-rated lol. But one, I just can't get over. No matter how much I talk myself into how grateful for the experiences I've had with Carlos, I just can't get over this: "ok so u no i just wanna say thanks for finally saying to me what u really want to ... i truely appreciate it and i hope u feel better congrats... o and so u no i have been in the hospital for a good 3 days bc i got hit by a car ... thanks for that... and im proud of u , u finally say what u feel ... i new u could congrats"

The really pathetic thing is that I can't remember if I believed what he'd said about being in the hospital. Looking back at it now, I can't believe he stooped so low. Lets be honest, this blog was written because I can't believe how stupid I was back then. It was only a year ago and look at how much I've grown. Why would I even want to involve myself with someone that disgusting? With someone who couldn't stand the idea of me moving on with my life so much that he resorted to the worst and most fake lie to try to facilitate some sort of pity by me for himself. It absolutely sickens me. What makes it worse is that now every time we speak, I know its because he misses me. Even when all this had happened, my mom told me that no matter what happened, I would always be the one who had shown him true love and that when he doesn't have that to lean on anymore, when it's just him by himself, he'll be sorry. That always happens. You give a man 80% but he sees that you can't fulfill that last 20...so chasing after that 20, he leaves the 80 and realizes that he is nothing without what he once had.

I learned that lesson this past week, in a short concise situation that was resolved last night. Of course there wasn't much drama that surrounded the whole ordeal, but it taught me to appreciate the person who really is able to give you what you need all gift wrapped and tied in a little bow. I can't change who I am. If I'm not what he wants, and if he's not what I want, I can't bend myself nor him to suit the comfort that we've grown so accustomed to. But my god, how I'm so in love...still. 11 months of turmoil that really only added up to a grand total of maybe 8-9 months felt like so much more than the seamless and beautiful 13 full months I've had this past year. As for now, I wouldn't do anything to jeoparodize that happiness. I could never be stupid enough to leave my 80 for the 20 I worked with.