Applause for the Wallflower

Strictly a venting blog. I warn that some of these points I'm about to argue may be irrational. If you read this, it'll probably be over by the time you get to it.

Sometimes I just can't believe his logic. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why would he think that I wouldn't want him to come over? Literally five minutes from my house and he fucking makes a U-Turn because I said I didn't want him over. But think of it from my point of view. If he's in front of my house, wouldn't anyone think that I'd walk out to see him? I mean honestly. What the fuck! It really makes me angry...

I feel like such an inconvenience to him nowadays. Without anything to distract me anymore now that guard season is over, I feel like I'm just sitting on my hands, waiting for his schedule to free up so I can fit myself in between everything else he fucking has to do. Scratch that first statement. I'm just a convenience that just so happens to fit perfectly wherever he can throw me. Whatever...I get it because that how it was with him for me during winterguard. He's always telling me that I see him more than anyone else does. Well if that's true, he must be pretty nonexistant to everyone else in his life because I barely ever see him. And that's just seeing him; I'm not even referring to talking to him. Talking? What's talking...? You mean he actually has conversation to make with me?

I keep an ear out for passing cars on my street and every time one passes, my heart drops a little. I know it's not him, but everything in me wishes it was. I know I'll be falling asleep by myself tonight, waking up to a day of nothing but homework, and I can't say I'm not partially to blame. But goddammit. I try so fucking hard. I really do. The rational part of me says he does, too. But sometimes I just don't know if I'm cut out for this. I can't take it sometimes...being dropped off, knowing he won't be going straight home. I mean even the nights I do get him, he's not totally mine.

Then maybe I'm not cut out for him. Maybe he needs someone that can do what he does, that can stay out till whenever they want, someone older than me. I'm too young for this anyway. And my focus is diming; I need to figure this all out.

I think I just had an epiphany.

So here's the blog you wanted.

I find myself rather...upset. This happens many a night and others may find it weird, or stupid, juvenile. Well, I don't and that's just putting it blatantly. Every night, Myles and I fall asleep together on the phone and for the past two, well almost two, I've fallen asleep without him. I must admit, its getting to the point where it's really starting to bother me.

Like I said, it sounds dumb, but to me, I can't help but become absolutely livid, and he really can't understand how upset this whole thing makes me. For god's sake, I'm sure he thinks its stupid, too. It's usually easy for me to wake up when he calls me in the middle of the night (usually between the hours of 12:30 and 3 o'clock) to finally start his sleep cycle.

What makes me so angry is not that he doesn't call me to tell you the truth. I know he does, like tonight. It was one of those weird nights where maybe he'd called me during a REM cycle, meaning I'm not waking up for anything. Usually I'm a really light sleeper and sometimes even in my REM cycle, I can wake up to certain noises. I guess because I'm trying to get over all the allergies that hit me in Nashville this past weekend, I didn't wake up. Ok, whatever. What really bothers me out of this is when I call him back an hour later when I wake up realizing he's not on the phone, he doesn't answer after I call him, I don't know, maybe 5 or 6 times?

I didn't mention this to him when I he picked me up on Monday morning, but that night, I'd called him on my last sliver of battery at about 6 in the morning because I was worried about the time we'd be at school. Driving home from Tennessee, I was worried that we'd get there a little earlier than he and I had planned earlier. So I called...1, 2, 3, 4, 6? All that was going through my mind was "Fuck, you know this is really going to bite him in the ass one day."

I always think of really fucked up things like that. Like what if someone tried to break into my house during the middle of the night? To tell you the truth, my first instinct wouldn't be to call 911, it would be to call Myles because I'd know he's protect me. But lord knows whether or not he'd even fucking ANSWER! I mean, yeah, I know this whole painted picture is very unlikely to ever occur, but what if?

Sometimes, I get so angry about this whole thing, I forget how to fall back asleep on my own and I sit there for hours trying to find a wave of sleep to ride till my eyes close and I forget about how frustrated I am with him. This is the one thing that makes me feel like we're closer when we go days without seeing each other. Where normal couples I'm around get to wake up every school day knowing they have there's in class, I have to sit in my own classrooms, watch my friends greet their boyfriends good morning, how'd you sleep, and I love you, hoping that mine gets to work alright. Those moments are always made easier when I know, at the very least, he slept with me next to him somehow. And they've really a particular sting to them when I don't.

I think I just did the most upsetting thing to myself a moment ago. So in December, I blogged about a boy being in a car accident and dying from my school. There was a lot of speculation surrounding the incident, but it doesn't make the matter any different: a young, amazing life was taken from this earth much too soon. In any case, he left behind a girlfriend who loved him very much, and obviously family and friends, but what I kept thinking about was how I would feel if I'd lost Myles. For a solid two weeks after the incident, I insisted that Myles wear his seatbelt more often and pleaded with him to speed less to my house for Date Night no matter how late he'd be, but the fact of the matter was that I still wouldn't understand what this poor girl had to, has to go through. I'm sure she doesn't need pity, but I can't help but take her story and learn from it through the sorrows I feel as I think about the consequences... That word has such a negative connotation. As I think abou the accdidents...

Anyway, so I went onto this boy's MySpace a few moments ago and scrolled down his page, reading all the "I love you"s and "I miss you"s and there it was: two comments posted by his girlfriend about a month after the accident. And after reading it, I started to wonder...what would I do if I couldn't make anymore memories with Myles? Yeah, I'd appreciate the ones I'd keep, the ones already forged... But what would happen to me if he weren't on this earth anymore? My god, it just leaves me spinning my wheels in the mud, you know? I mean honestly, I freak out if I go an entire school day without hearing from him at all. How would I be able to function without him in my life at all now? And things like him being at the Inauguration this week. I mean the chances of him really being even injuried was pretty slim to begin with, but still, you just never know...

The truth is, however, despite all the "what woud I do"s and the "what would happen to me"s, I care so much about him, all I want is his safety. I want for him to be able to wake up every single morning unharmed by any and all threats that see him every day. But there will come that fateful day...and his safety won't be a source of worry...no more memories to be made...no more arguments, no more laughter, no more newness. I still feel so bright and shiny with Myles...as if we'll be where we are for the rest of our lives, so young and so in love. "I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend; lucky to have been where I have been; lucky to be coming home again. Lucky we're in love in every way; lucky to have stayed where we have stayed; lucky to be coming home someday." I really feel like I don't tell him enough how much he means to me, and I really don't think anyone else knows how much he's changed my life, exactly what he's done. The fact is, it goes beyond love. This is something I've never felt for someone else, someone that may have loved me at one time, and that feeling is respect. I respect him enough to want to do nice things for him, to want to surprise him. I respect him enough to do as he wishes when he tells me something's bothering him and wants it fixed. I respect him enough to work on bad habits, to allow him to point out my flaws and try my hardest not to be on the defense like I always am. I just hope there never comes a day where either of us lose that for each other. Love is one thing and respect is another. They may co-exist, though they may also exist singularly... Although, I wouldn't want to experience one without the other. Not after this, knowing what they both feel like together. It's something I'm not willing to compromise.

So I'm supposed to be scoping out interesting topics that I've written about through the years on this blog, but the more I think about it, I can't think of anything other than my love life that's been chronicled on the pages of this blog. In any case, I've come to the conclusion that my entrance essay for this NCTE High School Juniors writing award madohickey is probably going to be on something as juvenile and cliche as my understanding of love. How sad is that? I mean when you think about it, love is pretty much a basic concept that everyone understands. And you always think you're so intelligent for putting words to a concept so abstract as love, but the reality of it is that everyone understands what its supposed to be, and there can only be so much to say about it. Now thinking about it, however, I think I might be able to take another emotion, though still a bit cliche, I could still use it as it's not as talked about as Love is. In which case, Jealousy, an emotion I'm quite familiar with, would be the perfect prop to use in my essay... Let me sit on this one and think about some things I could write about...

So speaking of jealousy...I meant to write about something about a month or two pertaining to subject matter that does not affect me immediately. But the fact of the matter is that the more I think about it, the more it makes me a little crazy inside. Ever since I'd first met Myles, we were both aware that we were..."used goods." I hate to put it that way, but the fact of the matter was that literally and metaphorically, we were. I met him and told him about the most...well, effective event in my life, and being dumb and curious, I'd asked him about his experiences and his life. In essence, we were both wildly aware of how much left there wasn't. But there is one girl...one that he'd persued before he knew me and now resents. There's something about her that I can't quite put my finger on. I guess it's just my subconcious longing to not be where I am, my want to, as adolescent as it sounds, be out of high school and get on with my life. But something about this one particular girl, ever since he'd mentioned her, has struck a cord in me and I was never quite able to erase the thought from my mind. So about a month or two ago, we happened to be talking about something, his experiences with the FIU Marching Band maybe? and he told me how different the trips were my high school band trips, obviously. He'd mentioned how all they did was get into their rooms and drink and that no one ever ended up staying in the rooms they were assigned to, hitherto he ended up sleeping with this girl once on an overnight trip. Mind you, he said he'd never meant to hide it from me, that he wasn't trying to keep it a secret, but this was the first time I'd heard about it. Not that it changed anything, but before that point, I just thought this was a girl that he'd persued and had scorned him; I didn't think there was any sort of physical intimacy behind it. Truth be told, I'd never really had a problem knowing that he'd been with other girls only because I never really knew what any of them looked like, but this one, I do. I mean, it's a great thing I don't know her personally, but he's shown me pictures of her before. Sometimes I wonder what her personality is like...I wonder if given the chance, or maybe not given the currect circumstances, would we have been compatible friends. Probably not...oh well...

On another note, it's Saturday. Another rehearsal to prepare us for Friends and Family Night this Friday and Premier Night in 7 days! I can't believe its so close, but it still doesn't feel like it... We've got less than 45 seconds of the show left till the flag feature, drill we've already cemented (though spots are always subject to change, unfortunately), and where we stop the show during run-throughs doesn't run me dry half as much as it did when we first started the year off. I'm so excited, and yet I can't seem to fathom what it will feel like to have the show completed. I remember coming off the floor after Friends and Family Night last year crying my eyes out, being so proud of everyone, but mostly proud of myself. This year, I know it will be different. With so many new members, so many new faces, all these girls that will surely pull off an amazing performance this Friday will shock me, and they will be my pride and joy when I step off the floor, not myself. No matter what happens this season, anything will be an accomplishment, and nothing will change the fact that we will go from nothing to something to be talked about in a few short months. I'm so lucky to be a part of this group...

I did some thinking about my future today. The reality of the mess is that I just don't want to decide where I want to go to school. I've already told Myles I'd be staying here for college and I know that what I want to do, stay here for him, but when I tell people that, I feel as if I need to legitimize myself. The fact of the matter is that I don't know if I'm old enough to start making decisions like these. I've mentioned before how my grandparents think Myles is an excellent guy for me. They've told me that I need to start thinking about my future, about how I need to push Myles, or lead him into the right direction as per career choices because if I don't, it may not only be his future in jeopardy, but mine as well. Subtle things, little hints they've made. They tell me without telling me that they think we'll be together for the long haul. The angsty teenager inside me is subdued by the fact that they understand the love that he and I share, but something inside me screams. I don't quite know what, but I'm utterly confused.

Anyway, so I was doing some research today about the classes I want to take in college, weighing my options. And thinking about it, I think I want to Minor in Dance. Maybe? I'm not sure yet. So this had to question if FIU had a school for dance instruction and the closest I got was the FIU Golden Dazzlers, and quite frankly I don't think I'll have to motivation to compete with a dance line, not without the prospect or the opportunity to throwing something metal and sword-like into the air. And this is what made me question everything. If this is something I want to do, should I stick around in South Florida if my wants for my future are not fullfilled here? I mean even if Myles and I are still together when I get out of high school next year, is my want to study dance, or anything for that matter, as dance is simply a metaphor for the things I'll be offered outside of South Florida, something I'd be willing to look past to be happy with a man I'm in love with? I've always said I'd do anything for love, but I'm beginning to understand that there's more to life than just that. I can't get out of my mind, since we'd read it, a piece by Maya Angelou from my AP Eng Comp class. I can't remember what it was called, but I know what it was about and what I can't forget. Her heritage. She was proud of where she'd come from and what I'll never forget is the fact that she'd mentioned how she'd fallen madly in love with a man and she'd been married to him, though it was short lived. There was one other mention of him after that--only to state that she'd born a son from the man. Is that all love was to this woman? This amazing poet, a writer way beyond my skill. Romance...nothing but a back seat passenger to a life much more meaningful than waking up every morning and fixing breakfast for her husband. What do I want with my life? I'm so in love with Myles it confuses me. The provider in my calls each time I know he's sick or sad or lonely or in need. But the woman in me calls each time I am sick, when I'm sad or lonely or in need. My independence needs to be spoken for, I feel. Relationships will always harbor dependence, and as wonderful as that may sometimes be, the plain and simple truth is that being solitary is a human's natural instinct. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you grasp the concept, the human race learned early on that united we stand, divided we fall.