Applause for the Wallflower

Sometimes I feel so guilty for being as happy as I am. I feel like everything that's happened to me in the past four out of five months shouldn't have happened to me. It just all seems so...surreal. Not in an unattainable way, though...if that makes sense. I was just thinking a second ago about my birthday last year. In all honesty, my sixteenth birthday should have been a lot better than it actually was (but I've just come to the conclusion that birthdays are never as great as you imagine them being). That in turn got me thinking about Carlos and what he gave me as a gift on that day which made me think of the selfish way he'd asked for it back upon our break up. Listening to this song, I'm so grateful for everything I have today. I'm actually earning pretty decent grades in school; I'm a captain of a well-known and reigning champ color guard; I have people who care for me; And I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me. But going back to my openning line, I just feel guilty about it sometimes. Especially when I talk to Carlos... Knowing his ego, he'll probably read this and think "Look at her, talking about me again..." Oh don't get such a huge head. Remember, I don't write convince myself anymore--I write to vindicate my emotions.

I thought a little about it today driving to school... I always told myself that I didn't want Carlos to be one of those stories I told to my kids when I pulled out my high school yearbook (even though it won't really be possible because he didn't submit a senior picture in last year lol), but the fact of the matter is that that's what he'll be. When my kids ask me who my first great love was with, I'll have to recall him from my dusty memory bank and force myself to remember all the details, big and small, of our romance, later questioning where he's to be at that point in life. It's funny how I think I kind of always knew that's what would happen. People don't just end up spending the rest of their lives with the first person you fell head over heels for and I was very well aware of that fact.

But let me be so bold as to say this: It's something I've honestly felt and believed from the moment I fell in love with him; something that still holds true to this moment. I know I'll spend the rest of my days with Myles. When we broke up, he said something that stuck with me. "Maybe I'm just supposed to be the guy that shows you there is a such thing as a good guy, not just dicks who use you." Something to that effect. I can't really explain it, but I know that isn't all he's meant to do for me, and he knows that now as well. How do I say it? I already knew by month two that as much as I loved Carlos, we'd never be together the way I see myself being with Myles. I see myself standing next to him in a church receiting vows to each other; I see him holding my hand through the birth of our child; I see myself waking up to his face every morning; I see him enjoying a meal I've cooked and prepared for him; I see myself growing old beside him; I see us loving one another for the rest of our lives.

And with every belief I have, everything that's ever steered me in the right direction...it's all telling me the same thing: He's the one, the only one, who'll ever be just perfect for me. I don't know how I know, and I don't know why...but I do know that I trust the Universe and I trust God enough for them to both whisper in my ear that this guy isn't just here to be around. When I put it out into the Universe that we'd win the gold, I asked for someone to love me the way I'd wanted to be loved...someone I could love the way I knew I could, it gave me Myles. "This is the best thing, the best thing that could be happening. And I think you would agree the best thing is that it's happening to you and me."

I was thinking today about the people in my life. It's funny how I think I can truly depend on two or three people to help me out when I'm honestly in a predicament that's detrimental to my sanity. A friend of mine, Josh, was telling me about how he's helped out so many people, but when they turn around and see him emotionally distressed, they wouldn't lift a finger to help. And that made me think about all the girls in the color guard. Recently, a friend of mine who's been there for me since my freshman year, someone I've grown pretty close with, at least in my standards lol, has taken this really...contemptuous tone with me. I mean I can assume it's probably about her boyfriend (before they started dating, I hooked up with him not knowing she had a crush on him) and although she pretty much forgave me for that, even though there was really nothing to forgive considering the fact that I genuinely had no idea she had a crush on him (because I'm mildly stupid and can't figure out left from right (I still use my fingers, not gonna lie)), I still think she holds a bit of resentment for me and can't really help it. I mean, I totally understand if that's the case, you know? I guess I'd be the same way if I were put in her position, like if a chick from the guard hooked up with Myles before he and I started dating. I'd probably be much worse with the whole resentment factor, but still.

I don't know, just the things she says to me. Like Monday for example. The first thing she tells me besides "Hey," at lunch was "Oh, so the Army Band's deploying to Iraq so Dillon's not joining." I asked how they knew they were going to Iraq and all the general questions you'd ask someone if they were to tell you before your own boyfriend could that he was leaving to go off into a war zone...you know, the typical. HONESTLY. Who in God's name would do that?? Let's think about it for maybe two seconds...one.two. Uhm, no one unless you really want to just be a totally insensitive prick! Not that I'm saying she's an insensitive prick lol. She's not...I just don't think she realized how sensitive of a topic it was. So obviously I said something about Dillon being too much of a pussy to fight in a war (as if they'd even do any real "fighting" anyway) and that if given the chance, I'd do it myself. "Then why don't you join the Army, huh?" "Maybe I will. Good benefits and a great opportunity. I'd serve my country." "Well, I wouldn't. Not this government..." Blah blah blah. And then a similar situation occurred the next day about Homecoming. It's just like "What the fuck man, can you just leave me alone? Must you always try and bring me down?" The whole situation is that our school isn't allowing anyone outside of our student body to attend our Homecoming this year and because Myles doesn't go to school with us, or at all, he won't be allowed to go. But I was thinking about it today and it's the same situation with Jeni, another friend of ours. She won't be able to bring her boyfriend to Homecoming either, but Sara would have never mentioned it to her so contemptuously. I don't really know what to make of it. It really bothers me that it seems like all she wants to do is bring me down, but at the same time, I don't want to confront her about it either because if I do, it might be detrimental to our "friendship." I dunno...we'll see what happens. I guess I'll just keep it to myself for now. It's not like there's really much I can do. That is, of course, assuming she doesn't keep throwing shit in my face. Then I'll react. But for now, it is what it is.

I keep trying to post a blog about everything that's happened in the last week, but it's just so hard to get my thoughts right these days. I was trying to write an entry yesterday about Saturday night, but that never happened because it's so hard to describe. But I'm determined now to do it before I start homework.

So Myles and I went out on a "pretty date" on Saturday night. We got all dolled up and went to this new restaurant, Brimstone (which we'll be calling to reserve a table before we go there again), that was absolutely amazing. I went out and bought a dress and some heels (which are now going to simultaneously become church shoes :D), I did my make-up and got all pretty, and Myles showed up in a suit. We left and ended up having to wait an hour in the car for the first available table...but it was totally worth the wait. Besides that, an hour with him is like no time at all... So we sat in the car and the whole time, he told me how much he was in love with me and held me in his arms close to his chest so I'd hear his heart beat.

It's so easy to say he's the perfect man for me, but that just wouldn't do him justice. Its funny how much I've fallen in love with him all over again since we've gotten back together. I mean, that's not to say I didn't already know how much he meant to me, but what I do mean to say is that I'm now able to express in full how I feel for him without having to hold anything back in fear of humiliation. I won't lie, for the first couple of days, I felt like we were all the way back at square one in those days where we used to fight all the time. I was thinking about it and I have no idea what was the cause of all that and how we got out of it. Just day after day, we'd fight and fight and fight over the stupidest little things. And then all of a sudden, we just started getting along.

I honestly have no idea where this is going lol... I'm so tired...I'll try picking up the thought soon. I'm not in a writing state of mind, although I'd love to be able to express my love for Myles so perfectly at this very moment, I just can't. So for now, the gist of it is that he's the most amazing person that's walked into my life and changed me in a really long time. And I hope he's here to stay.

Listening to this album, Boys Like Girls, it brings me back to winter season when everything with Carlos pretty much beat me to a bloody pulp. It's so funny how much things have changed since then. I listen to all these songs I thought were so easily relatable to my situation with him, but now knowing the information that I do about what actually happened (all the while, still not knowing quite everything though), I almost want to slap myself in the forehead and say "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING??" Yeah, it's like that.

I haven't honestly thought about that whole part of the year till recently when Carlos started calling and texting. I think I missed one of his calls the other day while I was on the phone with my mom or something, but it's just weird being on the phone with him again. It's weird talking to him. I can't really explain it. Well, I can. I guess it's because I'm not the same Kristina he knew. I'm different, definitely different. I'm definitely more mature and I'm not going to swoon at his every word anymore. I'm not at his beck and call and I'm a better person for it. So when I talk to him and I notice when he uses the same techniques he used to when he'd try to win be back, instead of falling head over heels for him, I roll my eyes and pray that something comes up so I can tell him I'll call him later. I know it's terrible, but a lot of the time, and maybe it's just because that's the Carlos I'm used to, but it just seems like he's always trying to convince me that we'll be together again.

Let me use an example. The first couple times we'd talked after resolving our issues, he'd asked if I'd ever hook up with him again because I missed him. Mind you, I was dating Myles at the time and he was fully aware of that. I told him I didn't think so because I was past that part of my life, and his response was "Well, we'll see when you come up here for college at NYU." Something about that statement just disgusts me. "We'll see when you come up here for college." As if time was going to change my opinions? As if I'd ever want to be subjected to such humiliation ever again in my entire life? Yes, I miss having Carlos around...but that doesn't mean I miss because totally used by him. Being with Myles has definitely shown me the difference between being with someone who truly cares, and someone who cares, but has other intentions in mind. The main difference though is that with Myles, there's never any doubt in my mind whether the words from his mouth are the God's-Honest-Truth. With Carlos, I was never sure. To this day as mentioned earlier, there are still things that he did while we were dating and while we were "talking" that I have no idea about. Girls I'd learned about just a month or so ago, things he'd done with them... Even when he tells me stories, I always feel the need to lie and tell him I believe him when he validates himself because I'll never honestly believe a word from his mouth.

I could sit here and say that it's all his fault that I don't trust him. To be totally honest, in the end, a lot of it was his fault. Ok, all of it was his fault in the end. But during the course of our relationship, there was no reason for me not to believe him... I just don't know why I never did...

I guess it doesn't much matter anymore. I think if I were ever to run back to him, it would be simply a familiarity causing me to drift that direction, not that I'd ever have a reason to having the perfect man at my side now :) But we'll see what the future brings. If the past month has taught me anything, it's 1) patience and 2) never count on anyone but yourself in the mortal world because you never know what decisions someone else will make that will effect you...and the worst part is that you have absolutely no control over what they decide. All you can do is sit back and say "Shit, guess I'm going down the scenic route again."

Winona told me it would take time for him to come full circle, and finally he did. To be quite honest, I wasn't thinking it would be this soon. On Thursday was pretty much when this all started. Myles surprised me with a bunch of roses and all these cute little light up plastics ducks in my car. Friday, he surprised me again by coming to the football game with his sister Chelsea whom I've become quite close to. On Friday night outside of Fuddruckers, he held me in his arms like he used to and kept repeating that he loved me, calling me baby a few times (once is a fluke, twice is an accident, three times is intention). I talked to him through text all day yesterday. And at night, I told him what had happened with Alex, a person I should dedicate an entry to by himself. In any case, I told him what I'd done... I didn't really have to explain circumstances, one because I don't think he would have wanted me to, and two, I think he probably already knew. Either way, the rest of the night was pretty quiet... And today...when I saw him at church, he'd greeted me by my car, as he pulled in the parking lot just after me. He pulled me in tight and, because I moved my head, kissed my cheek. Realizing what he'd meant to do, I moved it back and kissed him softly where it hit me the most. After church, I went home to take a nap and woke up the buzzing of my text messages. He asked me if I wanted to go out for ice cream or something cold for my throat. When I met him, I got into his car, hugged him tight and kissed him unsurely. I told myself on Thursday night that I wouldn't read into anything from that point on. Everything he did for me was just because he was a nice guy, because he was my best friend. I made it a point to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it almost did. A couple minutes into me sitting opposite him, he looked at me in the eyes and told me he wanted to talk to about something. Automatically my face fell just because I didn't know what he was going to say. He explained to me how he couldn't live without me...how he's talked to me everyday and finds himself wanting to keep me around...and the fact that I'd told him about Alex and he still loved me was another thing he'd taken into consideration.

All in all, the gist of the story is that we're together now. I would have waited forever if I needed to, but I didn't. "We're perfect. Let's show everyone else we are." I agree.

It's really hard to sit here and type out exactly what's been on my mind the past couple weeks. With everything that's evolved with Alex, I feel like it's one of those things that'll only feel as right as I allow it to be; something temporary and meant to feel better than it actually is. I'm afraid, however, that the fact that it's nothing official will cause me to continue whatever it is we have even past the extent to which I'd have normally just broken up with someone. Yesterday after rehearsal, we went to Wendy's and then he had to go to Home Depot for something, so I ended up kind of tagging along...and on the way to Home Depot, I hit every single red light imaginable on the way there. And once I got there, he'd already gone in and come back out when I realized I needed to buy electrical tape to tape up a pole for guard...and then it started to rain. I know it doesn't seem like it, but to me, I took it as a sign...from the red lights, to the rain...it was as if God was telling me, "Kristina, this is a bad idea. Turn around. It's not meant to be." Maybe that's what I wanted it to say... But the point is, I went anyway. And as we were saying good-bye, I just realized how temporary it all feels. It's like minor comfort because neither of us can commit to each other. As much as I want the comfort and safety and shelter that commitment entails, I don't think I'd find quite that in someone else quite so quickly...and in addition to that, Alex doesn't want to commit to anyone either. To him, "What we have is perfect." I mean, I guess I understand what he's saying... Who needs to know that there's anything going on between us, but at the same time, if it ever were to come up, why should we deny it? It's a little frustrating when I've got him calling me baby in a text, but in front of the school, he's afraid to hug me too many times in case people we know may see. It's like I'm dying to hear something from him to let me know I'm an important person to him.

I guess I can relate this message to Myles as well. The other day carrying into yesterday, he stopped texting me without a goodbye or anything...and it totally left me stumped. I'd love to be able to sit here and say I didn't act like the totally typical psycho ex-girlfriend, but the truth is I was really upset. I didn't know what I'd done or said to make him stop wanting to talk to me. I guess a lot of me is just scared that I'll lose him and his love. As much as he tells me he'll always be attracted to me, it's a different thing entirely. I guess I shouldn't dwell on it much...he's probably going to read this (hi) so in hopes of keeping a small portion of my dignity, I'll keep my piece to myself.

Moral of the story: give love when you can. And when you can't, don't expect it in return.

The fact of the matter is that I really hate when people find out I'm single. I always feel bad when I say things like this because it sounds like I'm bragging, or like I think I've got every guy begging to be with me. That's not what I'm saying at all. I just hate having all that sort of attention when all I crave is the attention of one person. Last night, someone I've known only since my freshman year decided to message me and confess to me the fact that he's had a crush on me since we've met. I mean, it's flattering, but I dunno. It's like "Oh my god, it's THIS all over again." He's saying to me almost word for word what Myles used to, about being ready for commitment, something real...tired of being played, wanting someone to love. I wonder how many times I'll fall for that line. I mean when Myles first tried picking me up with all that, it totally worked. I was head over heels before I even knew it. What if I were here then? Would it have worked? Dennis is a nice guy...and I mean he's really trying. But how do I even know he's really in it for the right reasons. But I guess when it comes down to it, my future isn't set. It's still way too early to be counting on anything from anyone.

I also got a text last night from a friend I've known for a long time. There's always been history between us. I remember in first grade, I told myself that one day, he'd be my boyfriend. *sigh* Oh how those days were so uncomplicated. Anyway, so I'd like to say maybe a year or so ago, we kind of had this agreement that if either of us ever needed it, we could come to each other for a hook-up. So anyway, he texted me last night at like 2 in the morning about it... Not gonna lie...the boy's gorgeous. But when I think about it, would I ever actually do it? I dunno... It's nice knowing people find me attractive in that sense, but it's almost as if I'm still not good enough to be called "the girlfriend" or to be that person that someone else needs... I dunno... I won't dwell. It makes things a lot worse than they seem when I'm not thinking about it.

I feel like God did this to me to show me that not all situations are as they seem. I now know how my mom can do what she does to Albert and Jose. It's not like she's hurting either one of them, essentially; neither of them really know much about the other. I guess I'd been saying for so long that my mom leads a double-life in such a condescending manner that now, the Universe decided to let me have a taste of it. I hate it. What I don't tell one, I feel like I'm lying... But it's not like I'm making up any of the things I'm feeling. I guess I'm just feeling really used right now. I mean, how could I not? I don't really know how else to put it without giving it all away.

My doggie Roxie died today... Ever since I was in the 1st grade and my pet rabbit, Spike, died, I've never been much of an animal person. I guess getting so attatched to watch them die the way they do with such short lifespans is way too hard for me to handle. So I guess it's been since then that I haven't been close with my dogs, Roxie and Cookie. But today, it was just my dad, Dave and myself at home. At about noon, we decided to head out to the bookstore and lunch and when we came home, Dave and I walked into the kitchen and right there in the pool...... I just can't get the image of my dad running out to attempt to save the lifeless body of the dog that's been around longer than I have. And I know it doesn't sound very traumatic to you, or to anyone else who's lost someone or something close to them, but now it's almost as if death is inevitable...as if its grip is just holding my family tighter, paralyzing us with fear that he may be next...and my god, I'm so scared for that day... I'm so scared for the day that he won't be there anymore because I'd never gotten to say I love you and mean it. Because the last time he made my favorite dinner, I wasn't there to eat it with the family. Because when he was in the hospital, I didn't get to visit once because I was late. I'm so scared that I'll never get the chance to prove how much he means to me, and that by the time I pluck up the courage to say so, it'll be too late.

I live in a world of regret these days. I just need to come clean with everyone. But will that really make everything better? I feel like if I'm honest with how I feel and what's really happened, I'll lose everything because of my dishonesty now. And I'm stuck in a world of guilt by not being able to move when the signs are all around me telling me to do so. But I'm so afraid that no one will love me when I tell them what I've done. I'm so afraid that no matter how many times he's told me he loves me and that he'll always be there for me, he'll be so angry with me, he'll try to spite me, which will hurt all that much more. I'm so scared that if I tell the other what really happened last night, he'll be more hurt than he already was. I'm such a selfish person. I've fooled the world into thinking I'm someone that cares, but really I'm only in it till it doesn't do me any good. I'm not the pesn they want me to be. What hurts me the most is that I know I'll be the biggest disappointment to him if he knew it. I'm not as sure or strong as I seem, this much I know. But maybe I should trust that no matter what happens, he'll always be there for me. Maybe it's time I give a little...

Yesterday was the last day of band camp and our first performance for the parents and friends and all that... Monday night was the first bit of contact I'd gotten from him in a couple days. It was nice to hear him again and be able to talk to him. I don't really know what to say, to be totally honest. All week, I'd been asking him if he wanted to come to the Preview yesterday and he'd just say he's think about it. So yesterday, all I could think about was whether or not he'd come. I admit, I kind of figured he would, but there was still that piece of me that didn't think he would be able to. Right before we started, I kept looking around, searching the crowd for his face, a shirt of his I'd seen him wear before, something...but nothing. I'd already seen his mom and dad, my mom, and his sister, but I couldn't find the one person I'd wanted to see most. When it was over, we got in a huddle on the 50 around Rivero and I looked over to the right side of the field and there he was... Thrill washed over me and when Rivero told us to head to the band hallway for dismissal, I headed straight for where I figured he would have been. It was the first time I'd seen him in over a week and my god, it felt good to hug him again...to talk to him face-to-face. I knew I missed him, but I don't think I could have summed it up quite enough. We went out to dinner and talked, and it felt just like how it used to be.

To be totally honest, I feel like we do a lot of the same things we used to, between falling asleep together on the phone and texting all day, spending time with each other last we did last night, and all that jazz...I just don't understand why we are the way we are. I guess there's not avoiding it anymore...he just doesn't think we're meant to be. There's no way of going around it, no matter how many times I try to convince myself that someday he'll see we're perfect. Maybe that's all this is about...we're not meant to be. The end. But that's never the end of the story. I've thought about this a lot...but if we're still this close in the future, how will either of us have time for any other relationship? I wouldn't want to fall asleep to the sound of another snore and I wouldn't want to text only one person every day that isn't him. But if we're not meant to be, this could be a potentially harmful situation. I guess things will smoothe themselves over on their own...no use in trying to force it for now.

It's hard not talking to him. I almost went a whole day and night without a single word, but I can't say I was hoping to really do it. I won't lie, the second I realized I had an excuse to text him, my phone was in my hand within seconds. Now, it just sucks because there are no more excuses.

So today I got off work to go to my mom's. It's been a really long time since I've spent the night at her place and I really miss her. In times such as these where it feels like I've got no one, my mom has always been the safe haven I run toward. She always knows what to say to make me feel like I can do anything. Ever since last November when everything in my world was flipped upside-down, she showed me that there was more to life than waiting around for a boy to wise up. I guess I just needed that guidance in my life. She was never really a prevalent personality in my upbringing, nor my dad, but when she was the only one I could talk to, everything she instilled in me has helped me to this day. So in essence, I'm going to my mom's today to seek a little guidance...or maybe just to be in her presence.

Even now, thinking about my mom makes everything hurt less. I think these past couple of days have just been made worse each time I'd touch the open wound. I mean, you'd think that if I was so hurt by not being with Myles, I wouldn't start thinking about everything I'd miss about him, but I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic, thinking that if I miss him enough, he might break down just enough to wise up and say he's sorry. But it's much more complicated than that, and I won't even think twice on that. Anyway, I feel like the dawn is starting to break a little. I was talking a couple entries ago, I think, about the pain crossing the threshold between purely emotional and manifesting into real physical pain? Now the physical pain is starting to wear away, and although I do feel that pang in my heart every few hours, that emptiness in my chest, it's not a constant lack of fulfillment. I starting to breath easier and I'm almost there. I can feel it. I've never really had much more faith in my recovery than at this point now and I know the road will only get smoother for me. I just can't linger long on things I know will hurt. And as much as I want to know how he's doing and everything he's been thinking, I know that would be a step in the opposite direction. I mean, I was forced into this...I may as well perform it to the best of my abilities, and if that means ignoring certain thoughts, blocking certain memories, I guess it's what I have to do. Besides, there are other ways for me to feel close to him without actually hurting me, but allowing me to feel hopeful. But again, I don't linger on those for too long, either.

Either way, I'm starting to worry less and smile more; I'm starting to cry less and laugh more. I'm almost there, almost free. I just hope he's alright. I'm fairing fine, but I worry he isn't.